Hope and Inspiration after much darkness PLEASE READ :3
Heyyy there,
I'm totally new to this, I just discovered it today :3. I want to inspire and offer hope, so I'm going to tell you about some recent success that I've had. I also want to tell you about what I've been through. So, here's my story to offer you hope, I hope! :3. Please note that how I coped with my phobia during school is not the right path.
When I was little, I wasn't at all afraid of being ill. My mum laughs when she tells me the story of a time when I was ill -on my birthday- at the age of three. I'd caught a bug, but after each time I was ill, I would demand birthday cake! It was the same for the rest of the times that I was ill when I was little. I'd be ill- then just go straight back to what I was doing. I didn't enjoy it- but it didn't really phase me.
Then, when I was in year 5 in maths class, I began to feel a bit hot (don't worry, this doesn't end in me being ill). I asked my friend if I felt hot, and she felt my forehead and told me that I was pretty hot. Although there was only five minutes left until lunch, I demanded my teacher to let me go down to the school office. She smiled and let me go, even though she thought it strange that I couldn't wait just a few minutes. But she was okay with it :3.
I was becoming a bit panicky as I sat in the nurse's room. There wasn't really anyone to look after me as the nurse wasn't there. I asked the office ladies (the office was right next to the nurse's room) to call my mum and ask her to pick me up. She did so, but my mum didn't pick her mobile up. She probably didn't hear the ringtone because she was in a busy supermarket. I asked the office lady to ring my mum again, but she completely refused. She just said that my mum would just listen to the voicemail when she saw the missed call. When she saw it. When would that be?? Five minutes? Two hours?
At that point, I was getting hotter and feeling a bit more panicky. I was young, scared and alone. I felt out of control. I tried to sit with my friends outside during lunch, but one of them ushered the whole group away, just saying "Maybe we should, ummm...." with a beckoning motion of her hands, leading away all of my friends. They went to play somewhere else. I was left alone again. I wandered around aimlessly, feeling completely trapped. I felt terrible. After what seemed like hours, lunch ended. I begged and begged the office lady to phone my mum, but she just wouldn't. To my horror, she sent me back to class. And then my teacher made me read to her during reading time. I felt like no one cared, and I'd never felt more alone in my entire life. Suddenly, the office lady came into the classroom and told me my mum was on her way. She had to decided to phone her after I'd left to go back to the classroom. I waited outside the office, and my mum arrived. I didn't feel relieved. I didn't feel anything at all, I was numb and in shock. I was just a kid, who had been completely ignored.
That's where my emetophobia begin. I didn't actually vomit, but it was the feelings of not being in control and trapped that stayed with me, and transformed into the phobia.
I went back to school a few days later. It was the first time I ever felt scared at school. I use to ask my mum every morning for the next three years what she was doing that day so I would know if she was likely to hear her mobile or not. Over the next year, I developed strange habits. I use to believe that if I asked my toys to protect me, I would be fine. And it made me feel fine. It would give me strength. Asking my toys for help evolved into me just believeing in myself as I entered high school. Throughout high school, I was very strong. Although the fear was there, I could fight it. But that's the thing. I was fighting it. And hiding it from everyone. That isn't right, because that meant I was just running away from it. In my mind, I had set myself a goal to not vomit for the entirety of my school life. And, for whatever reason, I didn't. I finshed year 11, and got my GCSE's. I had managed to freeze my phobia's state during my school years. It didn't get any better, and it didn't get any worse.
Now, it was time for college. My 'goal' had been completed. And when I realised that, it scared me. A lot. I had managed to get through high school without vomiting. But now I felt like a time bomb. I felt like I would vomit anytime soon because it would be unfair if I went that many years without doing so, as other people do have to. I knew that my toys weren't protecting me, I knew that I wasn't elite and immune to everything. It was torture. My phobia had unfrozen and become worse.
During the first year of college, my boyfriend became ill with a bug. Seeing that happen to him was torture. There was nothing I could do to help. And then there was the fear that I might have caught it too. I wanted to kill myself there and then, I never wanted to go through what he just went through. However, although I was now in a terrible state, I managed to pick myself up by blocking it out.
The summer holidays came. They were three months long, and that was when the worst part of my phobia cropped up.
----At this point, I just want to say I'm sorry my story is so long, I didn't realise how long it would be! But, just one more bit of bad news, and then we'll get to the good stuff where I start getting a LOT better :3-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
During those summer holidays, I became agoraphobic because I didn't need to go anywhere, so I didn't. I became withdrawn. My phobia began to torture me. I still felt like a time bomb, and I felt myself ticking away. I just wanted to die. All I could think about of every second of every day was killing myself, it was insanity. I'd never known such dark feelings. All I wanted to do was sleep, I didn't want to face reality. I couldn't see the light in ANYTHING.
So, I tried it. I smashed my favourite pair of earrings made out of seashell and tried to cut myself with them. They were too blunt. I felt awful during the weeks after, such a mix of emotions.
Eventually, it was time to go back to college. I'd never known panic like it on that first day back. In the weeks to come, I skipped several lessons and days. I often ran away during break or lunch. A couple of times, I told the teacher I was going to the library for the rest of lesson, but instead I ran home!
My mum had seen me come home about five times. She was angry with me, she didn't know it was because of my phobia. She said that this was getting ridiculous, and that I should get a job because I obviously hated college.
In the end, I completely broke down. I scribbled down the truth on a piece of paper and gave it to my mum. I ran back upstairs, and she followed a few minutes later and gave me a hug. We had a long chat, which made me feel so much better. I had finally let everything out. I could almost feel my phobia being afraid of me, like I'd grassed it up! It wasn't cornering me anymore. My mum phoned up my teachers to let them know what had happened. They were very understanding and gave all sorts of suggestions on what they could do to help me. I was very greatful, but sadly I never made it back to college as it was too much. However, mum made a few more calls and arranged an appointment with the doctor. I would be seeing a therapist soon. It was October, and we had planned to take a six hour train journey in December to see my older brother at university. In the months between, I began to feel better. I saw a counsellor who suggested that I take walks everyday. I felt awesome after every walk! Going into town to see the counsellor was very, very difficult as it was much further than my comfort zone, but I did it. After every visit, I felt invincible. When I got home after seeing her, I would think 'If I vomit now... then it wouldn't be so bad because I've had an empowering day, and nothing can take that success back'.
I managed to make it to my brother's. It was hard. It was very, very difficult, but I did it. If I can do that just a couple of months after my worst time, then I and YOUUUU can do ANYTHING. I should mention, I did that train journey in December 2010, when the snow in England was immense. There was so much of it, which delayed the trains and such. But I did it!
In April of this year, I began CBT. The therapist was lovely, and she taught me that I must take each step as slowly as I felt I needed to. She explained to me that I was at point A in this part of recovery. She said that point Z would be completely overcoming the fear. She also explained that there are mini steps in between each letter. Right now, I'd say I'm at F. I extended my walks, and I'm planning on going into town again to see the christmas markets.
I have very good days, and very bad days. Bad days are not defeat. Just accept them, and let them move past. Keep up treatment- in my case, I need to keep up with my walks. I do have weeks where I don't go for a walk one day, and then end up staying in all week. But I pick myself back up, remind myself how important the walks are and how good they feel, and go out again.
Just lately, I've learnt to live in the present. I don't need to think about the past. It can't hurt me. And the future doesn't matter- it's not here yet! Today is all that matters. If I feel good, I really, really take it in. I focus on what I love and what makes me feel happy. Don't let scary thoughts rule you. I often have scary thoughts appear in my head, but I realised that thoughts are often scarier than reality. If I was to be ill right now, it would be because my body wants to rid of something in order to get my body back to health. Scary thoughts are designed to scare you, make you panicy, make you withdrawn and to feed your phobia. Reality doesn't do that. Reality is what you make it. And so are your thoughts. YOU and only you have the power to banish such thoughts. Change something in your life for the better.... paint a room, plant some flowers, eat a bit healthier...no matter how small, change something. Change the way you feel about things. Look on the bright side. Bees can sting, but they're also fluffy and soft, and we wouldn't be alive without them. This is how I cope. Turn pain into paradise, that's how I believe I will overcome this phobia.
After everything you and I have been through, no matter what level of the phobia we have, we can all overcome it. We've had the strength and the courage to live with it, so we have the strength and the courage to get rid of it. Live for the moment, treasure your life, and do your very best.
You CAN do it.
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