It can be beaten!!!

[Jlsgrl4vp]

I was diagnosed with allergies to wheat, eggs and chocolate when I was 18 and I had spent about 12 months in a constant state of nausea at this point because these foods were a part of my daily diet.
I cut them out and I did feel better but I was so used to feeling sick and wondering every day if I was going to be sick that I couldn’t seem to get out of that frame of mind.
The emetophobia was gradual for me, I don’t know why it happened or when exactly it happened but it started to take over my life.
I stopped drinking alcohol, I washed my hands until they were raw, I chewed gum constantly, I stopped going out to eat and I began cutting out foods.
I started with the ‘risky’ foods like chicken, pork, and turkey, then I moved on to the foods that can cause indigestion like garlic, onion, spices etc… in the end I would only eat cornflakes, plain crisps and bananas. I lost a lot of weight and I looked ill, people would comment on how I didn’t look well and that would cause me to panic, because if someone said that I didn’t look well, I would immediately feel that I wasn’t well.
I couldn’t sleep, I made my partner sit up and talk to me through my panic attacks many a night! I wouldn’t go out, going to any public place would cause me to panic and it was easier to just say no than put myself through that.
One day, I felt so low and pathetic that I typed in ‘fear of being sick’ on google and I came across a few sites dedicated to emetophobia, I finally had a name for what I was going through! I read peoples stories and although it was nice that I wasn’t alone, I felt even more desperate to read that 50 and 60 year olds were still suffering, some people had become agoraphobic and I could see that I was heading in the same way, it would be so easy, if I didn’t have a mortgage to pay then I would probably have given up work and stayed at home a long time ago. I decided that enough was enough and I made an appointment to visit the doctor, the doctors surgery is every emets hell on earth but I made it to the appointment and I broke down in front of the doctor and told him everything.
At the end of my speech I looked at him in hope that he would be able to give me some magic cure and he said to me ‘so do you make yourself sick then?’!!
I actually laughed in his face, I explained that I would never in a zillion years make myself sick and I attempted again to tell him what was wrong.
He was very puzzled by it but he could see that I was in a state so he referred me for CBT. It took 4 months for my initial appointment to come through and then a further 8 weeks to actually begin therapy. My therapist had never dealt with emetophobia before and it showed.
I know that some people have had fantastic experiences of CBT but it was horrendous for me and I think that was down to his lack of experience in dealing with it.
My first homework assignment was to visit a website which showed pictures of people being sick. It took four days for me to pluck up the courage to sit down and type in the address and then 3 hours before I could actually bring myself to enter the site. It was disgusting but I managed it and all the non-emets who knew about my condition said that they would have trouble doing it to as it was not pleasant!
I turned up for therapy the week after and my second homework assignment broke me. He handed me an audio tape and explained that it was of someone being sick and I had to listen to it before next week.
I really tried, I cried for hours before I managed to press play and it started off with someone saying that he wasn’t feeling very well, I couldn’t listen to anymore.
When I explained to the therapist that I just couldn’t do it he basically said that if I couldn’t complete the assignments then there was no point in continuing and that was that!
I left therapy feeling like a pathetic failure that was going to be like this forever!
It was awful.
A few months later, I moved house and I changed jobs, I was determined that I would not let myself get worse and that I was going to try and beat it in my own way.
All the changes in my life gave me something other than emetophobia to focus on and I gradually started to re-introduce other food into my diet. I cut down on chewing gum and stopped wearing my anti-sickness wrist bands.
What I believe has really helped me is hand sanitizer, I love it! I never go anywhere without it and I don’t feel like a paranoid weirdo using it as so many ‘normal’ people use it every day too.
I didn’t really notice that I was getting better until a colleague told me that her daughter had been sick the night before. Normally, I would be in a total state at this news, she would be subjected to a million questions so I could try and ascertain if it was contagious. If I believed it was then I would barely eat for a week to give the symptoms time to show themselves and I would be in a constant state of panic, unable to sleep. On top of this I would be furious with the person who had dared to bring illness into my life!! However, this day was different, I murmured sympathetically that I hoped she was feeling better, used my hand sanitizer, and carried on working. I waited for the feelings of panic and they didn’t come, in fact, I forgot about it until I got home. I debated whether to have a proper meal as I was worried about a panic attack at bedtime but I decided that I was hungry so I ate a proper meal. I fell straight to sleep that night!
It was a breakthrough for me and I have just been getting better and better since that day.
I haven’t had a panic attack in over 12 months and I very rarely even think about being sick. I go out to eat most weekends and have even started drinking alcohol again. I actually managed to go on a hen do and spent the weekend away a few months ago. I have put on weight, probably a bit too much actually ;-) and I have my life back.
I feel really proud of myself for beating emetophobia, it ruled my life for 8 years and I just wanted to share my story (sorry that it was so long) with everyone else out there because there is hope! If I can do it then anyone can!!! Good luck! xx

[leeannc28]

Congratulations on your freedom!