Breaking

[DeadxxInside92]

I just feel like crying right now but I don't even have the energy for that. I'm so distraught. I've been feeling so sick to my stomach for the past two weeks or so. The rational part of me narrows it down to hormones and PMS whereas the irrational part of me says I'm sick and dying (maybe not that extreme, although I feel horrendous). I'm just reaching my breaking point. I suffer from SAD and the weather has been so dreary and all I want to do is sleep...during the day yet not at night. I stay up all night and feel like shit all day and it's just a very hideous cycle. I started tanning again just to get myself some UV exposure as it helps bring my mood up. I haven't been to work since Monday and I told my boss I would go in tomorrow but that's not gonna happen. I feel so sick, depressed and defeated. I went out to eat with my boyfriend this afternoon to Chipotle. I had a burrito bowl which was delicious but it definitely did not agree with me. Later in the evening my dad wanted to take us all out to eat as a family which I normally love, but not when I feel like I'm going to vomit everywhere. I wasn't able to eat much at all and I've just been an anxious yet simultaneously subdued mess hoarding Nauzene tablets and sucking on mints all night long. It's 2:44am. I just hate this. I withdrew from school that I paid for because I cannot handle sitting in class. All my friends are graduating next year and I have barely made it to sophomore year. If I said I were ashamed, it would be an understatement. I have to be awake by 6am because I cannot summon the courage to tell my parents that I failed yet again so I carry on as though I am still in school doing what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing. I cannot handle them being disappointed in me and ashamed for being an incompetent piece of shit anymore. Then there's my job. I'm very fortunate my managers are understanding of my predicament but I need the money for rent, basic necessities, food, transportation, etc. I loathe my job and the sad truth is that it's the only job I can handle with my anxiety/panic disorder. However, I haven't even been making money because my motivation is just gone and I sit up in the dressing room and cry. Conversing with customers is seemingly impossible and I never know what to say or how to sell myself anymore. I feel that everything is crumbling around me. The only thing that's not falling apart is my relationship with my SO. It's only a matter of time til that happens, right? I can't fucking catch a break and it sucks. I've considered going back on my anti depressants but I hate that shit because it turns me into an emotional zombie and I become so indifferent towards every situation...ever. I don't have the patience to go through even more medications and endure the inevitable side effects. My parents gave up on me a long time ago and will not pay for more therapists. I don't blame them as I would like to give up on myself as well. It sucks living with the neurotic mess that is me. Someone please help me before I lose every ounce of sanity that remains