It's not n*. I'm just really stressed out to the point of almost shaking all the time. I am making myself sick. I really just need to stop wigging out, but it's like a runaway train. I see my shrink on Monday. I think I need my meds adjusted. I've also bit off more than I can chew as far as activites are concerned and I don't see a way of cutting back. If I even think about the things that are stressing me out, I get d*. So I need to just quit. I've been a bit of a mess since I found out my cousin is choosing to have terminal cancer. Melanoma in the early stages is entirely curable. But she's not just going to have it removed. It's pretty good sized now. She's just going to juice and take e*s and die. We are close in age. We have kids the same age. She's my only cousin who really understands what it's like to be disabled at a young age. The last time I saw her, I took photos of her so I'd have pictures of her before she gets too sick. I'm always on the verge of crying. I just don't understand. I want her to live - not take some weird home remedy that causes v* and d* and die. I need some new meds which will help me break this thought pattern, so I'm not in constant panic mode. I cannot get out of this thought loop. This has happened to me before and it never goes well.

I just want to shake her and say "Stop it with the juicing and the fasting and e*s. You're already a skeleton. Just get it removed. Get the skin graft and live. You have a little girl. You have a husband and grandkids and lots of people who love you. Why don't you want to live as much as I want you to live?!" I've had skin cancer before. They just cut it out and you're done. It doesn't have to be like this. I talked to her brother. I said, can't you talk her out of this? Can't you talk sense into her? But he already tried. He tried to talk her into using sun screen or wearing a long sleeved shirt if she was outside in full sun. If she didn't listen to her own dad and her brother, she's not going to listen to me either.

What if she v* and dies right in front of me like my aunt did? What if I panic and I don't do anything? I took first aid and advanced first aid. I was a first aid and cpr instructor in the military (not as my main job) just so I could handle these things, but I don't know if I can. Maybe I should just visit her when her husband is there, because he's a paramedic. I feel like I should just call 911 before I visit her, so I'll be prepared.

Well, I am crying, but I don't have d* anymore. Talking about it does help, but my family is tired of hearing about it. My husband says, you know she's got her mind made up. You know she's not going to listen to you. You just have to let it go. Even my shrink says not to even try to talk to her into getting conventional treatment even though it would cure her (if it's not already too late which it might be according to my doctor), because she would just get mad and stop speaking to me. He says I need to let it go, too. But it's just so hard and I don't understand. Thanks for listening.