Dating relationships

[jkl81]

I see that a lot of you have been able to maintain dating relationships and even marriages in spite of this phobia. I'm just curious how you were even able to meet people and how these relationships work. I'm 27 and have only had one real girlfriend, and yes my emet made that relationship difficult. Also, the phobia often encourages the tendency that I already have toward being reclusive which doesn't help me to meet people. It does give me hope that a lot of you have still found ways to not be alone. I hope I can as well.

[sage]

Hey jk,
Welcome to the site. It's hard to know how to respond, except that perhaps a lot of us find solace in another person who is helpful and sympathetic.

[jkl81]

Thanks Sage. Just curious as to how people have made it work. Having someone really truly understanding would be helpful, being rid of the phobia would be better. It's a lot to ask of somebody else.

[SimplyMe]

I'm currently single but have had relationships and yes the emet is a pain but its only in one relationship been an actual issue. It is alot to ask for someone to take on BUT that said, you're taking on their problems too. It all depends on the person and absolutely it takes a special person to deal with it BUT it pays off for them as well because emets are awesome people ... seriously, I'm not being silly, this site has some of the most caring, understanding and loving people I've ever known and if a significant other can accept and be supportive of the phobia they will also get one heck of a partner.

[jkl81]

Thanks for the encouragement, you are correct. Everyone has their issues and some of them are just as bad if not worse than emet.

[1234]

Im positive that are people suited to each other in all ways right around the world, we can all find somebody if we really want to. Sure, emetaphobia is tough on relationships, my husband sticks by me but he gets very frustrated and he doesnt always understand, but hey thats like me not understanding football! We all have different things to contend with, with a non emetaphobic partner you must try not to force them to understand, coz they wont, its our thing to deal with, let them help, dont make them have it too! its just not fair! As far as meeting a person (the right person) will walk into your life only when you are ready for them to be there, perhaps if you are very reclusive at the moment a relationship would be a no go, however, you wont always be as reclusive so when you feel ready to go out more, even just for walks, you will find someone.

[stronghope]

My husband and I have a saying, which we used in our Wedding Vows. "We are neither one of us perfect, but we are perfect for each other." We have the right mix of similarities and differences to support and challenge each other. Everyone has problems, but its those of us with really low self esteem that think no-one will ever be able to love us or handle the weight of our problems. Please don't despair. Someone will no doubt think they are the luckiest person of the planet to have met you when the time is right- and you will feel the same about them.

[mrsgabel]

I met my husband 2 years ago at a party actually. It was in the summer time, so my emetophobia wasnt as bad as it normally is. He didnt find out about my emetophobia for quite a few months. He has been very supportive though. At times he gets very frustrated with me being so scared and having panic attacks, but he always sticks by me. The real test for me was about 6-7 months after we met. He came down with a horrible sv where he v* for at least 7 hours...and it was every 10-15 minutes that he was sick. I was trying to bring him things to help and be any help that I could, but I know I was doing a horrible job. I sat on the couch with the tv cranked up and my ears plugged. He kept coming in and making sure I was ok throughout the entire time. I still cry when i think about how sick he was and how scared i was for him. To him, he said it was the worst that he has ever been sick, but its no big deal. He understands though that if that were to ever happen to me, that i would have to go to the er to get the v* stopped. He is really an incredible husband!

[jkl81]

He does sound incredibly understanding. Good for you,, good for you both, it is so true that we are none perfect and all have our baggage. I haven't given up, I've been a little down these last couple months cause my phobia has been real bad we've all been there I'm sure. Thanks for the kind advice

[socitycourty]

My husband knew of my phobia but he doesn't really try to understand it...or the panic attacks. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't really care but...that's why I got into therapy.

[clands]

I have not had any successful relationships. I cannot go on dates for fear of getting sick and not being able to escape. I dont know how to explain this to anyone that i'm involved with. I wish that i could tell them that its not that i dont want to be with them, but its just that i'm so scared i'll get sick while i'm with them and i wont be able to make it away in time. and one time i did have a boyfriend, and he threw up right in front of me. and even though i know its shallow, i couldnt date him anymore. i couldnt date him after i saw him throw up because thats all i thought about when i kissed him and i wouldnt kiss him for atleast a week after that

[betsie]

I'm currently in a successful relationship, and i've been in relationships before. My phobia has generally never been a problem. My current boyfriend likes to go out and party, and i will go with him. He understands that I dont like to drink because of my problem and he doesnt mind aslong as im having fun. Whilst out in clubs ect its easy to bump into horrible things, but i generally avoid places like toilets or being outside for too long and things are fine.
My boyfriend is a heavy drinker, but fortunately for me he can handle it and has never been sick the whole time weve been together. (Apart from the other month, he was on a lads holiday in Zante and got carried away with spirits, I werent there though so all is fine!)

I think its important to explain your situation and you will generally find that people are sympathetic and willing to help. The one time that someone was ill around me this year and i went int oa full blown panic attack my boyfriend sat me down, hugged me and told me things would be alright. Its that support that helps our relationship!

[alycat27]

Honestly, it's never come up much, and I have been with my husband for five years now. There were two instances that sent me into a big of a panic. Once when I was pregnant we were supposed to go to a nice restraunt, just him and me. Well someone phoned and said it was so and sos birthday and would we like to join them for a bit before we went to dinner. Well, that turned into us riding with someone else and this person wanted to go to a skanky outdoor bar for their birthday. They drank a crapload and then went to dinner with us and gorged and drank more. Then all of a sudden at the bar(I hated being there, I mean, I was freakin pregnant, I was so embarassed sitting there, wanting to leave thinking how tacky that must look)the guy turned green and someone asked him if he was going to be sick and he said he had to be so he ran in the corner and did it very loud and obnoxiously, followed by all his friends with their camera phones to capture it. What the hell is up with guys? [img]smileys/smilies_11.gif[/img]

Anyway, I kind of ran out of there and was ready to catch a cab and leave myself. FINALLY my husband realized I was gone [img]smileys/smilies_12.gif[/img] and came out and hailed us a cab and we went home. I think he just assumed I was grossed out like any normal person would have been.

Another time some of my husbands shipmates came over and drank beer and played cards. One of the kids overdid it and went outside and puked right over the fence near where the air conditioning unit is [img]smileys/smilies_15.gif[/img] I was TOTALLY grossed out.

Other than that I have only heard my husband get sick once from a stomach bug. And luckily all I heard was a splash and I left the room so I couldn't hear anymore. My husband sometimes drinks quite a bit but can hold his liquir, thank god. Unlike my sister in law who I have heard horror stories about ugh, I won't even share the details, fellow emets would have to cover their eyes.

So anyway, my emets doesn't really effect me unless I am in a situation like on a plane or in a car with strangers or at a place where people are heavily drinking. You know, times when your in a space you can't leave and someone might get sick. I have no fear of getting sick myself (though I hate it) so mine isn't as crippling as others.

[prncesspnk]

i'm very open with pretty much everyone with my emetophobia. i
want people to know and i want to educate people, i guess. i really
don't care if people judge me... this is part of who i am, and the
people who judge me because of it are not a part of my life. my
boyfriend and i met last september, about a year ago. a couple of
weeks after we met, we were in his car on the parkway, and we went
back and forth telling each other little things about ourselves. i told
him about my phobia. i don't think he really got it at first (how could
he? he never knew a fear like this existed), but he never judged me.
the more he got to know me, the better he understood and supported
me. he's great. when i have a panic attack, he knows just what to do.
and he gets me to do things i typically wouldn't do (like go on rides
and go out to restaurants, etc). like others have said, no one is
perfect. when two people are able to love and support each other
despite all the imperfections, that's something that's truly special. as
hard as it may be, i think it's very important for us to talk to our
partners about this phobia and give them a chance to understand.

[fobiquez]

My emetophobia keeps me from doing alot of things and dating is no exception. I doubt I'll ever be able to date, marry, or from any other relationships that requires direct contact like kissing (the thought of exchanging saliva that may contain noroviruses is too much)

[wallflower]

I kissed someone back in my Luvox days (the stuff made me hyper and take all kinds of risks - but didn't make me eat any more or really help my emet), but I've never had a boyfriend and to be honest, my self esteem is so low I don't see how I could ever be likeable to anyone....but I don't want to start on that. Anyway, the thought of kissing and the exchange of saliva, etc. is really too much for me.

[kyle1989]

i think its harder in a relationship when the guy has emet, and harder to get one.

[jkl81]

Wow I thought this was a dead topic but it has gotten a lot of play... Thanks for everyone's thoughts. Like I say I think my biggest problem is my phobia tends to exaggerate my already reclusive tendencies so its hard to meet people.

[wallflower]

Gah, I've just realised how my post makes it sound like kissing is the ONLY aspect of relationships that matters or is affected by emet. I meant that for me, that would be the biggest problem, and I think you'd be hard pressed to find a successful relationship where physical contact was that restricted. ...Although a headline on the front of one of those old ladies' crossword-y magazines did catch my eye at a supermarket recently: "In love...but we can never kiss!"

[jkl81]

Hey at least you can't spread SVs in saliva. Almost anybody who's moderately sensitive would understand you avoiding physical closeness when one of you is not well, especially v* or d* that's just gross.

[prncesspnk]

unfortunately, i think kyle is right. relationships are definitely no easy
task for an emet, but if it's the guy with the emet, it's definitely much
harder for him to open up to a girl. girls are expected to be the
vulnerable and emotional ones. they're expected to have mini
breakdowns and they're expected to cry. they're expected to have
fears and run to their boyfriend for support and to be held. by society's
standards, it's not supposed to be the other way around. in no way am i
saying i personally believe this, it's just what's socially accepted.

[kyle1989]

Originally Posted by prncesspnk

unfortunately, i think kyle is right. relationships are definitely no easy
task for an emet, but if it's the guy with the emet, it's definitely much
harder for him to open up to a girl. girls are expected to be the
vulnerable and emotional ones. they're expected to have mini
breakdowns and they're expected to cry. they're expected to have
fears and run to their boyfriend for support and to be held. by society's
standards, it's not supposed to be the other way around. in no way am i
saying i personally believe this, it's just what's socially accepted.

i agree, although speaking for my self, i don't really cry or need to run to people, i wouldnt expect support or to be looked after, etc, but i definitely find it hard to open up.

once its passed the stage of getting to know you, i'd be fine opening up, but before that stage, emet has helped made me a bit introverted.

[grgygrl]

The few people I have told, including my husband, actually make fun of me and it truly hurts my feelings. Relationships are hard anyway and when one has a phobia, it can ,ake things even harder but if the love is there, it can be worked through. I hardly tell anyone anymore as i dont want to be made fun of. [img]smileys/smilies_16.gif[/img]

[kyle1989]

ur friends and loved ones arnt good if they do that.

[jezebel89]

This is so great reading everyone's response! It's nice to know how people have maintained (or have not =/) relationships. I am always into learning from others and their experiences as well as your own.

Personally, I have only told my current boyfriend about my emet. It has only gotten really bad the last year. Before this year, my emet never bothered me. I dated a guy for two years and he never had any idea that there was anything wrong.

[jkl81]

And is your current boyfriend supportive or not so much?

[kommes]

I get nervous enough just asking a girl out for dinner..and when you add the Emet, its a recipe for disaster. Foe me Emet has been the biggest obstacle in having a proper relationship.

[jkl81]

Me too, its depressing. I can totally identify with you.

[wackydeli]

I've never had emet be an obstacle in relationships. If anything, I learned that the people who were completely insensitive about it (like a guy who sent me a picture on my phone of his friend's v* because he knew I was afraid of it) are jerks, and those who understand and try to help you (like my current boyfriend who once waited until I had to go home to v* when he was sick) are good people.

[jezebel89]

Originally Posted by jkl81

And is your current boyfriend supportive or not so much?

Sorry it took so long to reply. What kind of university doesn't provide internet??

My current boyfriend, the only one I've told about my emet, tries to be supportive and says he is... but it's not really that easy.
He doesn't have any sort of phobia so he doesn't understand it at all. Once when he got frustrated with me crying about being scared he told me that my phobia is just an excuse to get attention =/
Things are better since then but it's just like... people really DON'T get it unless they have a phobia.