Thank you for sharing.
I understand much of what you say. The last time I was s* was in hospital from a kidney infection. It happened three times. I was very distressed in the hours building up to the first time, but I remember thinking when I did it, is that it?! Lol. I mean it wasn't nice but it was a bit like coming off a fairground ride thinking, that wasn't that scary, nowhere near as scary as it looks, I could do that again... Type thing?
But what I am struggling with is the n* side, which I admit is worse than actually v*. How do you endure it? I know you kind of have to, but that is the worst time for me as it lasts much longer than the event normally. And I think that's partly down to the unpredictable nature of the act you are building up to, not knowing when you will v*. Usually if you are vervous about something like a job interview, you what to prepare and when and how long you have. You manage your fear as it steadily increases as you get closer, that's natural. But with n*, it's not like that, you're up and down and then suddenly BAM it happens. That is what I really struggle to cope with x