OT: Judgement free zone. Need support.

[DeadxxInside92]

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[cinque]

No, you don't sound like the scum of the earth. In fact I am struggling to see anything that you did wrong at all. It sounds like you did your best for your grandma. Being a carer for her is a LOT to take on at 19 years of age. It sounds like you did a good job of looking after her. It's understandable that you wanted to get out of the house sometimes. It's also not the end of the world that you missed work, or that you lied. Lying had no connection with her dying at all. It was not the cause of it. Sounds like she was inevitably going to pass away. How could lying cause someone to die - there's no causal link there at all. I think guilt is sometimes a part of grief but if you're still feeling this guilty seven months later perhaps you should have some counselling or something. xxx

[DeadxxInside92]

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[twinmom73]

I agree with cinque. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't let your grandma down. If lying to your boss about reasons for missing work caused people to die, there would be no one left in my family! Sounds like you took good care of her and did what you could. You are grieving and that is absolutely normal. When we lose someone in our life, we often look back and wonder if we could have prevented it somehow. But, we couldn't have. Instead of remembering your grandma with anxiety and guilt, try remembering the good times and your love. It sounds like she had failing health and you did what you could to help her. You are 19 years old, of course you needed to get out of the house sometimes. Everyone would feel that way!!! I am sure your grandma loves you and wants you to be happy, so live life, be happy, and that is they best thing you can do for her!

[DeadxxInside92]

Thank you, twinmom73. I know she would want me to be happy. My dad said she was always worried about me because I struggled with depression and just had many trying times in life where I was so unsure of who I was. I just hope that she's happy now and at peace. The night before she was found unresponsive, my cousin, Jess told me she said that my grandPA was coming to take her to Heaven. They are buried next to each other and I pray that they are happy together again. She was definitely my role model and she still is. No one thought she would make it once my papa passed away but she proved everyone wrong time and time again. She was definitely one of the strongest women I've ever known and I hope she can forgive me if I've wronged her. Thank you for replying, it means so much <3

[sdfl]

If you believe in a soul dear, then you must believe she can somehow reach you and have access to your heart and feelings. She must know how much you love her. You know what else? Her suffering is gone. She is not seeing spirits, she doesn't have dementia, she doesn't need a care taker. She left her old body behind, like a snake sheds old skin. It is a refreshing time of renewal. I understand your feelings and your thoughts but it won't change the outcome, we have to look at what is and not what isn't or what wasn't. Was or wasn't cannot be changed now. It is a time of grief to lose someone you love and watch them pass in such a fashion but at least she had people around her and didn't pass in your home. Please take heart, and heed these words.

If you were worth placing some harsh judgement on, or scum or whatever you might be thinking... why would you even care for her or love her so much? Why would you experience grief or even guilt for not being able to be there? Would your grandmother be the type of person who would not be understanding?

If someone judged you for your fear would it bring her back? Simply no.

You are a person, you are definitely caring and have shown a warm heart and real human emotion that some people might lack.
Go easy on yourself now and let yourself grieve her passing and move forward because like twinmom said and you agreed, she would want you to be happy and I'm sure restful.

[4077girl]

Oh my gosh, if I could cause people to pass away by lying, everyone on the planet would be dead! I use "my grandpa died" as an excuse to miss things all the time and nothing bad ever happens. It just doesn't work that way (which I know you know!). BUT, I know EXACTLY how you feel:

I remember when I was little, 6 or 7, maybe, I used to have these kinds of thoughts a lot. One of the times, our neighbour across the street was pregnant. She came over, and she was telling me that they were going to have a baby in 4 more months (or something like that). I said "but what if the baby dies in your stomach?" It was not an appropriate thing to say, but I was just a kid, I didn't know any better, and I really just wanted to know what would happen. My mom got SO mad, and told me to go to my room and kept apologizing to the neighbour. Afterwards she told me I should never say things like that, becuase: "what if it did happen??" Well, it didn't. The baby is in high school now. But I guess she planted that thought in my head that saying something like that could cause something bad to happen. My mom got pregnant a few months after the baby was born, and I had such a horrible feeling that because of what I said, I'd be punished and my baby brother or sister would die. And my mom did have a miscarriage. I blamed myself for years. Of course as an adult, and even as a kid I could see it had nothing to do with me, logically, and it was just something stupid that kids blurt out. But ever since that happened I had such bad feelings of jinxing things and causing people's deaths or other bad things. I remember I used to do the craziest things like I would accidentally think about my neighbour dying, and then think I had to "cancel it out" somehow. It would be crazy things, like my mom would tell me to swat flies (we lived in an old farm house) and I'd tell myself for every house fly I killed, that would add another day to my neighbour's life (she was really old and sick)....so crazy. Then I wouldn't want to stop killing house flies becuause those were all extra days for her and I started feeling like if I stopped she'd die. And this was like, grade 7 or 8!!

Eventually I stopped thinking that way, somehow. I call into work saying I have a sv without worrying I'll catch it, and I think nasty things about people without thinking it's going to cause them to die. But I basically just had to keep doing those things, and not canceling them out, and seeing that a thought or behaviour can't cause something like that, no matter how bad it is.

[DeadxxInside92]

Thank you, Sav. That means more than you will ever know. I really need to hear that and I hope I can begin to let go of this guilt I've been carrying with me. I know she loved me and I just have to hold onto that. I remember her as the woman she was before she passed--vivacious, compassionate, funny and just a wonderful person inside and out.

[DeadxxInside92]

Oh my gosh, if you could cause people to pass away by lying, everyone on the planet would be dead! It just doesn't work that way, though I know EXACTLY how you feel. I remember when I was little, 7 or 8, maybe, I used to have these kinds of thoughts a lot. One of the times, our neighbour across the street was pregnant. She came over, and she was telling me that they were going to have a baby in 4 more months (or something like that). I said "but what if the baby dies in your stomach?" It was not an appropriate thing to say, but I was just a kid, I didn't know any better. My mom got SO mad, and she told me afterwards I should never say things like that, becuase: "what if it did happen??" Well, it didn't. The baby is in high school now. But my mom got pregnant a few months after the baby was born, and I had such a horrible feeling that because of what I said, I'd be punished and my baby brother or sister would die. And my mom did have a miscarriage. I blamed myself for years. But as an adult, I can see it had nothing to do with me, and it was just something stupid that kids blurt out. But ever since that happened I had such bad feelings of jinxing things and causing people's deaths. I remember I used to do the craziest things like I would accidentally think about my neighbour dying, and then think I had to "cancel it out" somehow. I twould be like for every fly I killed another day for her to live....so crazy. Then I wouldn't wan to stop killing house flies becuause those were all extra days for her. And this was like, grade 7 or 8!! Somehow, I just had to stop doing all of those things, and see that nothing changed, nobody died, nothing bad happened. But it took a long time!

This makes me feel better knowing that I'm not alone. I guess when you guys put it that way, it does make sense and I shouldn't blame myself for her death. I still do not know if I believe in superstitions or the supernatural but regardless of that, I like to think that my grandma is watching over me with my papa. Thank you for sharing your story, I find solace in it ,<3 Everyone here is so compassionate and understanding. You all are simply wonderful.

[Lori35inRI]

Kudos to you! It sounds like you did an amazing job taking care of her. Nowadays, probably not many people your age would take the time to devote to an ailing grandparent. Your story kind of made me choke up a little (though I am PMSing now and could cry at the drop of a hat ). I was very close to my grandpa who passed when I was 13 and he had various health issues which caused him to lose both of his legs. Afterward he ended up at the ER often for some complication or another and would always end up fine. Because I worried so much, I would always go. The 1 time I didn't (because I said in my head that he would be fine), he passed. For the longest time I felt like it was my fault, but I never told anyone.

[DeadxxInside92]

Kudos to you! It sounds like you did an amazing job taking care of her. Nowadays, probably not many people your age would take the time to devote to an ailing grandparent. Your story kind of made me choke up a little (though I am PMSing now and could cry at the drop of a hat ). I was very close to my grandpa who passed when I was 13 and he had various health issues which caused him to lose both of his legs. Afterward he ended up at the ER often for some complication or another and would always end up fine. Because I worried so much, I would always go. The 1 time I didn't (because I said in my head that he would be fine), he passed. For the longest time I felt like it was my fault, but I never told anyone.

Haha I am PMSing as well. I was bawling as I was typing that...

I'm sorry about your grandpa, even though his passing wasn't recent. I feel like accepting the death of a loved one never really gets easy no matter how long you've been without them. My grandma lived twelve years without my papa and she ended up in the hospital very often. She suffered asthma and because of my papa, who was a smoker, caused her lungs to be very very weak. Like you, every time she ended up in the hospital, my dad and his siblings and everyone else in my family all thought it would be the time to say goodbye. Yet, each time she proved everyone wrong. The time she was hospitalized before she passed, I thought she was going to make it because she did all the other times, yet this time she did not. I was thankful that she passed in the company of my father and his brother and me I guess. It was very strange...watching someone die. When she did pass, the moment I realized she was gone, the room felt...peaceful. I hope I can forgive myself. I know she would forgive me.

[DeadxxInside92]

Do you all think this is why I keep having these dreams? I almost feel like it's actually HER in the dreams like she's somehow communicating with me but I'm not sure if I believe in the afterlife. I want to say I do but I just don't know. This may be a useless bit of information, but after her death, my dad and his siblings put her house up for sale. We had to get rid of some things because she frequently had accidents so the mattresses and rocking chair were not salvageable. My dad did keep her bed frame and night stand table--both of which are in my room. Do you think having her belongings could maybe trigger these dreams or keep me connected to her in some way? Again, I can't say I believe it to be possible, but I also cannot deny it either.

[Lori35inRI]

[QUOTE=DeadxxInside92;393241]I'm sorry about your grandpa, even though his passing wasn't recent.[\QUOTE]

Thank you. That means a lot.

I still to this day have dreams about my grandpa. They are usually very vivid. The strange thing is that I feel a sense of peace when I have them. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's because I know he's at peace himself and, after all this time, he continues to watch over me. Last year was the first I did not visit his grave (and I still feel horrible about it). My grandma is still alive (she's 88 now) and I am just PETRIFIED of what a mess I am going to be when something happens to her. As a 13 year old, it's like you cry for a while and get it out of your system - now I am a 35 year old ball of nerves and panic.

[DeadxxInside92]

I understand. I was a lot younger than you were when my papa passed. I didn't really understand it though so I didn't grieve much. I know all too well the fear you are feeling but you need to push the bad thoughts out of your head and you will cross that bridge when you come to it. I wish your grandma years of health and happiness, you as well <3

[Lori35inRI]

Thank you very much. Same to you as well. It's nice to have met such a great group of people here (and even hook up on Facebook with a couple). Not only can we talk about our emet problems, but so much other crap as well. It's nice to be able to bitch about how I feel to someone other than my husband (who can sometimes be un-sympathetic). I'm still new so I haven't begun to bitch about things yet - someday. lol

[DeadxxInside92]

You're welcome and thank you It really is nice and I feel so fortunate. I've yet to have a problem with anyone on IES! You can add me on FB if you want and I'll PM you with my link to my profile! Haha it really is nice to be able to vent and rant and rant and vent, etc. Feel free to rant away--that's what we're all here for I really appreciate you taking the time to listen and respond to me.

[Lori35inRI]

Never a problem. I tend to be quiet and just read most of the posts, but if I can relate to someone, I like to put my 2 cents in. Definitely PM me your Facebook when you get a chance. Thank you for listening to me as well.

[lizzo]

You are not the scum of the earth.

Managers in the adult industry are notorious cold-hearted assholes. I know from experience as working as a receptionist at an escort agency. Don't let him bring you down. I've lied to bosses and managers before about why I had to miss work, people lie, it happens. But lying will not directly cause a person to die. I think your guilt combined with the stress of caring for your ill grandmother manifested itself as feeling you are the one to blame. You're not.

Don't beat yourself up, you did the best you could with what you knew, and you paid dearly for it emotionally. I'm curious as to why you were her caretaker? Dementia isn't easy for anyone, especially when you're young. Even full-time care aides have difficulty caring for dementia patients. I would have had panic attacks as well. Don't let the guilt and emotions ride on your shoulders for too long, I think when some of the grief passes over your Grandmothers death you'll feel better about it.

[DeadxxInside92]

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[heydani]

I really dont know what to say, except that you did nothing wrong. These dreams could still be going on for multiple reasons, but mainly because this happened recently ! Three years ago a friend of mine hung himself in his closet. The last couple of months before he died, we really lost contact. But the issue here, is that he really liked me, like a love kind of like. And I didnt feel that way about him. (The reason he hung himself was due to family issues) but still, I cant help but feel guilty about losing contact those last couple of months and not linking him back. This probably doesnt make that much sense, probably because I'm not used to talking about this, and it makes me really uneasy. But, I learned some techniques that help you get through it. One of them is to write a letter to the person, saying how you feel, or things you didnt get to say, and read it at their grave site. Or just write in general, I find that writing gets emotions out. Sorry if this is all scattered., this topic just throws me off.

[DeadxxInside92]

Thanks Danielle. I really like that idea of writing the letter and reading it at the gravesite. I am going to try that. I'm really sorry about your friend. Suicide is devastating, but you're right, it definitely wasn't your fault and it was out of you control. It's not scattered. I appreciate your kind words. Thank you

[heydani]

Glad I could help, And thank you (: