My goodness. I have so much admiration for your ability to face this fear head on like that. I do not have that courage. I have often wondered about the fact that exposure tov'g is not a complete cure for us emets (at least most of the time.) I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that the fear is rooted in what ever we associated with the act of v'g at the time the fear developed? In other words, until we can calm the "real" fears we have linked with v'g maybe just doing the act is not enough?? Aside from the physical grossness of it, I associate abandonment and loss of control with v'g. Control, for better or worse, is a huge issue with me. 8)