OT - Selfishly obsessed with my weight.

[yourjedi]

So, a little over two years ago after I graduated high school, I became overly preoccupied with my weight and appearance. I have always had a low self-esteem, but when it came to what I ate and how much I weighed, I never really cared that much. In my family, there is a lot of anxiety surrounding weight – my aunt’s family (who I am extremely close with) are all gym-obsessed, as is my paternal grandmother. They all go to the gym every other day (even the ten, fourteen and seventeen year old), eat organically and all of that. From them, I have been criticized many times about not being thin enough, to the point where when my family goes to their house, I don’t swim anymore out of shame of how I look in a bikini because they would always mention it. My mom’s side, however, thinks I’m too thin. I’m 5’4 and weigh 108.

I’m small chested, which also never bothered me until very recently, and only because I feel that if I were a little bigger in the bra department, I could afford a little extra weight on my stomach.

Like I said, until 2012, what my aunt and the rest of my dad’s family said never really bothered me that much. Suddenly, I became obsessed with being “thin,” and it hasn’t faded since. I obsessively look at pictures of thinspo girls on Tumblr and end up hating myself for not having a perfectly flat stomach or dieting like they all do. I have horrible food guilt – every time I eat something that is even a little indulgent, I cry about it because I’m just contributing to the problem. I used to crash diet constantly and I still love feeling hunger pains as a result, as I associate it with feeling thinner.

I barely have enough money as a college student to feed myself anything at all, much less eat a strict organic diet. It’s 100 here every day lately, so I can’t go for a run without keeling over, and my boyfriend doesn’t like me going outside alone past six (for whatever reason).

It is so incredibly selfish, as many girls my age weigh more than I do, and here I am crying every day and hating myself because I truly don’t feel that I look good. Could that be any more bitchy? I know that it is, but I can’t help it. All I see when I look in the mirror is someone who isn’t beautiful. My dad got angry at me about it earlier today – he truly is slightly overweight and says it’s mean that I whine about how I look all the time. He is the only one I talk to about it, I don’t tell him to fish for compliments, I just hate, hate, hate how I look. I brought it up to my boyfriend once, who said, “Who cares what anyone else might think as long as I think you look fine?” It’s not what other people think, it’s what I think. I’m not happy with my appearance.

In the past, I was able to do those awful crash diets, but now that my boyfriend and I live together, it’s impossible – he’s too observant. What's sad is that I want to so badly even though I know its bad for me.

I don’t know what to do. I feel horrible all the time about it and have thrown out so many lovely clothes because I can’t stand how I look in them. Please, understand that I am not fishing for compliments – if I wanted to do that, I would upload a cute picture to Facebook with the caption “omg so ugly” or something. I’m genuinely unhappy a lot of the time over this.

Any advice to reach my goal of 102lbs (that was how much I weighed in 2011 and I was pleased) and achieve a flat stomach would be amazing. Dieting/exercise, all that. I got my gym membership and am ready, but it’s hard with this horrible body image. Advice in that respect would be helpful, too… A lot of this was to get all of this stress off of my mind and vent.

Lots of love xo

[cycle]

Hey jediii!

I just want to start by stating the obvious...you're very thin for your height. I also understand that body image is a very tricky thing and it's hard to listen to someone bla blaing over the internet telling you you're 'fine' and to be 'happy with yourself.'

I, too, am 5 4. For most of my life, I was really, really thin. When I hit rough patches with my emet, I became even more, sometimes dangerously, thin. Until a few years ago, I was 108 pounds as well, and I didn't look good and most importantly perhaps, I wasn't eating healthily. Finally, when I was 23, I started taking meds for anxiety. it was like my world opened up. I could go out to eat, I could enjoy being with friends, and I could travel. I started eating better and started gaining weight. 24-25 is also around the time when your body starts to change. I started getting curves which was totally weird for me bcause I had always had sort of a boyish figure. Now, at 25 I'm 5 4 and 125. I feel and look better than I ever have in my entire life. I even ran a half marathon this year. But It definitely took getting used to. My family (besides my dad) is crazy skinny (and tall). My dad and I are shorter and more muscular and built. Every time I came home I felt massive. it took a while to remind myself that I FELT better.

The point of all this storytelling is to remind you that our bodies know what's best for us. If 108 is ideal for you, your body will want to stay there. Yes, you could lose weight to be 102 but your body may not like that and you won't feel as good as you should. There's way too much emphasis on being stupidly thin in this world. Models only look as good as they do because they're crazy madeup and airbrushed. If you've ever seen a model in real life you'll see that they look sickly and fragile. My advice to you is to be mindful of what you eat and how you exercise. I know that healthier food is expensive which is so annoying. But try to eat things in season and all that. Also, as far as exercise, cardio and yoga are the best. What's most important is that you learn to love yourself--because if you don't, even losing this 6 pounds will never be enough. Every body is different, no matter what shape and size, and every body is beautiful.

[NicManri]

First off you are very thin, I'm slightly taller but the same weight. My bf is a trainer so I understand not feeling perfectly toned but you have to learn to be happy with yourself first. Form reading how unhappy you are I don't think any sort of exercising, gaining or loosing weight is going to make you feel better about your self, there will alway be something you are not happy with. I think you first need to start with having a healthy view of yourself and your body.

[NaiveAndTrue]

Eating disorders are a form of anxiety, which we already know you have. I have dealt with similar issues. I can tell you, joining group classes and getting into healthier eating has helped me a lot. Specifically I do zumba and yoga, and will be getting a certification to teach PiYo next month.
Three years ago, I would have looked at you crooked if you suggested I go to the gym. I was never overweight, but I have bad joints from cheerleading and gymnastics and a hefty case of dontwannas. But it's completely changed my life. My depression lifted, and as I get stronger, I care less about the lil pooch belly I'll always have and and more confident in what my body can DO - not just what it looks like. I've met amazing people, and working out drives me to eat healthier - although I do still enjoy my chocolate ans bacon. Moving the focus away from just how you look to how strong you can be and how great you can feel could really really help you!

[emet-ana]

It sounds like you have an EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified).

The only thing that is going to help you feel better about the way you look is to see your doctor or a therapist (possibly one specializing in eating disorders). Anorexia is a grizzly nasty disease that if it sets in will steal your personality, your friendships, possibly your relationship or even your degree/career- it is really not worth persuing weight loss when you already have a BMI of 18 (20 to 25 being the normally accepted healthy range) but you almost definitely need someone to help you to feel better about yourself, your appearance and weight