When to tell someone you date

[scaredykat]

I have a dilemna....sort of....I have met someone online (through yahoo personals) and we have been chatting online every night for quite awhile now. I have never mentioned my phobia or panic attacks or the problems they cause me in my everyday life. (such as why I am on disability, etc). I'm scared that if I tell him too soon, he will think I'm nuts and run as fast as he can. I am scared that if I don't tell him, he will be mad when he finds out. I also don't feel safe or secure around anyone that doesn't know about my problems because if they don't know, I'm more nervous about panicking around them...at least if they know, they understand if I get stuck in the bathroom or if I panic, etc.


So when is the right time to tell him? I have hinted around like I've asked him if he had any strange fears or phobias (and of course he didn't and he didn't ask me)...I also asked him if anyone every panicked around him and I made a joke or two about me panicking but I'm pretty sure he didn't catch on. I'm really big on honesty but I know that you aren't supposed to tell a new person everything about your life. Since I don't date, I'm not sure what is the smart thing to do that is still honest.


Any advice?


Thanks


Kathleen

[x hannah x]

What I did with my bf was just to ask him what his biggest fear was, (Spiders, for a change *sarcasm*) and then saying "Wow thats a lot more rational than mine, I'm scared of v*ing. I mean it is gross but I'm just that little bit more paranoid - yay!" Then kind of mention that it is actually a thing with a big impact on your life.


P.S None of my business whatsoever but you need to be careful with this whole online dating thing because you never know.

[harmonygirl72]

Hi,


I met my bf online (match.com) and yes, you have to be careful, but it can turn out great, as it did for me! I told him fairly early, but as hannah said, kind of nonchalantly at first. I kinda joked about it for awhile and then I told him about the site and everything. He is SUPER supportive about it! I hope your guy is the same! Oh, I am not sure if you have met this guy in person yet; I didn't tell mine until we had met in person a few times.


Good luck!


Mary

[s_snow]

Well be careful about telling.


Find right moment and place.


x hannah x give you grat advice.

[hippychick]

I always slip it into conversation, either with people I am friends with or people I want to date, i think I told my current GF straight away, the more you build it up into a huge secret and a big deal the more it will appear that way you know? Joke it over, drop it in and then later you can go into the affect it has on you.

[scaredykat]

Thank you, that's great advice!!!!


Kathleen

[asagao]

as a male i just get it out in the open. it seems egotistical, but you know who is willing to side with you and who is not. i used to keep it a secret and afterwards break into tears once the panic set in during a night out or a date. it's more embarrassing to break down in front of someone that doesn't understand than it is to expose your weakness from the beginning. if he truly cares for you then he will 'care' for you when the time is right.

[purpleteacher]

I am who I am and part of me right now includes being really scared of V*, so I am open about it. We don't talk about it in every conversation, but why hide part of who I am? I don't directly ask if they have a V* fetish or something or if they like to play with spiders - we just end up talking about our wishes, desires, dreams, fears, etc... and stuff comes out.


Who cares if people know? Me being afraid of V* is just as irrational as a 250lb man being afraid of a mouse (at least I view it that way).


Now I am not talking about disclosing mental illness here, I am talking about being honest about your feelings and how you live your life. I am an emet and my lifestyle reflects that. I also have an eating disorder and it doesn't take long to figure out that I am very squeemish about food, yet I'm obsessed with it at the same time. I don't come out and accounce that I have an eating disorder and that I'm emet --- I just show who I really am through my actions and if they ask, we *talk* and sometimes I disclose and other times I sugar-frost it.

[crimgoddess]

I met my boyfriends online as well (although he was in the same city as me at the moment, so after chatting we met up the next day).


I told him pretty much in that first date- we started talking about him being a nurse, and I told him why it would be hard for me to do his job, lol. If it's a large part of your life, if you hide it you are only doing yourself a disservice. It makes it a lot easier to explain why you dont feel comfortable in certain situations, and why at times you act irrationally (other than them just thinking you are weird, haha)


As for being supportive- my boyfriend is 100% supportive, but not in a way that enables me to give this phobia more power and let it take over part of our collective lives. He definitely does not let me get away with avoiding certain places, people, or things, or starting unhealthy thought processes- which I am grateful.


Good luck with the man Kathleen! I know it can be a bit weird right at the beginning, but you never know how things may turn out. I'm still amazed myself that I am moving in with someone I met online!


*amber*

[japa]

Tell as soon as possible. You may as well find out whether it's an issue or not from the very beginning. After all, if a significant other can't handle your phobia, then he/she isn't a keeper (to use an annoying cliche).

[kristi425]

I would definately say there has to be a level of trust there. I told my boyfriend and he didn't know what it was. It wasn't until new years this year that he saw me have a panic attack in public over a kid getting too drunk nad there being on bathroom for me (i was a bit drunk too, andI was having a uti- which I've gotten at least six of this year, so it was serious). You also might want to connect him to a website or something so he kind of gets that it's not just a fear...it's an actual phobia.


Wair for the right time and make sure you trust him a lot to not tease you or think you're a weirdo. If he's a real man (a good one that is), he'll try to support you however he can and he'll love you no matter what.

[scaredykat]

I just want to thank everyone and give you an update. The guy turned out to be scary. I went out with him twice and a few days later he stood me up...the next Monday, I got an email from his "girlfriend" who asked if I'd talk to her in person..(we all live within 2 minutes of each other). It turned out that he had at least 8 other girlfriends at the same time (all met online) and we all met. Last Saturday, six of us met and went out. The women are all great and we are becoming fast friends but he was a total jerk....took them all to the same bed and breakfast...told them the same "lines"....had unprotected sex with 3 of them....I was very lucky that I only went out with him twice, I'm scared to death of catching a disease! I started to panic that I kissed him and everybody else did too LOL I was thinking "I wonder if any of them had the stomach flu"...how ridiculous is that? LOL


Anyway, one of the ladies introduced me to a very nice man who I'm now seeing and I told him all about my panic attacks and told him about this phobia a little. I sent him to the page on this forum that explains to doctors what it's like to be an emet....I figure if he doesn't run after reading that, he's a keeper! lol


Thanks everyone for your advice and sharing your experiences.


Kathleen

[kristi425]

That's good that all of you ladies met!!! And that you got introduced to a REAL nice guy! Hopefully he is more supportive than the liar jerk guy before! I bet he will be, who would want to loose an amazing girl like you over emet? And if not, you deserve someone who will support you through good things and bad.

[crimgoddess]

wow......CREEPY Kathleen. Eww eww EWWW.


LOL- on the bright side, at least you only kissed him [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]


Glad that you met another man who you are taking a liking to. See, it's cliche but things always work out in the end!


*amber*

[scaredykat]

Hi all, well the last 4 days I've spent panicking because I got some kind of stomach virus. Luckily I didnt actually "v" and I'm through the worst of it now but it's been hell. This new guy is really really nice but for some reason I can't let him near me. I was fine the first few dates now if he tries to kiss me I feel like gagging. (he's a terrible kisser LOL). The problem is that he is really SUPER nice. I don't know what's wrong with me.





Kathleen

[kristi425]

I'm glad he's a nice guy. I'm sure the main reason you don't want to kiss him right now is because last time you kissed someone it turned out badly. If this guy is as nice as you say he is, it won't turn out as negatively. And if you've seen him and he hasn't been seeing other people, then he's not sick to pass something onto you.


Maybe he just needs practice kissing...I wonder who his "teacher" should be.

[crystalmom]

I also met my b/f online (lavalife). When we met in person the first time, it was disasterous. I wasn't really attracted to him, but I was just so emotionally attatched. Anyway, sometimes you have to let it go with the flow and trust your instincts. I wouldn't want to kiss someone after all that.


BTW...my b/f and I are living together, and planning on trying to conceive a baby in the fall!!!! [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img] And, we have a FAB sex life!!!


Crystal