Relapse :-(

[lewisr]

I know, it's the journey, not the destination, that counts. But relapses are so hard.

For the past few months I have been seeing a fantastic psychiatrist who put me on a very low dose of Xanax, and an awful psychologist who has told me that "in a sense, you are losing your mind" and that "the best thing you can do is pump yourself with a high enough dosage of drugs to quell these obsessive thoughts." Perhaps not needless to say, I am searching for a new psychologist.

The Xanax has been doing an outstanding job of helping to prevent panic attacks and thank G-d for that (I went from multiple attacks per day to one or two a month) but it has done nothing for the fear and obsessive thoughts. Fear is my constant companion.
I've been able to keep the fear somewhat under control but there are times when I relapse. Like right now. I woke up feeling achey and tired (which I am pretty sure is from the Xanax) but also with a bit of a sore throat. Before I get sick, any kind of sick, my throat (I guess tonsil) hurts in a very specific spot. That's what happened this morning.

I was also very queasy and almost n* this morning and had lots of gurgling down below (embarrassing, I am sorry.) It's now 1:32 here and I finally became brave enough to heat up my Amy's frozen meal (too OCD right now to eat lunch from a restaurant) - but I just realized that I don't remember if I Purell'd before touching my food (after touching the microwave here in the office.)

In addition to my Emet (and this is beyond the scope of this board, so I apologize in advance) I have also been diagnosed with hyphochondria so I am worried that this tired/icky feeling I am having, coupled with the sore throat could be some sort of major health issue, and not just the Xanax, as I suspect. Those fears are making the Emet-related fears much much worse.

Perhaps the catalyst for all of this is I discovered that I have to go to this party at a client's house next Friday night. I am not looking forward to it (because those things are almost always unbearably boring and/or obnoxious but a necessary evil in my line of work) but moreso beause we are going to be driving up from DC to NY in my boss' car - 5 of us!! - and then to this guy's party in PA - and then back to DC. Holy crap, how do I count the fears!?!?!?!:

- motion sickness
- sv from being stuck in a car with 5 people for 8 hours over two days
- sv/food poisoning from party
- panic attack at the party
- no escape plan/route from the party - if my boss is my ride then i am stuck there
- my psychiatrist appointment is the following morning - i am scared spitless of missing that because he is so hard to reschedule - he is so popular

So yes, friends, I am having a relapse. It stinks!!

As always, advice or thoughts or even a prayer would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Lewis

[peachykeen]

Oh Lewis, I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. Your
psychologist sounds like a big butthole, imo. This time of year is so
very difficult for all of us - what with the constant expectations of
attending various social events, all of the illness that seems to be
going around, and the pressure of the holidays. Just try to keep
reminding yourself that you WERE feeling a bit better, so it's possible
to feel better again. Most progress seems to be two steps forward,
one step back. So think of this as your step back, and now you get
to go forward two - you'll improve even more, right? I really feel for
you for the stress of the party you must attend - I would be freaking
out too. Just remember to keep up with good hygine, and avoid food
that could be iffy, and I'm sure you'll be fine. I'll also say a prayer
for you, that you make it through healthily, both physically and
mentally. I'll be thinking of you!

[kel12347]

First off, your psychologist SUCKS! Dump him or her now. People with anxiety disorders are definitely not losing their minds, in fact we're more in tune with our minds and bodies than others. The Xanax is probably helping as far as panic attacks, etc., but that class of drugs doesn't do squat for obsessive thoughts. To help with those, you need an SSRI (antidepressant). I'm on Prozac and Klonopin (which is like Xanax), but the Prozac is the one that curbs the obsessive thoughts. I'm currently relapsing as well, the Christmas season is hell for me, and tomorrow is my v* anniversary. Eeek! At least winter is almost half over.

[lilyann]

I came down with a wicked sore throat, achy body and headache last night too. Went to the dr. today and got a script for amoxicillin since I am pregnant and prone to pneumonia. I think it's some sort of virus, most likely not v* related. I'm just scared because I had this a year ago in January 2005 and again in January 2003 and both times it turned into walking pneumonia. Hope I can beat it this time. Hope you feel better soon too!!

[mjewell]

hi lewis -


I know how you feel, emet is a big part of my problem but in the larger scope I have anxiety disorder which affects my life a lot more then emet specifically. I would be freaking out if I had to do that whole party/driving with people thing.


Isn't there any way you could take your own car? I finally had to be honest with my friends and family and just tell them look, I get really bad panic attacks and if I don't have my own escape (i.e. my car) I will freak out. Now I take my own car everywhere. I am so much more at ease just knowing I can leave whenever I want. You could make up any excuse really.


I also agree with Kel that an anti-depressant (SSRI) will help with your overall anxiety. I have been on Xanax almost three years but I only take it for my attacks and really bad times like flying. I take Lexapro day to day and it helps keep me calm and level 24/7.

[lewisr]

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. My psychiatrist has been gently nudging me towards an SSRI but I have said no way no how non-starter because n* and v* are listed as side effects - and folks on this board have confirmed that (the consensus here seems to run 50/50 - scary risk to take though.)

best,
Lewis

[japa]

I think a few people may have claimed mild nausea, but I don't remember anyone claiming that they actually vomited from an SSRI. If you take a small bit of the pill to start, you will be fine. I read the consensus a lot differently than you did. And do you mean to say that Xanax doesn't have nausea listed asa side effect? That's interesting.





Just say that you prefer to take your own car up to the party. I don't think that would be a big deal at all.

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. My psychiatrist has been gently nudging me towards an SSRI but I have said no way no how non-starter because n* and v* are listed as side effects - and folks on this board have confirmed that (the consensus here seems to run 50/50 - scary risk to take though.)

best,
Lewis

[kel12347]

I've taken both Paxil and Prozac, and had no nausea with either drug. On each, I started out slowly (10 mg on Paxil, and 5 mg on Prozac) and built up to the recommended dose. THe only side effects I had were sleepiness, and headaches (these could have been due to allergies). The side effects went away after a couple weeks.

[bexcelica]

lewis - i am so sorry to hear youre going through this. between emet,
ocd, and hypochondria, you must be exhausted emotionally! i dont blame
you for feeling achy and gross. you have provbably worn yourself out.
take some time for yourself this weekend. if you need to talk you know
my aim.