Just wanted to check in to see how you went on the 25th @everythingwillbeok? I really hope that it went well

Wow, sorry it has been two weeks since you wrote that amazing (and bravely honest) post Clare and that I didn't reply sooner. I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through that and I am so happy for you that you have defeated it. I also want to thank you for your positivity and support. You don't know what this has meant to me.

When I read your post I was even more determined to defeat this issue. I am so lucky to have never had to experience anything like what you had to Clare and for me it was a bit of a wake up that I needed to do something about this before it gets that bad. That day I whenever a negative thought came into my head I kept telling myself that it's irrational, it's in my head. It's funny when you actively do that, you see just how many times such thoughts pop into your head on a daily basis. It's quite frightening really, to think that my brain talks to me like this so frequently in the day without me even noticing. I also tested this by thinking ahead about the presentation and simultaneously tried to swipe away the negative thoughts and worries and replace them with thoughts of previous situations where I had been fine had done a really good job to overcome my worry. I felt really good about it.

I was starting to feel much more confident but I wanted to test it. I get particularly nervous about public transport and try to avoid it as much as possible. I put on one of the hypnosis tapes, a short one I have that focuses on breathing techniques to use when *n sets in and I set off for the train station. All the way I kept repeating the exercise of combating the negative thoughts and really mentally preparing for the train. I also slowed down my walking pace and tried to remain as physically relaxed as possible. I got on the train and I felt fine but I still decided to plug in the old reliable headphones which are a bit of a clutch for me on transport to help me escape. The train was relatively empty and I felt really good, not letting any thoughts of worry in and my tummy was fine, I wasn't getting panicked and this made me feel really good about myself. I kept telling myself how good I was doing and this really helped. Coincidently, a song came through my headphones that was about defeat and winning. Instead of knocking away the thoughts of worry with the above comments, instead I began repeating the lyrics in my head as it played to replace my own negative thoughts. It was amazing how good this made me feel. I felt in control and at the end of the 20 minute ride I disembarked feeling amazing. I then walked around the busy town for about an hour without a care in the world. Something that I rarely feel in public. The way home on the train was just as good.

After this experience I vowed to keep up the active combating of negative thoughts, and keep practicing the breathing techniques taught in the hypnosis. I decided that if I was going to be ok for this big presentation in two weeks, I needed to keep changing myself continuously, every day if possible. For the next two weeks I did things that made me feel uncomfortable. I tried to take public transport instead of foot/bike including at peak hour. I also made myself take train rides without my headphones on. I drove a car (something I am terrified of) just to the shops and back, I went to public lectures, I went to a market at the busiest time of the day. I went out for drinks at night, I had a large lunch in town knowing that the only way to get home was via public transport. Not all of these things were easy! Coincidently on the train ride without my headphones on, there was a group of kids and one of them pretended to *v on their friend for a laugh! What are the odds! When I realised what was going on I tried to keep relaxed and kept telling myself that there was nothing to worry about and reassured myself that I was going to beat this. Another train ride was a late night, friday night train ride full of drunks. I also caught up with a friends and at one point a friend left the room and we noticed after about 10 minutes that she hadn't returned. We found her outside recovering from the onset of a bug that had been going around her workplace. Somehow I remained calm and was even able to comfort her! I know it sounds like I was doing really well but there were instances where I relapsed. I was in the supermarket and this little girl had this horrendous cough that sounded like she was almost gagging. At first she was in the aisle next to mine but somehow kept ending up in my aisle. I couldn't keep calm, I had to keep vastly walking off to another aisle much to the frustration of my partner (who has no idea about any of my problems). I felt very disappointed with myself. But when I got home, I put on a tape and was determined to not let this stop me.

Another thing I did during this two weeks was to go to the 'scene of the crime' (so to speak!) every day. I went to my university and worked at my university everyday when I would normally study from home.

About a week before my big presentation, an opportunity came up to make a small presentation a group of students in a lower year group. Knowing that this would be good for me I jumped at the chance. It was in the late afternoon and it occupied my thoughts most of the day, largely because I had to prepare a presentation for it. Once I had finished preparing I still had a few hours and didn't want to have my head full of worry about the presentation. So I got everything ready and packed in my bag, properly dressed so that when I needed to leave I could just calmly pick up my bag and walk to the train (not be rushed and half run out the door). I set a timer for two hours, which is when I needed to leave, and I picked an unrelated item on my to-do list that I had been meaning to get to for a long time. Knowing that everything was ready for me to leave and that a timer was set so I didn't have to keep looking at the clock, I set to work. I knocked over the task with 20 minutes to spare and decided to leave early for the presentation and just really take my time to get there. I was actually surprised how good I felt. I had been meaning to do this thing for ages and hadn't had enough concentration to do it. Normally before a presentation I would be 100% focused on my worry. Instead I had removed my thoughts about this worry and I was able to focus 100% on the task. Having also accomplished something, during a time that I would normally be a wreck, I felt fantastic. I arrived at the presentation feeling really confident in myself. I gave the presentation, with only a few nerves to begin with, and it went really well. I made sure to really focus on how good I felt from this afterwards so that I could carry that with me to the big presentation.

So the big day rolled up. The presentation was at mid day. I didn't want to turn up a nervous wreck and knowing how well the earlier presentation had gone was still fresh in my head. I also decided to keep myself busy before hand. I set about undertaking a menial task that needed doing and actively tried to keep my thoughts positive. When I arrived at the presentation I felt good. Surprisingly good. I kept patting myself on the back at how good I was feeling. I sat through the others presentations, something that usually fills me with dread as I wait for my turn on the chopping block. I was aware that this is when I normally bury myself in negative thought so I actively tried to avoid this. I focused as much as I could on what the others were saying, taking notes even though I didn't need to and when my thoughts got really bad I focused on doodling in my notebook, focusing on my breathing whilst repeating the song lyrics in my head to pump myself up. I was surprised how well this worked. At one point a thought about *v came in my head and I just told myself to stop being stupid, I only *v when I have a bug, and I didn't have a bug so if I felt *n it was just my brian being irrational. I went away. When my turn came I felt good just before I started. I forced myself to smile, which really help and I got started. At first I could feel my face getting really red as everyones attention turned to me. But I took a deep breath and told myself that this was nothing and I had done so well earlier this week, this was no different. And that was it basically! I was fine. I didn't feel *n. And after my presentation i was able to sit through the others totally relaxed, I even contributed to a group discussion afterwards without any problems.

Sorry that this is ridiculously long but I just wanted to share my methods for overcoming my fear in presentations in the hope that this might help others. It can be done. It's just a matter of realising that there is nothing wrong with you, it is just your own brain that is having these thoughts that trigger the feelings on *n in a bid to protect you. If you can get rid of the thoughts, the feelings of *n go with it. As I hope my story shows, it doesn't happen straight away. You can't just go to your presentation on the day trying this out. It took me two weeks of actively testing myself, accumulating little wins to use as evidence against the negative thoughts. Even though this has gone better than expected for me, I am not going to stop now. I am still actively challenging myself and actively practicing the techniques. I want to be able to pursue all of my career goals without any impact negative impact to my health. I want to be able to go to a concert. I want to be able to think about having kids. I want to feel able to walk into a hospital, either for myself or to comfort a friend, without any worry. I hope to one day get to a point where the positive thoughts just come naturally and I can sit back and think wow, I can't remember the last time I thought about *v or had a panic attack. I don't know how long it might take for this day to come but I am confident it will happen