I had a bad relationship with my narcisistic mother for years, and it is hard to let your abuser go when you love them even if they are no good for you. Now, I never went through all that by a long shot, but I do relate to still loving your abuser. You're missing the person you wanted him to be and maybe the person he was at one time. And one day, you'll realize you loved the dream of him more than the actual him. Because the actual him from my perspective, is a pretty bad guy who wants to hurt someone in a serious way. I am so glad you are out and away from this person. *hugs*

If a hospital is too much, you can always volunteer at the local no kill animal shelter or the public library. I know you love animals and libraries are nice, quiet, peaceful places where nothing more dramatic than a local drunk sleeping one off may happen. I worked in libraries for five years and I loved it. They also always need extra help. I hope you can find peace and learn to love yourself. I'm so glad you are away from the monster. *hugs*