emetophobic for most of my life

[applesauce]

This is my first post. When I was a kid I had a tendency to V* all over myself. And my brothers would not make it to the bathroom when they needed to V*. My dad would V* very loudly and disgustingly.

This created a fear that crippled me during my childhood and still interferes with my adult life. As a child, if soMeone would V* I would run and scream and cry. I couldn't control the fear that took over my body. I locked myself in my room when the SV would go around my house. When I would V* I would finish by shaking, crying and screaming. I would get scared if someone didn't feel well.

Today, the anxiety can be debilitating. I've had full blown panic attacks. I live with my boyfriend (who is so patient with this fear) and I've cried, shaken and hyperventilated if he would V*. I feel so selfish. If someone even looks off, I get nervous wondering if they'll V*.
I work as a personal care attendant for a couple with physical disabilities. They have two kids. I've tried to explain my fear to them but I don't think they understand. The stomach flu went around at their house and other attendants caught it too. I tried to find a way to get out of working and have washed my hands raw while I worked my shift. I got called to cover other shifts.
There was a point where my boss was about to V* and I ran downstairs to the attendant bathroom and locked the door and had a panic attack. It turns out she kept it down and didn't V*.
They tried to bring me back up. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was gonna V* myself, I was shaking and I had a hard time swallowing because my throat felt coated with stuff.
It was embarrassing and I couldn't stop crying.
I rarely V*. The last time I did was in 2011 when I drank way too much. I'm glad I barelyreremember it! And before that was when I was about thirteen. If I catch the SV I don't V*, I make it come out the other way. I'm constantly nauseous though and my medicine cabinet is stocked with Tums, Gravol and Pepto Bismol. I don't like riding in cars with people and I hate hospitals with a passion.

My family makes fun of me for it. They would gag and pretend to V* just to watch me react and panic. And they'd laugh. I couldn't tell anyone about it. My friend Billy was the first outsider I told and he was completely understanding about it. We wanted to try a relationship and he was willing to make sure i wasn't exposed to V* in any way.

We didn't work out. But I did tell my current boyfriend about this fear and he's so understanding about it. If I have a panic attack he calms me down and lets me obsessively take Gravol and Pepto when I get nauseous. And if he V*s, he approaches me after a while to apologize for making me feel bad. What a keeper!

I just wish my family didn't tease me about it. I still find this fear to be embarrassing and debilitating. I'm considering quitting my job after that SV went around. My other boss made fun of me about it. He said "I feel like I'm going to puke" and laughed. My other boss, his wife, (who's a clinical psychologist) told him not to make fun of me.

I just can't live like this anymore. It's getting in the way of work and life. I have been freaking out over undercooked foods or food that has been left out for a bit too long .I see a psychiatrist for other mental health issues but I don't know how I can talk about this.

If you could offer your support and give me tips I would really appreciate it. Thanks so much!

[NicManri]

I'm sorry your having such a rough time, just know your not alone. Many of us have similar fears as you. You are very lucky to have such an understanding boyfriend.

[Mamafear]

Wow, I feel sad to think of a little girl with a fear like this who lived her childhood out so surrounded by V*. I know most of us on here were/are currently flattened by this phobia and so while some of us are feeling like we're pushing melted butter up hill with a fork, there are others who have (after fighting and working very hard) achieved at claiming back their lives. Anyway, I hope you find some solace here, welcome to the forum!

[bswarac]

My family makes fun of me for it. They would gag and pretend to V* just to watch me react and panic. And they'd laugh. I couldn't tell anyone about it.

My family used to do this, too; or, they would get really angry with me when I was freaking out. I remember many, many times being screamed at and belittled by both of my parents when I would experience anxiety related to my phobia.

You are not alone; there are folks on this board who get it, and truly understand.

I have had to quit working because of my phobia; I have severe physical symptoms (Somatization Disorder, IBS, OCD), and suffer from chronic nausea, which makes the phobia worse, and you know the drill. Cycle. Repeat. I have finally found a great therapist to help me along this journey. Have you checked into that? Anyways. I wish you the best of luck!