aww Bless you! I used to be really bad, I was bad for months and stopped eating and felt ill all day. If I ate i felt ill, if i didnt I felt ill. I started dreaming i was being sick and would retch in my sleep so hard it would wake me, then the immense fear of what had happened would hit me. And I worried that what if one night I would be sick in my sleep, and I stopped sleeping. I would curl up with a pillow in the kitchen floor (anywhere to be away from my bed where normal sleep took place, and this thing kept happening) then at about 4am I would finally drop off for a tiny bit and the bad dreams didnt seem to come. But as im sure you can imagine, this made an absolute mess of me. I lost 2 1/2 stones really rapidly, my appetite was zero and I had to practically force feed myself just a little toast every day to try and eat something. I couldnt even drink tea or coffee, just luke warm water as even cold water was too harsh on poor tummie. It was harrowing, and at the time I didnt know it was all stress related from the phobia (it started not long after I had a bug one february, over 10 year ago now, I think I was 19, am now nearly 31). I was at the docs a couple of times a week asking what was wrong with me. I had an endoscopy that showed nothing and despite telling them on numerous occasions I had a crippling phobia no one ever suggested treatment until I found out about it myself and requested it. The health service in the UK is crazy, there are so many times Ive heard stories of people having to diagnose themselves and go to the doctors and say "I found that this treatment is available, can I have it?" then they go "of course". you could go to them with one leg for years and say, I keep falling over as I only have one leg. And theyd go "hmm hmm I see" then after years youd find that you could get a prosthetic leg, and ask them for it and theyd give it you finally! Rarrr!!

It took me years to get better from my bad spell. It was incredibly slow and gradual. Eventually I realised what was causing it and started to see the patterns of how Id feel when anxious moments came. And once the penny finally dropped that it was in my head, I started battling the symptoms head on. I started telling myself "its your nerves again! Youre not ill! how many times has this happened and youve been fine, youre just faking!!" and this really stopped the cycle. It didnt cure the phobia but it got me in control and my life back.

When I was really bad I used to do some funny things. Like I say, I slept on the kitchen floor as I convinced myself that it was my bed that was giving me bad dreams and if I slept somewhere else id be ok, and my dumb brain took notice of this and it worked. I eventually moved back into my bedroom but slept on the floor at the end of the bed. I had my special jumper I put on when I felt nervy-ill and told myself it made me better, and it started to. I drank peppermint tea and told myself it made me better. I had some relaxation methods too to break the cycle of falling into feeling anxious-ill and my mum played lots of endless scrabble with me as that was something I found that would literally stop me feeling ill - I guess it made me concentrate enough to prevent subconscious brain creating ill feelings. All this stuff eventually made me realise it was controllable and was in my head. I started working at a company I used to work for to cover a lady's maternity leave, and it was incredibly hard at first. I still wasnt in a proper sleeping pattern and would almost fall asleep at my desk in the first couple of weeks due to how tired I was from the bad sleep, and now working into the bargain! But the work pattern gave me some regularity back to my life, and the hours made me physically tired so I gained a proper sleep pattern back, and although the first few weeks were really tough, working again actually speeded on my getting better. And its got better and better since then to the point I dont wake up any more and the first thing I think is "Do I feel sick? Am I ill?" and it used to be. Im by no means cured of the phobia, but largely Im cured from the symptoms the anxiety from it all creates, and then things get totally out of context and out of hand. I would only have a panic if subjected to V* but I dont worry im going to V* unless I got a bug. I'm in control of everything non-bug related and remind myself of that all the time, so I never worry i would get sick from nerves. Ive proved to myself that the ill feelings stem from brain not tummy. I get nervous doing presentations as Im in a sales job where basically your presentation theoretically should lead to a sale, and that puts pressure on me as I want to do well and be successful. I used to be a bag of nerves and by no means am perfect at it now, but like I said before Ive improved drastically and tell myself this will continue and I havent "topped out" yet, but will keep getting better the more I do. And i try and enjoy it. Most of the customers I speak to are fun and interesting and I know most of them like me, and the ones that arent interested in buddying up are only concentrating on the product rather than making a friend into the bargain, so its not personal! And I really do take the time to slow down, and listen to them properly, rather than hurrying to the end point, as the rushing really does snowball the anxiety feelings.

Im glad youve responded in such a positive way. I really believe you can do it. There are people on this site that seem to be in a really dark place, like how I described I was once, and i really feel for them and understand. But realising that this is something we have actually conditioned our own brains to think and we can put it into perspective and at least start dealing with the other symptoms that the stress of it manifests we can really start to turn things around, like I did. I just wish I had some help in those days as even I didnt know myself what was happening and the doctors were useless. My family didnt understand at the time, and I really was alone and had to do it the hard way. It sounds like youre in a good position to start working on letting things pick up for you. Some people are in such a bad place they cant consider the advice and it seems theres no way out, but it sounds like you can start to work on it. For me, realising my own brain was the main culprit and deciding I was going to control it rather than let it run away with me was a turning point, and having the magic device of special jumper etc. Something you can condition yourself to put your trust in that you believe gives you support no matter what can become a crutch if you have a bad day or bit of a relapse. And im a big believer of patting yourself on the back. Something really bad could happen that takes all your friends and family away (in theory) and you might only be left with yourself to take care of you, so youd better give yourself a bit of love! My dark spell put me in a border line suicidal state and I thought I was losing it, and ive often wondered (less and less of course as time passes) that something might happen that makes me slip back into those sorts of feelings where nothing picks you up, so I believe its important to acknowledge when youve done something to be proud of, no matter how small. We often disregard the good we do and concentrate on our failings and its no good for you! Self esteem and care for yourself makes handling all this bad stuff a lot easier, so I believe in only concentrating on the bad in order to learn from it then swiftly moving on to considering all the good you are and do!

Keep me up to date on how you get on with the positive thinking and if you get yourself a device to help you get through the rough patches. I really do think you should have some trial runs of your presentation to take the newness about it. By the time you come to doing it for real itll be same old same old! And youll have your magic pebble, pencil, sandwich to squeeze to give you back up (or whatever you pick!) I think youll do brilliant and youll be all "HA! In your FACE!" to the anxiety. You show it whos boss!

XX Clare XX