I understand that feeling.....when I was 17 my dad had a massive heart attack and for the first time in my lifetime he v*....his heart stopped and he very nearly died. I'd been angry with my dear dad for 6 years and for a time I thought I was going to lose him. My fear of me v* was always there but until that point I did not fear other v*.... I don't know when that started and I don't know for sure that has anything to do with it....but until that day I had never ever known my dad to be I'll at all.