OT, my boy is so lost.

[Mamafear]

Hello lovely people, it's been a while as I've been preoccupied with some troubling family stuff. I hope you're all doing okay, I oftee think of you all and mean to visit but get too busy. I need as much advice as I can get on this as I am struggling with everything and can't seem to find happiness myself but my 14 year old son Jack is constantly sad. He hs always been sensitive but recent turmoil in the family has sent him into a tail spin.. His Nana (my Mum and best friend was diagnosed with parkinsons late last year and it's progressing vey quickly then in Jan. this yeat, his cousin confidef in him thatt she was being intrfered with by husbands uncle. Sh e swore him to secrecy and he w kept the secret until just last week. He is miserable, spends alot of time crying. He is also beating himself up for not choosing to break the secret and tell us. He is now required to give a statement and feels afraid he'll get it wrong. Of course we've also got to evaluate our girls (4 and 8) although I'mso safety concious that they're rarely out of my sight. Then, two weeks ago our youngest, Julia, 4, was mauled by a dog at a park. Her back was to th dog so fortunately it was her back and arms that got injured. Her sistet witnessed the attack and ran away because she thought her sister was going to die and she didn't want to watch. For the duration of her hospital stay her older sister barely slept forr fear. Both girls are sleeping in our bed and Jack is blaming himself because he felt he should have fought the dog off, not me. He was sad enough as it was, and then two days ago he got diagnosed with moderate Marfan Syndrome, a connective tissue disorder which has been compromising his breathing and his heart. I've got a broken boy Nd two broken little girls (both girls having nightmares and youngest is wetting again. Jack is constantly crying and does talk to me (and goes regularly to a therapist) but I am concerned that my husband doesn't engage with the boys att all and openly shows disintterest. He is stuggling with peer pressure at school and I'm ansolutely terrified he'll give in and use dugs to fix himself. We're engage in professional help for both him and his sister who has ptsd as a result of the attack, but I'm so distressed right now over all this and just can't believe the mess we're all in. I'd love for his Dad to roll up his sleeves as his buddy and mentor but I just can't figure out a way to engage him or convince him his boy needs him. I am so sad to see the mess we're in and gutted I am so lost as to how to help. Has anyone got advice or experience in this matter? Thanks for taking the time to read this, and apologies for it's novel-like appearance. Donna. Xx

[punchbuggy]

Wow. I am genuinely saddened and so sorry to hear if all this. It really sounds like you are experiencing a terribly hard time right now. I don't even know what to address first.

I work in a treatment home for children that have been abused. I know that is different from what you are explaining here but we do deal with a lot of very sad kids due to their traumatic family histories. I think you are doing the right thing by getting him and the little ones professional help. That is the best thing. Especially if your daughters PTSD is so fresh.

I'm really sorry about your mom that's a hard pill to swallow. I don't know the relationship between the cousin and your son but I don't know how good of an idea it was for her to confide such information to him . He is much to young to be carrying that around. That is quite the emotional baggage and of course the guilt comes along with knowing the information . It's just such a compromising situation to be in.

I think maybe what could help your son is to engage him in at least one activity that he enjoys per day . Even if he hates it while he is doing it. This will kind of keep him afloat ( my therapist does this when I get depressed).

I'm sorry if I haven't touched on everything and this is all over the place I'm just trying my best to give advice where I know !

You are doing all you can do for the kids and that is what a good parent does . Keep hanging on. Maybe have a sit down with your hubby and tell him how important it might be at this time to reach out to your son.

I hope things get better and we are always here

[andee]

So sorry to hear all this!! That is soooo much for anyone to deal with, especially a teenager. I wish I had better advice but I would just stay really close to all your children at this time, talk to them as much as you can, esp. Jack. Keep in touch with his therapist, make sure he is going and being honest. Not sure if maybe medication could help just to get over this rough patch. You could look into that....is he very anxious? Not eating? or just depressed? Please take care of yourself as well...we often neglect ourselves when our family is hurting. Hope your hubby starts to take the lead too, maybe you could talk to him and just really state the facts and how much he is needed. Keep all of us posted and I will be praying for you and your family...HUG!!!

[Mamafear]

Thanks Punchbuggy and Andee, he is such a gentle boy. I have brought them up to be compassionate, loyal and generous and can't help wondering if that just makes them less resillient. Punchbuggy, I think that giving him an activity each day is a great idea, what sort of activity do you do? Andee, he swings from eating ravenously to not eating at all. I am just pumping in nutrients when he will eat. He is a peace maker and invests alot of time and energy into helping others. I hurt for him, so much!

[andee]

Those are wonderful qualities. I, too, have brought up my kids to be kind and caring, and especially to have a love for animals and to always treat them kindly. Yes, sometimes they may not be as "tough," but I would rather have them this way. They will gain resiliency from a stable and loving family environment, and will be able to bounce back from adversity. Keep at what you are doing. You are a fine mom!!!

[jkl81]

I'd say it's a positive sign that he can talk these things through with you; it would be more worrisome if he was withdrawn and was carrying these burdens by himself and you had no idea what he was thinking about. I'd also say it's normal to feel what he's feeling about these situations, as they are really tough. Also, speaking as a male, I remember 13-15 years old were some of my hardest times, where I felt the most angry, frustrated, and where my anxiety first became totally overwhelming. It would be nice if his dad would get involved, but as you know a lot of men are not real good with stuff like feelings and he may not even have a clue what to say to Jack. I wouldn't know what to say to him, honestly. It's a really tough situation.

[punchbuggy]

Back in may , when I fell into a stage of mild depression due to my emet , my therapist and I made a list of different activities to get me out of the dark hole because I wa having a hard time doing anything at all. I just wanted to stay in bed and wallow in my misery. Being hopeless.

My list was compiled of very random things but all things I loved even though at that time I had no drive to do any of them. I will say that it actually helped greatly and I didn't even enjoy doing them initially but the more I forced myself the more enjoyment I got. It was hard and may take a while for him to respond but it works.

So basically, mine was paint nails, watch a movie with friends, go shopping, refurbish an antique peice of furniture, take a walk down a nice area I like, do art (love to paint), bake, try to cook a new dish (love to cook), go thrift shopping with friends etc. you get the idea?

Now let me say, I didn't want to do anything and I didn't enjoy the activities when I first started but the more I did it I noticed I was happier an happier. It kind of works to pull you back to life and get out of that negative mindstate which can be hard at times.

[Mamafear]

You've no idea how much I needooed those words! I'm finding it hard to feel confident in my parenting choices right now, it really feels like it's 'do or die'. Thank you for helping with this. I go into their room after they've fallen asleep and look at him, this man boy of mine (all 6foot of him) and he looks so vulnerable and I flash back to when I could scoop him up, smothering him with butterfly kisses and tickling him until he laughed that magical laugh that only babies can, making all the bad melt away. Now, when he sobs, he holds back, making it clear that he believes a mans freedom to cry disappears along with the boy he so recently was. And that wonderful chuckle he gave us as an indication that all was well again in his world, has also disappeared. I love him so much yet I know I can't hold him as closely as I want to. Those of you with young ones, give those babies of yours lots of love, cuddles, and security, they really do grow up so much faster than we think!

[Cynna]

HUGS. Keep on keeping on. Sometimes you just gotta believe it will get better.

[Mamafear]

Jk181 you're the second person to mention feeling miserable around that age (I did, but I'm female). It re-assures me and makes me less afraid. I am so sad and worried for Jack that I haven't stopped to think that perhaps my husband is at a loss as to what to say. He's terribly competitive with Jack and, after contemplating your words, I wonder if there is an alpha male thing going on (Jack is definitely not competitive back though) .....what do you think?. Punchbuggy, I can see why that works! It's about feeling a sense of acomplisment, but what a fantastic approach, little by little. I'm going to start this tomorrow, now I need to come up with some ideas!

[jkl81]

I can't comment on the alpha male thing, since my dad and I don't have that type of relationship. One thing I would say is that I do definitely (especially when I was younger) have my guard up a little bit more around him than say around my mom. I mean I feel a little safer in showing my feelings around her. With Dad I know he loves me and we can talk about most things but there is always a little more distance, but we're really not competitive most of the time, He's definitely the undisputed big dog around here. I think the main thing is that he needs to talk with somebody, be it you, or his dad or even the therapist (but you or his dad would be better, IMO) and hopefully (it sounds like it's the case) he has the kind of relationship with you that he can be completely upfront with what's on his mind even if it's difficult. You could honestly not pay me enough to go back and redo that year or two of my life, and I didn't even have to deal with all this extra trauma like he's had to. One thing you lack a bit at that age is the perspective of how things are constantly changing, and though it feels like you'll feel however you're feeling forever, later on you realize that isn't the case. So I guess, one way or another, he just needs to get through this rough patch and realize that it will get better and he won't feel this way forever.

[Mamafear]

I have tried telling him that and he thinks (as you've said) that I'm wrong. Do you mind if I show him your post? I have asked him if it's okay if I came here and talked about it, so he knows... If you'd rather I didn't I'd understand!

[andee]

That's a good idea Mamafear (showing these posts). Yes, I know the feeling of your children growing up. My daughter is soon to be 16 and my son is 11 1/2 and is as big as me! I,too, remember holding him in the rocking chair, looking at truck books, dinosaur books, etc. And my "little girl" wants to learn to drive!! But even though they sort of show their independence and distance, deep down they know who to turn to. Keep the faith!!

[jkl81]

Mamafear, you're welcome to share anything of mine with him that you think might help.

[Mamafear]

Thankyou everyone for your help and advice, it feels a whole lot less foreboding having outside input and not doing it alone!. It feels like everything I suggest or advise is pivitol. I showed him the thread and he cried for ages and then said it's amazing how people who don't even know him can care. He said that he feels more positive to hear that it will come right and there is going to be a light at the end of all this. Thanks so much for being so helpful! He's playing his violin right now,...and it's not his usual sad tunes! X

[punchbuggy]

So happy to hear that mamafear. It will get better it always does. We are here for Him and you. Have you tried the daily activities? Hopefully it's helped a bit. Will keep you all in thought

[daffodil]

You are a wonderful mother. Your caring for your children comes across very clear in your posts. I'm sorry your family is going through such a rough time. Being a teenager is hard enough, but add in all that's been happening and its understandable your boy would be upset. I pray that things will get easier for your family very soon. Hugs.

[Mamafear]

It's so encouraging reading your replies, thanks for taking time out to help. He's having a really rough one today. When I came into his room to say good morning (a ritual we have as it's the time of day he is most likely to talk) he was crying again. He just seems to crash so easily. He wants me to help him get muscle tone though so I think that could be a great daily activity. Aah, parenting hurts sometimes!