i feel stranded

[Jenneh]

guys...


i'm depressed. i'm angry. i'm frightened. i'm alone. i'm hurt.


i feel dead inside.


a lot has gone on which i've kept away from here.


my friend has tried to commit suicide twice. ended up in hospital once, and nearly went in the other day again after taking yet more paracetamol.


she's all i have. and i'm not kidding. since leaving school, all my fiends have gone. they have lives. they socialise. i don't. i'm the oddball. the one left behind.


she's the only one who gives me a moment to feel lke i exist. i txted my ex-best friend from school the other day. i got no reply.


what's more - i ws supposed to see my psychiatrist today.


she cancelled.


15 minutes before i left to go.


i'm supposed to see her monthly, i vhvent been for months and months on end now. she does this every time. and gives no reason - just "she can't make it".


i'm just feeling dead inside. worthless. likei don't matter.


i know i've got my CPN.. and we're strting exposure therapy soon... but i'm not seeing him for another 2 weeks, i didn't see him last week, so thats 3 weeks til i see him again.


i need consistency.


i'm not strong enough to be left alone yet... stranded... i still need mental help.


i'm slipping.


fading.

[annbarwick]

Hi Jenneh, I don't know what to say - I have no experience of what you are going through with the medical support. It doesn't seem right that people you should be able to rely on can let you down at the last minute and without offering you anyone else to go to.


I am so glad that you have found this site at least - people here seem sooo supportive.


I have seen your profile and know that you are quite young - I think that even without emet or any other worries - it is REALLY tough just getting through being your age! Things do get easier later - at least that is my experience.


It felt to me likeI went completely off the rails at about 18-19 but managed to sort myself out and now (at the grand age of about to be 40!) have a job,lovely partnerand young family - don't have it susssed exactly - but definitely manage to enjoy life now.


All I can say is hang in there - have seen enough of this site and the people on it to know that you are not alone - we are all here for you whenever you need us.

[mia3]

Jenneh,



Please don't dispair, you can get through this. I do know
how you feel. My doctor as cancelled on me while i'm not my way
there . I just had a friend just get out of the hospital for the same
thing. Everything is building up from too many crappy
things happening all at once but you can get through it. The human body
and mind are alot stronger than you think.

Just when you think you could never get through something that
makes you feel down right horrible the next thing you know the next day
is here, the next week ,then month. You are really young
trust me you have so much to look forward to. It can get better.

I was once in the hospital for the same reason as your
friend. I was twenty or twenty one. I'm thirty one now and
still get depressed but oddly enough today I thought about all
the things I would of missed out on if I had gone through with
it. I know you said your friend was in the hospital but the way
you were typing is the way I felt before I was admitted. If you
feel lonely and bummed you can always e-mail me .[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img] cara

[samara's on tv]

Jenneh,


I know ALL too well what it's like to be depressed. I was diagnosed with depression and mania and I'm finally after 8 years feeling like I'm stable. They got me on some good medications. I've tried to commit suicide 4 times, and I was hospitalized 4 times. There was a point where I thought no one could help me, even though I had friends around me I felt totally lonely. I went through a period of time where all I could do was cry and that lasted for almost a month. It took work but now I'm fine. I know it's hard now and I know you are feeling pretty terrible but you have to hang in there. I know you don't want to hear that, I know that you want it to be all better but it will be better in time.


~Monica

[alongmoore]

Jenneh,


The most scary feeling in the world, way more than all of this n* and v* stuff, is feeling dead inside. When we're not feeling well with our stomachs it's all we can think of, but sometimes feeling nothing is worse. That's why people starting cutting themselves, beating themselves up.


You are an important, valuable, wonderful person and you are loved. No matter how alone you feel, know that you're loved. By me. By others here. There may be an ocean between you and I, but with computers I'm actually not very far away.


You need to talk to someone about feeling let down. You need to tell your counsellor, you need to find someone who is reliable and will walk with you through all of this. You are worth it. Don't shrink away as if you're nothing. Stand up for yourself. Know that you're loved. You deserve it.


I'm sending a bunch of hugs. Use them as often as you need. They'll never run out.

[Jenneh]

thank you [img]smileys/smilies_46.gif[/img]


after writing that, i had the worst night ever... was crying from about 10 to 3. after that long u start to feel very sick, trust me.


i wrote a letter to my parents... and left it for them so they'v read it. i'm sick of doing this on my own.


i know thing's will get better -- i'm defenitely not about to do what my friend has done... i just wish i cud find someone professional who i cud rely on...


well actually i did have one - my social worker - until she was taken away from me.


now i've been referred to a bunch of numb-nuts who know bugger all about the importance of consistency.


anyway, i'm glad to get these replies, thank you so much. i knew i cud turn to here, after all ur the ones who understand the very most.


i love each and every one of you. tke care


Jen xxxxxxxxxxx

[yenn]

Jenneh, don't despair we are all here to talk. Where abouts in the UK are you?

[Jenneh]

close to London. well -- about an hour and a bit away on the tube anyway.


xxx

[trinity_13]

Jenneh i am sorry you are going through rough times, it is so unfair being let down by the people who are supposed to be there to help you. One thing i have noticed with the NHS is there is no consistancy, it is an appointment here and there. I went 14 months between psychotherapy appointments because of blunders and was almost beyond desperation. When you have depression anyway the last thing you need to feel is let down and like you don't matter, that just reinforces your own feelings of worthlessness.


You are a truly wonderful person, i have read many a reply of yours on this site where you have encouraged and advised others and even though you have your own problems your kindness always shines through.


I really hope you can find some peace and get back on track with therapy and re-discover that inner strength that is just in hiding right now


Please take care xxx

[kate1966]

Hi Jenneh....just reading your post here...and wondering if you are feeling any better? You sounded so despaired...I was feeling your pain reading your story...and I was concerned...I hope you are doing somewhat better now and have found a therapist that will stick with you.....Kate

[mitch04133]

How are you doing Jenneh?? I am so sorry that things are so rough right now. I hope you are doing better, let us know.

[Jenneh]

hey guys....


Sorry i haven't been around for a while.. my laptop managed to get 15 virus' so we had to send it away to be completly wiped.


friday is when i am starting this exposure therapy. although i'm also going to ask him if he will consider seeing me on a weekly basis because i am now feeling the pressure of needing to get on with my life, but feeling held back by this emetophobia.


also nowbecause of my age i am having to buy £6.50 worth of tablets a month .. and atm i'm not earning very much and certainly can't afford that for very long!


so i'm hoping he will see me on a weekly basis.


My friend is doing OK. not brilliant, but better than she was. which i'm very grateful for.. once less thing on my mind!


only, *see other post about food poisoning* i am losing a lot of weight. i am 2 pounds off being my lowest weight where they were considering putting me inpatient. i am now less than 6 stone again - and it's not healthy. so i am goig to have to make sure i hide this from my CPN otherwise IP may be on the cards yet again...


anywya yes.. thats a brief update!


Jen xxxxxx

[crazy_me_84]

Jen, you're so brave to go through with the exposure therapy. I hope that your therapist will consider seeing you weekly. I think therpay is better when they see weekly because a fortnight or monthly is too long and so much can happen between sessions that it can be overwhelming. Seeing on a weekly basis for exposure is probably better because itsmore persistentand your fears will not have a chance to relapse within a long period of 2 weeks or a month.


I hope you manage to put the weight back on soon. btw, I read one of your otherposts somewhere and you mentioned you have an eating disorder? Was this a result of emet? where you don't have a fear of gaining weight? or something else? you can tell me to mindmy own business if you want(!) I'm asking becuase my doctor said I had an eating disorder because I described my eating patterns and when she weighed me, I was just a tiny over 6 stone...


Annabel


x

[Jenneh]

the eating disorder isn't related to emetophobia. it is a completly seperate diagnosis for me. it came about though because of my frustrations with my situation (having many anxiety disorders) and no one taking me seirously andlistening to me. so i was trying to make people notice me by slimming down... ironic eh.


I got to a very dangerous BMI of 13.5 before i turned myself around wondering why on earth i was doing this?


Jen xxxx

[bexcelica]

hey girl just wanted to see how you are doing. i rememebr a post about
you not being able to eat, but i cant find it now. hope youre ok.

[Jenneh]

hey bex! thanks for ur concern.


i'm doing better at the moment. eating is getting easier and my mood is improving... i.e. anxiety lessening/depression lessening.


so things are starting to look up again.


thanks for helpin me up guys.


Jen xxx

[willow2]

Hi Jenneh,


Glad to hear you are getting on a bit better. How are you getting on with eating - a BMI of 13.5 is very low!! Is it the eating disorder or the emetophobia that is causing you to loose weight. I know you said that eating disorder was about people taking you more serioulst etc but are you still suffering from that?


I also hope your friend is doing ok - it must be so hard to not worry about her and I am sure it isn't helping you to concentrate on yourself. It sounds like you are there foe each other which is amazing.


What caused you to get food poisoning - had a look for your other post but couldn't find it.


K xx

[steph77]

is your friend getting the appropriate help she needs? or is she on or considering medication? on your part, let her know that she IS your most important friend and how much she means to you. cite examples, if you need to. a somewhat amusing anecdote in a morbid sort of way: before i knew him, my fiance attempted suicide many times over the years. approximately 30 hospitalizations for them. and he actually tried hard. od, wrists, you name it. he doesn't know why none of them worked (he's very tall - maybe it takes alot more alcohol and pills to hurt him lol) but he eventually realized he's just supposed to be here. he's a wonderful person and i never would have met him if those attempts had worked. he still gets depressed and it crosses his mind, but he figures it's no use, it won't work, becausei'm supposed to live my life and experience the good AND the bad. findmaybe you could help your friend find reasonsSHE should be here. i hope all is well. good luck

[Jenneh]

Willow: what caused me to get food poisoning was the supermarket stocking their freezers too high, so the meat defrosted.. i brought it home and re-froze it... what made me have a low BMI to start of with was anorexia, now it's emetophobia. i'm not intentionally losing weight, it's just happening.


steph: she is getting some help.. but i'm not 100% confident it's actually helping.. she is on medication yes... and she knows what i tink of her e.t.c. how important she is to me. my boyfriend has tried to kill himself twice before i met him and it has never worked for him either. he took it as he just has to be here, lke the rest of us, and we don't have a choice. i'm glad u met your fiance.. it's strange to think they wouldn't be alive if it had worked!


Jen xxxx