I Wish....

[emetojackie]

Why do I still want to die so much after so many years...


I can't remember life without wanting to die, without having my phobia or some form of depression. I'm finding it harder to deal with the older I get. I can't keep going through my extreme mood changes, for a few hours I'll feel fine, and I'll sit and wonder to myself how I could ever feel such thoughts of suicide, and later on i'll be sat there, and the only thing I'll want to do is die - i'll be on such an ultimate low - it's unbelivable.


It's not like I don't have friends andit's not like I don't have a family that love me dearly. I just feel so un-motivated, things don't excite me as much as they used to, little things will depress me to the extreme which shouldn't. I feel so tired all the time, but yet I cant sleep.


I hate hurt and I wish it were an emotion that never existed. I just want to be a happy person, I wish I had never been gifted with such a horrible thing, however this phobia evolved I hate it for destroying my life. Its put such a stunt on me and I don't think it will ever go away. I sit and wonder to myself how my life would have been without it, probably amazing..


I'm 18 soon.. I can remember wanting to kill myself at about 5 years old. Thats about 14 years of depression, and I can't take it anymore. I've known about my phobia properly for about 9 years, and I'm 99.9% sure I had it before, but wasn't that aware of it. I don't feel any different in my state of mind, infact sometimes I think I feel worse.


I'm not sure if the prozac and therapy ever did work to its full effectivness. Don't get me wrong I did feel a hell of a lot happier but in someways it helped me learn to put on a happy face, and I think if you'd ask any of my friends they'd have no clue about how I'm feeling right now.


I wish, I really wish, I could die, right here, this minute. Nothing could make me more happier.I'd be selfish if I killed myself. I wouldn't have to deal with any of my mess anymore, which is just getting too much for me. I can't take much longer of feeling like this. I can't see how thats selfish, but there you go. I just want people to be happy, including myself, but I can't seem to accomplish that. I can't accomplish anything these days.


I just wan't to die and be happy. I just wan't to get rid of my phobia. I wan't to experience constant highs, not extreme highs and lows every damn day of the week. I know theres other people out there who feel the same, and my god I wish they didn't because it's such a horrible feeling which even the most evil person on this hell of an earth doesn't deserve to feel. I wish something could be done to reverse back time to make sure I was never born. I wish.. I wish...

[jazz]

Jackie,
There's no reason at all why you should be having to feel like this unecessarily. You need to get back out there, no matter how hard it is. Chat to your family, make sure there's never a dull moment with you and your friends.. you have to keep your spirits up even if the small things don't motivate you in the same sense..you still need to have something thats keeping you going otherwise you'll be trapped in unhappiness.



This phobia can be so debilitating sometimes, and it's why we *can't* let it grip hold of our emotions in the way it's doing to you..
imagine yourself without this damned phobia, can you picture that?Because that is something to strive for.



It may all seem hopeless now, but in a couple of months time, when you manage to go out for an entire evening without panicking, or when you manage to eat a big meal without worrying about the after effects, you will feel fantastic, and that is something that you must bear in mind.



Let me tell you, you have far too much to loose if you were to leave it all right now. There's lots and lots for youto live for out there, it's a matter of finding it all.
Jazz x x x

[emetojackie]

Thank you for that Jazz, that meant a lot to me.


Beleive me, I don't plan to die anytime soon, but sometimes it just builds up - you know? I think everyone here knows what that feeling is like. Its just fustrating when you have everything to make anybody happy - but yet you can't seem to feel that happiness. I think I may go back to therapy again, oh I don't know...


Sorry for posting such an essay, but it just seemed like the best thing to do at the time. Sharing my emotions maybe? I've had years of no-one understanding this phobia then suddently a whole forum of everyone knowing how I feel? whoa..


One day there will be an easy cure for any phobia out there, something that only takes a matter of hours, minutes, and I'm waiting for that day to come. *sigh*


Peace & Love 2 u XX

[terified girl]

I just want to say that you are right, you are not alone in how you feel about emet and how it affects our everyday living and so on.


There is nothing any of us can really say to make you change your mind or pull you out of this depression, but just know you are not alone, and we do not wish for emet to win and take you away from us, we want you to stay and fight this thing and someday win.


You are only 18 years old. Just think of the ones who have been suffering for 30 years, its not easy, but damnit, we won't be beat by this ugly thing.


When I get into moods like you do, I cry all day, and do nothing except lie down in bed and be angry and sad and frustrated, and then I think about suicide, and then I think that I will go to sleep and see how I feel tomorrow, and with everytime I feel that way, I deal with it the exact same way.


But if you do want to try and fight this thing, you gotta push yourself to do things you don't want to fo or can't do because of emet, you'll see, it'll get easier and you'll start to feel braver and prouder of pushing yourself. I know you can do it.


If you need to talk some more, please, talk away here, and we'll listen, and we'll talk back, and we'll do whatever we can to help you. JUST DON'T GIVE UP!


Hugs, Sonia

[emetojackie]

Thanks to you Sonia for your kind words, they all mean alot..



As I said before, I don't want to die, but sometimes things build up. I KNOWeveryone here knows what that feeling is like. Its just fustrating when you know you shold be happy but your not.


Again, Sorry for posting such an essay! I've had years of no-one understanding this phobia then suddently a whole forum of everyone knowing how I feel? Its rather overwhelming, but I'm somewhat releaved.


I will NEVER, EVER give up - but sometimes thats all I want to do. Its so much effort to keep up with, so emotional, so stressful - no human deserves that. But we will together fight this.. I hope..


But right now, I just wish I could have a break from emetophobia - just one night out.. or something..


Peace&Love again XX