Can We Talk About WHY We Are Afraid?

[kaiilyn_23]

I think it's the uncertainty - that it could happen anywhere, any time. The last bug I had, last February, it hit me hard and sudden while watching my sister's swimming lesson. It wasn't the end of the world but obviously it wasn't fun. The worst part of the ordeal is honestly the nausea for me. The actual vomiting part isn't so bad, although with that bug I didn't end up being sick, everything but. I had thrown up a few months before for the first time in thirteen years. The vomiting sucks but like I said, the nausea for me is the worst part of it all. Feeling so horrendous and not being able to stop. As soon as I'd thrown up a couple of times, I felt so much better, and the second time I wasn't even afraid to do it.

I definitely do think it's a control thing for a lot of people - not that we're necessarily control freaks but the lack of control we have over vomit can be scary. It's such a common phobia yet very few people talk about it or seek help because they feel so embarrassed. Since I've started being more open about my phobia, and in-depth about how much it affects me, I've discovered a lot of people who feel the same way. Some people aren't plagued by thoughts constantly, but when presented with a situation involving vomit, react exactly like an emetophobe. That used to be me - only afraid when presented with a situation, as opposed to living in fear.

[momof5]

I've always had this fear, my brother also, and some relatives so I wonder sometimes if it is a passed down thing, genetic. Mine got very out of hand when I was in 2nd grade, I got sick when I was 12 and it wasn't so bad but always there for about 15 years then got bad again when I had children. Now I can barely leave the house. Wish I knew what started it. Or why it scares me. Crazy!!

[pikaboop]

I think, for me, it was because I ended up in the hospital when I was younger due to not being able to keep any liquids down ( ended up passing out in the kitchen as I tried to walk to another room ) and then, recently, when I got the sv* ( in 2014 ) I ended up gaining a temporary lactose intolerance that I had no idea could happen! Apparently a sv* can mess with that and make you unable to tolerate certain foods since I couldn't handle my usual meals after and felt n* and unable to eat well for over a month after until I looked some stuff up, went to the doctor, and got tested. Ended up losing a ton of weight, became lethargic, and had to take anti-n* meds for days ( most of it was hunger-related since most of my foods have something with dairy in them - toast with butter, pudding, etc, etc ).

Funnily enough before that I was fine and usually handled sv* by sitting in a chair and watching TV with a bucket in my lap, LOL! Child me, in elementary school, didn't care. I viewd the sv* as something great because no school and I could watch tv for hours and stay up late and sleep by the tv. But then I had that ONE sv* that made me faint and well, here we are.

Didn't get sick again until I was 22, years later - at least ten years, and it was awful also.

It's mostly anxiety and me worrying that 'if I v* what might happen? will i end up in the hospital again? will i end up having another food intolerance afterward that i won't realize until i get sicker? will i spent another month n* and feeling awful? will i faint? what if i faint or lose consciousness when i'm walking down the stairs?'. Even though I RARELY get it ( although having a little brother and sister now might mean me getting it more but ) and even though I KNOW what to do and expect. It's what v* might bring, y'know? The anxiety of after. If it'll continue happening, if I won't be able to keep liquids down, if it'll cause my stomach to resist dairy and make me s* even more so I feel like an entire month is spent with the sv* almost, etc, etc.

But I try to remember that out of all of it: I survived and figured it out and I conquered it. Even if I'm still cautious and worried now, with the sv* in my house recently, I find the anxiety and fear of it was worse than the actual act. I find the anxiety is the worst of it when it finally happens.

( Despite knowing this though I still fear it greatly and struggle with it but it helps to remember that if I start to feel n*. I just repeat to myself 'it's quick and usually over with after a few times and you'll be fine it's unpleasant but you'll be okay you were okay last time during the act just calm down and breathe.' Does it help? Somewhat. Still panicky and anxious and worried about what might happen afterwards. But it does help me remember I've done it before and, though I cried when I did it, I'm still here and okay. ).

[cheymcg]

I was always told "lack of control, lack of control, lack of control" etc when it came to my fear. I always thought that wasn't it. I thought to myself "I don't fear control at all!" But then, I took this course last winter. The course is basically a self discovery class...it lasted a month and we did a ton of self awareness activities.
One of them was being blindfolded for an entire day. From the time we woke up until about 6pm. We ate, drank, went to the bathroom, navigated ourselves around the property all while blindfolded. We were sitting in session in a big circle talking and suddenly I felt so tired. So tired like I could sleep. Normally, during a class or when we are somewhere we can't sleep we use our eyes to distract us and stay awake. What was I supposed to do when I couldn't see? How would I stay awake and present?!? I started feeling so panicked because I couldn't open my eyes and distract myself. I grounded myself by touching things and talking to the people around me. But later I realized the panic I experienced was the same feeling I had when I would feel sick or fear sickness. So now I understand the control thing. It makes a lot of sense. I couldn't control my body's sense of falling asleep, just like I can't control my body's reaction to sickness or food...and so on.

[Leslie735]

Mine is getting sick when I'm not in the comfort of my own home. It totally makes me panic if I'm away from home and start not feeling well.

[Yue]

I don't care where it happens, I care that it happens at all. The pain, the loss of control, not knowing when it's over, the aftertaste, all of it is awful and makes crazy. x_x

It'd be as bad in public as it would be in private.

[Issi]

I hope this isn't too long & graphic but I do want to share. For me, it's that initial feeling of panic symptoms that seem to be the same as getting sick: heart racing, sweaty palms, etc. In the beginning I don't know if it's a panic attack or I'm sick. It's hard to explain. It's as though the IDEA that I might have the illness sets me into a horrible panic & I can't handle it! I pace & wring my hands. I can't think straight! If it's a virus, I'll have diarrhea pretty quickly... Then I KNOW I'm truly sick, with which thing I don't know... but I know it's going to be many hard hours ahead. I pray & pray & pray! I promise that I'll do everything right if I just get through it! It's DEFINITELY the nausea for me and the anticipation of what MAY happen! I've never had this happen: but I think if I vomited suddenly with absolutely NO nausea, I don't think I'd be so freaked out (except to wonder what caused it). I've been afraid for as long as I can remember! But I was sick when I was about 10. I probably hadn't been sick since I was 3. My dad had just had his appendix out. I came home from a party & suddenly didn't feel well. I was in bed next to my dad while my mom was in the other room. Suddenly I remember I felt a horrific feeling that I had never felt before. I didn't KNOW what the feeling meant or where it was coming from. For all I know I could have thought I was dying. I jumped out of bed & ran towards my mom & got sick on the floor before I reached her. I remember my mom yelling to me to come quickly to the toilet. I was extremely sick that night, including in the hallway. I have a vague memory (not quite sure if it's true, but I think so) of my mom being exasperated & in tears because she was so exhausted from cleaning up after me. That night is what stands out the most for me! (I didn't eat pizza for 10 years after that!) It's hard for me to relive that night, like right now. I don't think I've ever actually written about this! My kids all have this fear to varying degrees although none I think as bad as me. (I wonder if they will someday find a specific gene that I passed along to my kids?) Sooo, fast-forward to this past New Year's Eve day. My daughter calls me from her room on HER CELL (because she knows I flip out) to tell me she threw up & has diarrhea!!! I go into panic mode, almost frozen. She was quite sick all day & even Zofran didn't help. I was able to get her Compazene suppositories later in the day from her MD, which really worked (but she was pretty empty by then). She stayed in her room. I put things by her door for a couple days. We were constantly communicating, though. Once she was feeling better, SHE felt bad for ME!!! That is the WORST feeling in the world when here your kid is sick & she's worried about YOU! She just came back from a 2-day trip. She's totally fine. I'm still in freak-out mode because I know she may still be contagious, & her poop is contagious for 10 days after. But SO FAR, SO GOOD! It's 6 days now, so unless she brings virus out of her room onto a surface in the house, I know all will be okay. THANK YOU ALL for "listening"!!!

[Yue]

I know exactly how you feel, Issi. The buildup and the panic symptoms are hell. I get the same desperation and begging, so I know that too.

I'm so sorry about what you had to go through. You're like, mega super brave for sharing that.

I don't know what to say about your kid. I wish I could give you some useful advice.

[_lorna_knight_]

Control. When I got ill, it delayed our family holiday. I was 9 & I was meant to be going on holiday on a Saturday, & I got ill on the Friday night.. Really ill. Two days at home & then on Monday I was venturing out to Scarborough. My parents were careful with what I ate in case I got sick again. I know I should just let it go. It was over 6 years ago. But I also worry about delaying things now. If I got sick it would delay my life for a while, and it'd mean I'd have to stay at home, where nothing every happens and time drags on in a monotonous robotic way. And I wouldn't know how long it'd last for, and waking up in the night like I did in 2009.. Having it happen when I was barely awake. All control gone, even when I barely have any control in the first place. No, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd rather never hear again than vomit, even though music is such a humongous part of my life.

[afiadkay]

I don't know why I'm afraid but I just always get scared and I felt I was weird. I hid it pretty well from everyone and tried leading a normal life

[Koizumiii]

I'm not sure exactly why, but I'm much more okay with getting sick at home (but don't get me wrong, I still am definitely phobic of it) than I am in public. I think the only reason I'm scared of getting sick in public is because then I know I'll have to travel some distance for some time, either in my own car or on public transportation, which on its own makes me feel a little sick. Last tie I was sick I remember even just sitting up in bed a little made me feel worse so I don't know what I would do if I had to take the metro and then walk a mile...

[veronicac2212]

I think it is a control issue for me as well. The more prepared I feel, the less anxious I feel. I will make a cozy spot in my bathroom with pillows and all my remedies that help me and put relaxing music on, and doing all this makes me feel less scared about it. When I'm in public or in my car and I don't have access to my "safe place" or the things that I think help, I start to freak out. I especially need my privacy. Even if someone is in my house but a different room, I will not feel better until they leave and I am alone. Not really sure where that comes from. I hate this damn disease!

Issi, I totally understand your desperation as well. In my worst moments I pray and plead and pace. And as for a gene being passed down, it very well could. My mom also had this fear, and I don't think it was a learned behavior because she no longer had the phobia when she got pregnant with me. I guess it gives me some hope that she got over it.

[tinnie]

I think the biggest think for me is the lose of control and just not knowing when, where and how it will happen or how long it will last. Not being able to really control any aspect of the sickness makes it seem so much scarier for me. But I don't think that being in control of it would make the fear go away. But it would probably be at least a bit better if I was sure I would make it to the bathroom etc.

Also my mind always goes crazy with the worst possible scenarios. Like what things I may miss out on due to being sick and how it will horribly affect my future etc. It's always very far fetched, but scary as if it was happening.

[Ashmhow1984]

For me, the feeling is worse than the act. I get panicked when I feel *n because I know how miserable I'm going to feel. The other day at work, I felt *n and a coworker told me to make myself *v. Just the thought of doing that gave me so much anxiety I almost passed out. Other than the awful feeling, I don't know why I'm so scared. I wish I knew...

[starlit_galaxies]

For me, its the anticipation. I'm fine during the actual act, but I hate waiting and waiting for it to strike again.

[erin_euphemia]

For me, it's people knowing. My emet first started back in 2002ish. It wasn't full-blown but I got a sv and I thought "if I tell my parents, I won't be s*" but that didn't work. So I became scared that people knowing I felt unwell would make me v*.
Fastforward to 2004 when I was at two family gatherings in one day. I started feeling n* at the second one but tried to go on as normal. I remember only being able to stomach a small drink of juice. I then v* in the car on the way home.

Since then, when I'm anxious, I literally CAN NOT be around people. I have GAD and my panic attacks make me feel sick, which in turn makes my emet worse. Luckily I live alone so I can easily hide away, but I still panic about people at work finding out etc etc

When it all comes down to it, I think it's because I myself am nervous around others when they are s*, and I don't want people to judge me in the same way even though I know they won't unless they are emet.

The brain works in funny ways...