Hey
I am terribly sorry you're going through this battle every single damn day. What I can say, though, is that I think you've thought about your emet THAT much that you're playing out a fantasy of what this 'horror' is gonna be like for you when actually, on a scale of 1/10 of worst things in the world, I don't think v* would be ten if you really analysed it. You seem fully aware of the rational and irrational and I think you need to just let it go cos whether you're sick or not, the absolute panic about it will make it ten times worse....think about the last time you were n*...what was going through your mind? We're you thinking overload about what might eventually happen or how uncomfortable you are...most likely the first...you seem to be stable enough to know your anxious mind is playing games with you and yep, it happens but I really think you'll power through this in the right mindset
I'm not gonna stand up and say I'm cured but I was exactly as you are in 2007/2008/2009 after my mum came down with a bug of some sort in '08 and I would stay indoors for a week even if I felt sick for ten minutes. But....and this was scary....(trigger) December 1,2009 was my night. I fought it off for five hours and told myself it was anxiety but the more I lied to myself the more the fever went up and the next thing I knew I did THE gag. The gag which always happens before I v* (from what I remember when I was a kid) ...yep, I wretched for a good hour. Amazingly, I didn't quite manage to v* but believe me I was exceptionally close and I casually faced the fear..turns out I was very sick with influenza and I got the type which causes v* from high temperature..I was very angry haha and stomping my foot saying "why me!" ...I was 16 at this point and to see what I've made myself depresses me...I was so confident back then...I freaked as each hour got worse but I soldiered on and when the moment came I thought of Beyonce and how she would cope, this may help you in the very worst case scenario - picture yourself as a hero, one who isn't phased so much by something like n*.
However, deep down in me I feel someone exactly as you - but I applaud you for moving all the way to the UK and even considering travelling cos I'm petrified. I wanna be as you are - you don't see how inspiring you are! That's like my ultimate dream and every little battle you win against emet - you're stronger everyday.
Do you feel n* ALOT? If not, ID really really truly fixate on the better things in life. Since I altered my diet a little and cut out stresses in my life, the n* has died down...as has my emet-brain....sure, I wanna kill myself in bad times of feeling rough but, believe me when I say this, I went around 200 days from "oooooo morning. Oh damn - v*. Will I face it today?" ---->>>>> "oooooo morning. Ah! I have that nice cereal today! AND I get to see my parents and little parakeet!" ....the recovery? Honestly? Fixating ALL your energy on anything BUT V*.... I wont lie, I'm still underweight and hate food scenarios unless it's bread or crackers but..for the most part, my day revolves around my favourite things, not my least.
Message me if you're struggling