My CBT journey

[punchbuggy]

Whenever I have doubts about overcoming emetophobia I always read this and it gives me hope. I am so thankful for this thread

[Tonster]

Oh my goodness, after reading your forum here, I had to join and reply I am suffering anxiety and have just read through the norovirus link. I was so worried because I was at a funeral yesterday and someone I had shaken hands with and then hugged/kiss on check had to go home shorty afterwards as they were very ill. I have been so scared for myself and my diabetic husband since - but now will be a bit calmer for the next 48hrs, after reading the link. Thank you so much. I just hope I washed my hands enough!

[Sicky-Ricky]

This is such a great story to read this thread, very inspiring.

[Ophi]

It's been a while since I updated. I've been doing A LOT of soul searching and some really hard CBT work. Thinking about it is making me a bit teary eyed because this journey is so amazing. I'm learning so much.

I finally had another CBT appointment last week and I was really nervous and dreading it. I felt like I hadn't made enough progress to please my therapist. I went and we talked for a bit and then he said something that shocked me: "Are you even afraid of anything, anymore?" I was caught off guard. I realized the things we decided that I should work on... they didn't scare me anymore - well, sometimes I still get nervous when I do those things but the fear never stops me anymore - I don't even hesitate. I know it's just fear now. I had to take a minute to think of things that I'm still hung up on. We made a new list of some of my bigger hang ups, things I've been afraid to mention before. Like going for a swim at the public pool. I'm afraid of germs in the water, germs in the changing rooms, germs in the shower. I'm afraid that I'll somehow be sick if I swim because of the exercise (which is ridiculous because I used to be a competitive swimmer, and I swam HARD and nothing even close to that happened).

My therapist said he's really happy with the progress I've made and he was just showering me with praise and motivation. I left feeling really, really ready for the next bit. I left feeling like I'd done a good job. On the way home I started thinking about how I'm so unable to feel like I'm good enough, and my mind wandered about in different thoughts and I started thinking about how throwing up isn't my only fear.

Let me explain. After new years (which was AWFUL I had SO much anxiety) I started really questioning myself. WHY do I feel this way? And I started really watching my thoughts, and I identified some patterns.

First, I realized that for over a decade I've been self mutilating - for many years I cut myself, and now I go through phases where I starve myself for no other reason than to feel hungry. I've always felt like I needed to be punished. And in my mind there was no worse punishment than throwing up. So I started to expect it.

So, I came to the conclusion that my emetophobia isn't the disease, it's a symptom. Besides my strange self punishment, I am wary of everything. Then a thought hit me that has literally changed my life and made fighting this thing so much easier: I always expect something to go wrong. I do it with everything. I'm afraid to go out in the winter not only because of noro - I'm convinced that I go out enough times I will fall and hurt myself on the ice. Things like that.

I realised I have some very strange OCD thoughts. Like; I can't play a videogame and watch a movie in the same day because it's too much fun for one day. I feel very uncomfortable going out, coming home and then going out again in the same day because I feel like I've used up my "outside" ticket of the day. I challenged those. I played video games then watched a movie and then I played video games again! If I got an urge to do something that I would normally talk myself out of I did it. It's been so much fun.

I've been doing a meditation every evening and sometimes in the morning that I found on youtube. They use the mantra "everything is absolutely okay right now" - and I tell myself that everytime I get anxious about if what I just did will lead to me coming down with something. If it happens, it happens but in the meantime I'm going to live. I am starting to learn how to live in the now and not what maybe might possibly happen in the future at some point.

It feels good you guys.

I was actually reading your posts and thinking "I think Avath may have OCD" ahaa

[Ophi]

Ahhhh I just read the rest of the whole thing and it's so great. To go from such severity to nothing is incredible. I'm so happy for you! This thread can be a constant reminder that we can all do this <3

[Missviviemaeh]

I have just found out this evening that my fear has a name! I found this site, which excites me! But, as I read through these posts I see that it's more focused on you yourself vomitting. My fear is mainly on others around me vomitting. Don't get me wrong; I do fear of myself coming down with the Norovirus or being exposed to the germs, but I fear that I will get sick which will lead to everyone in my household coming down with it. Is anyone else mainly afraid of others vomitting or is it just me?

[sarahsarah]

hi sorry to hear about tht it soundsary heart trembling and scary i have tryed cbt and nothing works on me i am currently taking hypnotherapy and it really help calms me dpwn but i am so scared tht i will never be cured....

[hannahlucyx]

This post is so inspiring and reassuring, thank you! I can relate to so many feelings you've written about and I am waiting to hear back from the therapist I have been referred to so I can start my CBT
The part about the 'vomiting syrup' though! No thank you! I like to think I'd do it but that doesn't seem likely haha!

[Izzyryancool]

I have just found out this evening that my fear has a name! I found this site, which excites me! But, as I read through these posts I see that it's more focused on you yourself vomitting. My fear is mainly on others around me vomitting. Don't get me wrong; I do fear of myself coming down with the Norovirus or being exposed to the germs, but I fear that I will get sick which will lead to everyone in my household coming down with it. Is anyone else mainly afraid of others vomitting or is it just me?

I also deal with the fear of others vomitting. I mainly worry about being with sick kids or adults and I will not be in situations where intoxicated people are around me. I fear that I will see them vomit. I have also learned how to not vomit when I feel bad using medicine, supplements and peppermint. I recently noticed that I fear more when in public with my kids. I worry of n* and v* with them.

[Boyke84]

Cannot sleep. Having such bad anxiety, going in waves into panic. Feel like I am doomed. Would rather be dead in this moment. I'm trembling and my throat feels tight. Like I'm choking. I am trying to tell myself that it's because of the anxiety and not my body trying to keep vomit down. It's just anxiety. But that doesn't explain why my stomach has been gurgling so much today and why I've had a cramp come and go in my lower stomach. Trying hard to keep my hold on being brave but it feels like the tighter I grasp on to it, the harder my anxiety fights me.

Low point. Been doing so well the past few days, but right now it feels like I'm in hell. I feel like the anxiety will never go away and I will never get to sleep. My husband says I have to eat something, that I'm probably mistaking hunger pains for cramps but I don't think I am. They feel like IBS pains and that scares the living bejesus out me right now because of the dinner party I'm hosting. I feel like I am going to disappoint everyone.

Low point. Very low point.

OMG this happened to me two days ago.. I couldn't even cook for my friends..I was paralyzed with this choking/gagging feeling that I couldn't even cook them my special bbq meat.. My parents came over and helped and I calmed down because I knew they wouldn't feel weird when I was constantly clearing my throat to avoid that gagging feeling. It was the first time they had seen me like this, so it was a good thing, because now I don't have to hide it..

I also love exercise and outdoor things like skating and surfing...but i haven't surfed in years due to my anxiety, because the saltwater dries my back throat and I gag..aswell as the energy exerted trying to paddle etc


Hope your CBT is working for you, I am trying some hypnotherapy soon because my fear is closely linked to a childhood trauma (embarrassment) of being ill infront of people.

[Avath]

Hi!

It's been a few years since I posted. I can tell you I'm still "in remission". I'm a nurse now and I deal with both poop daily and vomit frequently and it doesn't bother me at all beside the realm of "normal". I mean, it's not pleasant but it's not so unpleasant that it controls how I act. If I've been with a sick patient during the day, I don't think about it all when I go home.

Every now and then I feel “the fear” but I don’t let it take over. I sit down and have a real think about what in my life that’s making me anxious. I believe that I’m still kind of wired to go to emetophobic thoughts if I don’t direct my anxieties to where they’re actually from. This happens less and less, though.
I look back at how I lived – never going out in case I would catch something, counting hours from when I ate to see if I got food poisoning “this time”, insomnia because I was so afraid, the constant all-consuming anxiety and quite literally wanting to die because I couldn’t stand living like that – and I feel so sorry for past me and I feel very bad for all those who still struggle with phobias.
I just wanted you all to know that it’s completely possible to go from really bad phobia to being “normal” and for it to stick. CBT was hard work and it kicked my ass but the short time it took still astounds me. It’s worth confronting your fears and being very scared for a little while to never be that type of scared again.
I went to university. I travel a lot. I work in a hospital. I eat what I want. I never thought I could do any of that but I can. And from the bottom of my heart I believe that every single one of you can too.

I am happy and I do what I want without fear. Anything that happens, I can handle and it’s not forever. It’s going to be okay.

Does anyone have any questions or something I could answer?

[Boyke84]

Hi!

It's been a few years since I posted. I can tell you I'm still "in remission". I'm a nurse now and I deal with both poop daily and vomit frequently and it doesn't bother me at all beside the realm of "normal". I mean, it's not pleasant but it's not so unpleasant that it controls how I act. If I've been with a sick patient during the day, I don't think about it all when I go home.

Every now and then I feel “the fear” but I don’t let it take over. I sit down and have a real think about what in my life that’s making me anxious. I believe that I’m still kind of wired to go to emetophobic thoughts if I don’t direct my anxieties to where they’re actually from. This happens less and less, though.
I look back at how I lived – never going out in case I would catch something, counting hours from when I ate to see if I got food poisoning “this time”, insomnia because I was so afraid, the constant all-consuming anxiety and quite literally wanting to die because I couldn’t stand living like that – and I feel so sorry for past me and I feel very bad for all those who still struggle with phobias.
I just wanted you all to know that it’s completely possible to go from really bad phobia to being “normal” and for it to stick. CBT was hard work and it kicked my ass but the short time it took still astounds me. It’s worth confronting your fears and being very scared for a little while to never be that type of scared again.
I went to university. I travel a lot. I work in a hospital. I eat what I want. I never thought I could do any of that but I can. And from the bottom of my heart I believe that every single one of you can too.

I am happy and I do what I want without fear. Anything that happens, I can handle and it’s not forever. It’s going to be okay.

Does anyone have any questions or something I could answer?

Did your CBT involve inducing a dizzy action like spinning you in a chair? or any sort of activity that makes you feel n*?

[AZCH]

Thank you for the update, Avath, this is so inspiring. I have done a lot of CBT and exposure therapy and have come a long way myself, but I still don't feel recovered mainly because I still panic if I think I am going to v*. I've gotten a lot better at handling nausea but if it gets bad enough I still panic. What did the last steps in recovery look like for you? Have you been sick since you've been in remission? I want so badly to be done with this phobia and I know I can be, because I've seen a lot of changes in myself. Congratulations!

[punchbuggy]

Avath, just seeing your update and it's so refreshing to read that. Over the years I have visited your thread often. I too believe that it is possible to go from very bad phobic to a enjoyable life! I am so happy for you.

[deeendnamtoe]

This thread made me cry. I'm going to start CBT soon, hopefully sooner rather than later (financial reasons...). I just relate so much. I've been diagnosed PTSD, rough childhood with emotionally unavailable parents. My father passed last year. I never felt good enough and I totally relate to feeling like I have to punish myself, or that I'm seriously not allowed to be happy. You have really given me inspiration to move forward. Thank you.

[Rinkosparrow]

I just found this page last night. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. It gives me hope, and it gives everyone else hope too, that we can overcome this. I'm on a waitlist for seeing a therapist right now who deals with emetophobia. I've had this phobia for 10-11 years. I have a few questions for you:

1) How important do you think your relationship with your therapist was in dealing with this phobia? Obviously I know it's a good idea to have a therapist that you work well with, who knows what you're going through and can help you. Do you think that if you had another therapist, you would have made the same amount of progress?

2) Was it scary doing some of the CBT work? Do you think it still helps you to this day, or is it more like- you just don't have the fear anymore, it's been healed?

Hmm...I had some more questions but I don't remember at the moment lol

[Feroz]

thanks for sharing!!

[mkem47]

My emetophobia came out of nowhere last summer and has been getting worse ever since. Please note that in this time, though, I have not thrown up no matter how many times I was fully convinced it was my time. For some reason it gets the worst at night. My nightly routine consists of taking unnecessary medicine because "maybe it's reflux" or "maybe it's food poisoning" or "maybe I'm dying". And then I lay in bed and research the symptoms that are occurring to see if I'm going to throw up. This then leads to me passing out with my phone in my hand at 3am, waking up and having to lead another exhausting day of worry. I really want to get treated because my fear haunts me day and night. I can't escape the thought of "what if..." and it kills me! I'm scared that if I go seek professional help that I'm going to be forced to do exposure therapy- something I'm certainly not willing to undergo at the moment. I need help because I'm not sure what to do or how to approach my problem. Everyone thinks I'm so ridiculous, so I'm not sure how to go about curing this fear of mine. Any thoughts help! Thanks!

[Cureemet2007]

I too have trouble at night. It's actually my hardest time for anxiety. I have found that taking a shower helps me. Not only does the warm water have a calming effect but it soothes the sore tight muscles from all the shaking. Then I imagine that I'm rinsing the sick feeling down the drain. When I get out I feel a little better and then I can sleep. Also I play relaxing games on my phone or tablet to fall asleep. I didn't used to be an emet. It didn't bother me. But somehow I've gotten to this debilitating fear. I honestly wish I could I dentify when it all started So i could fix it. It seems like the more I give in to the fear the worse it gets abs the more I choose to live rather than let it control me the chains loosen. So hard to take these steps but once they are past and nothing happens I feel so much better and am less afraid to take another. I should note that I suffer from anxiety in general as well. I've also been forced to deal with my fear of spiders since we moved to a place where there's tons. Seems like as I deal with that fear it also helps me deal with emet as well. I'm just getting sick of fear control my life. A side note. it has been helping to remind myself that nothing horrible happened all the times I v*d in the past and that it didn't really hurt and often made the nausea go away. But sometimes the fear takes me for a ride.

[plarsson]

Thanks for sharing. It is very interesting to read the perspective of someone using CBT.

[Ashleyj14]

Thanks for sharing about your recovery!!! Soon I hope to find treatment in the upcoming new year