In search of advice..

[SethSHart]

Sorry, new here and haven't had a chance yet to search the site to find if there is relevant topics, but I wanted to get this off my chest while it was still fresh in my mind. Then search about before coming back to it. I've been dating a girl who is suffering from emetophobia..and well, it's been a process. I feel for all of you here, as I see daily what most of you have to go through...what fears surround your everyday life. I try to be as supportive as I can for her, comfort her when anxiety takes over, and flush out all negative thoughts I possibly can in her mind..which all seems to work decently so far. I feel I've made great progress with her, even have desensitized her to v* within most games, making the it still fun to experience playing them. She's truly a strong woman, she's stuck by my side even through my own sickness...even though it throws her world into a spiral and she ends up being the one needing too be tended to haha..but none the less...I love her.

My concerns..though are...closely related to our future. How will this impact my future, loving someone with this fear? Does it ever get better?...Or as I fear...will this eventually lead to agoraphobia as I've read elsewhere? I know she specifically can't be predicted but I'd like to hear from someone..something that maybe can make things seem more promising?...Someone to talk to about it I guess, she hides it from everyone..in fear they'll tease and torment her with their twisted humor in exploiting it. So I feel like I have no one to turn to. I know she tries her hardest to push through this fear...and I feel she does an amazing job at doing so...It's just when we got on the topic of someday having kids, I felt crushed inside. She doesn't want kids...and spent the last 11 hours going into the most intense arguments we've had, explaining why she doesn't want them...and at it's root, it's because of this fear.

She feels there's too much risk involved in v*ing from morning sickness, fear of the baby getting sick in infancy or toddler stages, or at any time period, from this...from that. She's covered it all, but I figure you'd know what I'm talking about..so I'll just sum this up with she's very against having kids...and that is something really important to me......What...do I do?....What else changes?...What all do I have to sacrifice...to love this wonderful woman?...

Please lend me an ear...

[Absmum2be]

Hello... I'm only 19 but had this fear since I can remember. It's lovely you stick by her like you do, she's a lucky girl. My OH often sstruggles with this to, but is the total opposite to me when it comes down to this fear he almost acts like I don't have it as he doesn't understand, which at times is frustrating, but at others great! I have got better and worse as the years he progressed. I know eat meat, although look for any pink with every mouth fall, I never thought I'd have a baby for the reason your girlfriend has said... I now have an 8 month old girl who just got over a sickness bug!! I HAD to cope there was no one else to help! With regards to prgancy and labour I wasn't sick once, although felt sick. I do not know about Turing the other phobic? Hasn't crossed my mind! (is that not going out the house?) well if it is I will never do that as I have my daughter now who needs me, but even so I would never let it control me to that point, of she's a strong women like you say then she won't either.

I have this fear bad to the point I had no pain relief in labour which was awful through fear of the medicine making me I'll. HOWEVER, I do not carry around anti-sickness medicine like a lot of people on here(not that it's a bad thing!) but I try to lead my life "normally". I'm sure in time she may want kids, how old are you guys? You probably have a long future together!

Thsts all the input I really have from personal experiences.

[Jess13]

Hi you sound like you really love your girlfriend. How old are you guys? Im 35 and my son just turned 3. When me and my husband wanted a baby my fear was at its lowest. I didnt even think about anyrhing but wanting a child. Morning sickness didnt bother me. ( my fear is rooted at something i can catch) so the morning sickness was me being sick with a virus... Does that make sence? Lol i didnt v with my pregnancy just n for a few weeks. Any way if you really love someone sometimes you have to make sacrifices. You need to figure out if you could still be with her even if you never have kids. She may change he mind she might not. Can you handle that? Is she in therapy? That might help. My son was the greatest gift in the world. He teaches me not to be scared. It would be a shame if she let this phobia make her miss out on a child.

[SethSHart]

Yes, this will come off silly to most but we're still very young, only 20. That's actually interesting to me though that your fears rooted into catching it...I never knew that it branched off into sub-methods like that. I haven't pin-pointed where her's arises from...it just seems every sight, sound, mental thought and action relating to one of her triggers prompts it. Bah, but either way thank you both so far..Seems that neither of you actually got sick during it, which is wonderful.

What I can say though, is she is rather good at taking medicines if assured they will help her without that side effect. She's a very logical thinker...even when it's carried into her panic. I honestly believe she can tackle through most of the attack itself if shes comforted and encouraged correctly, so with things like that I tend to not worry about it to much. Her biggest weakness it seems, with this...is the sensations that arouse from being nauseous, or things that make her feel that way. Some odd triggers like being hungry makes her feel this way. Really though..compared to how she was when we met, I can see progress..I can see a change in what she reacts to, and how she manages these reactions...she's come so far, and I'm so proud of her...not because I want this fear gone Because lord knows she pleads for this so often..I just want to help her learn to manage it..and not let it hold her back from experiencing life. This leads to our future...

I'm not bothered by making sacrifices for her, to any extent in most cases. There's something about the irony in our relationship that screams long-term. If I can't have kids with her...ultimately that won't make me walk my own way, or event put a dent in how I feel for her...I mean Lol.' Teens can be seriously messed up headaches..and financial strains, so realistically..it's not that bad...It's just...exactly that, I feel it would be a shame if she let this phobia ruin chances at something amazing in her life, I don't want her to miss out...I don't want her...ruled by this. She's stronger than that...and I just want her to see it.

- No, she's not in therapy. She was before...and they medicated her, claiming it would help...Not directed towards anyone, or doctors who recommend it. If it worked for you, then honestly...that's great. but it didn't seem to help her much. She just got better at hiding it, and spewing when no one was around to herself..which to me seems like even more of a danger. The therapy..I'm not to sure if it was effective or not, she claims it wasn't...that's it's not worth paying for someone just to listen to her..so as of right now, now she's not in it. But if it really helps...I'll try my hardest to get her to join one in the near future.

Once again, thanks to you all.

[MG-Mama]

Your gf is a lucky girl to have someone so supportive and understanding. I've been dealing with this phobia since I was about 9 years old. I can tell you that, at age 20, I was still having a lot of problems with anxiety and panic attacks, but I was determined to not let it take away the life I wanted for myself. It took some work to deal with this on a daily basis and lead a "normal" life. I had the opposite situation, though. My bf at the time, friends, family, etc didn't know about my phobia. It forced me to act more normal so they wouldn't find out. I worried that they'd make fun of me or think I was weird. To this day they don't know just how bad this is and how hard it is to deal with some days. All that being said, I hope your gf doesn't let this phobia rob her of everything she wants out of life. It sounds like she's on the right track and I'm sure that with continued support she'll gain more confidence over this and have a much easier time. BTW, I didn't have my first child until I was 33, but I'm so glad to be a mom. Panicking over sv season, yes, but wouldn't give up being a mom over it, lol. I'm also another one who didn't have any morning sickness, just a bit of nausea with my second child. I think us emets are so used to dealing with the feelings this phobia creates that we're a bit de-sensitized to the hormone shifts that cause morning sickness, lol.

[AoD]

First of, it's very very nice to see some guys can still be nice enough to deal with an emet's odd quirks and habits And alright, well, it's hard to predict really, it can go both ways. But (that's a wild guess here) I suspect that if this is her only issue and she doesn't suffer from extreme anxiety or depression or OCD, it's less likely she'll spiral down into full blown agarophobia. Personally, I have been an emet since I was a kid, and my worst phase was in my early teens. I'd still go out, but I'd obsess about checking if food was properly cooked and nuke everything in the microwave to make sure and always had anti emetics with me, couldn't watch movies with v* in them. So it never was "bad" really, but I didn't (and still don't really) want kids for various reasons including the illnesses. For me it got better as I got older (I'm 28 now). I lead a pretty much entirely normal life (going out, eating out, drinking with friends, etc). I'm just really careful about washing my hands when I get home or before eating, don't share glasses and food unless it's with someone whose hygiene I trust, and I panic when someone with a stomach virus gets sick within my vicinity (like, right next to me or in my home). I have been pregnant, and the morning sickness wasn't nearly as traumatizing as I thought (I did get an abortion though, so I don't have sick kids to deal with yet). I don't like to tell anyone about my phobia either, so my friends just get the excuse that "look I can't get sick because I'm so busy I can't afford to take a day off from school and studying". I think that with support, it's quite possible she'll do just fine. I know my greatest fear in having kids and getting into a serious relationship is being with someone who is careless about washing hands and who won't take care of kids if they do get sick. If I was with someone who is understanding and made the deal that he'd take care of the stomach bugs and I take care of other illnesses, I'd probably be willing to have kids. It just comes down to being totally, completely sure that the person actually would be able to take over and deal with it and be ok with me freaking out and refusing to touch the kid when sick. There's several moms here, too, who seem to be leading pretty normal lives. Of course, she'll probably always have some level of panic when exposed to vomiting or stomach bugs. But there's a huge chance that she'll be very functional, especially if she gets support from someone caring and understanding (like you, I guess ). That's what has helped me the most, at any rate, having someone tell me to be rational, logical, and calm down because it's all in my head and I'll be fine. And knowing that there are people who care enough to accommodate my requests about cleanliness to reduces chances of getting sick. I think if an emet is with people who are careless and treat them as crazy and expose them to constant stress (like, there's a few threads here about family or roommates who get sick often and don't take any basic precaution to prevent spreading their viruses) then that's when things go downhill.

[other side of the coin]

Hey SethSHart,

I was passed along your post by my other half thinking i could give you some advice. My other half has emit, has had for longer than i've known her and therefore as long as i've known her. And i think that i can give you a side of emet that only an understanding partner can.

In my experience all you can do is listen, be supportive and try to understand as much as you can. I know there are people out there whos partners find it hard and i know there are people whos partners are very understanding but the thing we all have in common is an overwhelming, deep set love for someone with emet.

You have to accept fully that emet, the anxiety surrounding it and your partner come as a package. From what i have read here you have and that is always a good start.

Loving your partner and supporting her as much as you can is all you can do. Love is more powerfull than the fear can be. There is so much to the power of possitive thinking. Keep a positive attitude and atmosphere and it will go a long way to helping your partner.

You will have to determine also when the anxiety comes out and at what point the irational takes over the rational. I say this as the arguments you have been having may very well be with her subconcious anxiety. The resignation that kids can bring the circumstance for emet to rear its head can fource the anxiety to take over.

Do some research on your own into pregnancey and child birth and how it can effect emets, get emets to give you first hand accounts and gently give these to your other half. Even research together helping her openup to the idea.

My partner and i are planning on having kids, regardless of emet. It will be a challenge but together we shall push through it.

As for agoraphobia, don't resign yourself to this. By keeping positive yourself and picking up on any ign that it may be creeping in discuss it, and try and takle anything before it can take hold. It can also be beaten, my partner suffered slight agoraphobia at the hight of her emet and has no problem at all going out now.

Takcle the world together, no matter how small or large, two people can take on anything better than one person can, become a team, a unit becomwe one. Love each other and the future will follow with what is meant to be.