Questions About Future Motherhood...

[fiendish_thingy]

As my boyfriend and I are discussing my emetophobia in greater detail
now, a few questions have come up... Like what I would do if we had a kid
who was sick and I was the only one around.

Initially, he was worried that I'd pass out or something, leaving the kid
sick and alone. Now he sees that I'd be more prone to just running out of
the room/house weeping. ;P That still leaves the kid unattended and sick
and scared, though.

Thing is, I /remember/ all too vividly what it was like the last time I threw
up. I was a child and I was /terrified/. I want to help my bf and the rest of
my loved ones when they aren't one hundred percent. I feel a duty to do
so - which leads to a lot of frustration and tears at times. I would
desperately want to make sure my kids knew it was going to be okay
(despite my own fears). But what if I can't do that?

Also, the last thing I want to do is pass this down to another generation.
It's hard enough for someone my age to deal with and I remember what
hell it was to grow up with it. And running out of the room crying when
one throws up is just the sort of thing that'd probably scar a kid for life.

So... Am I destined to traumatize my kids with this? Does anyone have
insights on this? Does it get better with age or when one is faced with the
actual situation? Can anyone help me? Or, better yet, is there something I
can do to help myself? Sorry this is so long. I just have to get this out.

[japa]

I'd say to skip down about three sections on this website to the treatments forum. Read all of the sticky posts by sage. Consider intensive treatment before having children.

[fiendish_thingy]

Thanks, japa. I've started to read those posts, actually, and I'm
attempting a little exposure therapy insofar as making myself type out
associated words as well as... working myself up to actually looking at
pictures. I just couldn't make myself look at the linked videos last night,
though, and I don't know how long it'll be before I can do so.

I just wasn't sure if anyone had any further insights, as I'm /very/
interested in hearing them. I'm also seeking out related posts in the other
threads.

[dreamer]

First and foremost: never underestimate the maternal instinct! I have two sons and if they're sick and I'm alone with them, I manage to deal with it. Don't get me wrong, I HATE every minute of it, but they're my babies and they need me.


One thing I've noticed is that although I have a 24/7 dread of them being ill, when it actually happens, I cope with it. The anticipation is much, much worse.


If your kids see you freaking out, they'll see v*ing as something to freak out about. If you can possibly hide your fear, you won't pass it on. My two just do it when they need to, and they're fine. I wait till they're out of sight, then have my usual panic attack!


Good luck


Fiona

[fiendish_thingy]

Thank you, Fione. That really does comfort me. Although I'm going to
seek therapy (again) - though possibly more /self/-therapy - it comes as
a comfort that I might be able to overcome this naturally, via my natural
instincts. I say 'overcome', though I know that just because I can tend to
my sick loved ones (/when/ I'm fully able, that is), it doesn't mean that
I'm 'cured'.

Your experiences are both enlightening and inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
[img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

[peach]

hi hunni


like dreamer was saying, your maternal instinct does kick in. whenever my kids have v*, i just have to kinda brace myself, open all the windows, grit my teeth and just get on with it. if you start feeling all panicky, move your child away from the area of vomit, and take 5 mins to just stand at the window and breath in the fresh air, remind yurself you are nearly done, and you are not going to v*. then go back, clean it up as best and as quickly as you can, and then just try and relax afterwards. just don't let the child see you getting panicky - tell them to calm down, its all ok.


i know it sounds like its easy, but i also have the mother of all panick attacks afterwards!! but im coping - my kids need me, regardless of my phobia, and i need to help them. your maternal instinct really does kick in more than you know!


i hope you dont let your phobia put you off having kids.

[lgood22573]

I have been emet for 30 years. I NEVER thought I would be able to do
this. But just last weekend I HELD my daughter while she v* and cleaned
up the mess. My deep down mother instinct just took over and I did what
I had to do. That is not always the case, some people can't do that. I
think it depends on how bad your emet is. Children do get sick and v* on
a somewhat regular basis.

[lgood22573]

Let me add the first time my child v*, I completely freaked out, I was
completely alone in the middle of the night and hubby was out of town.
After it happens a few times you become desensitized to it (or at least I
have). Don't get me wrong, it still makes my heart race and I panic, but I
can be there for her and comfort her even while the inside I am freaking
out!

[s_snow]

Hi!


I also want to have kids in future, and I think that I will have it, besides of my fear.


You can always have someone near- neighbour, mother in law, your mother- you can ask them for help when kid is sick.


If you watch out what he eat, he wont be sick, why will be sick?


And about SV, well give him more vitamines and try to think the best.


You should have kids why not

[kate1966]

Well, everyone has done such a terrific job answering your questions here that i don't even need to respond...but especially Fiona's response hit the nail on the head here....you just do it....being a mother is the most precious gift...and you will overcome in your kids life's...sick or not...you just do. And I have been an emet most of my whole life, and i will be 40 in July.....and i have to say it has gotten easier for me, i don't know why...my kids are almost 16 and 12...and considering they haven't been sick in quite a few years may have something to do with it...but i can tell you they are not emets at all...now my youngest one does not like to see it, but he still makes fun of it all the time.....so i know he's ok. Best wishes dear, you will be a phenominal mother.[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[kristi425]

I have the same issues. My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage in our future, and yet there is only one thing hindering that currently- the fact that he wants children and because of my emetophobia, I don't. he has seen me panic and have attacks before about going into bathrooms I'm not comfortable in (on new years eve a kid got drunk and was sick in there for most of the evening, until he later passed out in a bedroom. the house I was at only had one bathroom, most people were much too wasted to drive anywhere, and I had a UTI and needed to pee badly but couldn't go in that bathroom no matter how or who said they're clean it. I completely flipped out). He thinks that if we were to have children and for some reason they were to get sick,I would have to leave. And because kids get sick a lot, I probably wouldn't be a very involved parent or around in much of their lives. Not the least of which, assuming my husband would have a job, him always taking time off of work instead of us dividing it up would be difficult as well. And his fears are accurate. At this point in my life, I don't think I would be able to handle a child if they were to get sick. I've been in the situation babysitting before and I paniced. I had to call my parents to do it for me, and I could never go in the room it happened in again, much less go anywhere near the child.


I would definately suggest some sort of treatment before having children. I would also recommend before having children of your own, try taking care of other people's kids (if you have a brother or sister with kids, try watching them for a weekend or something).


If you do have kids, always remember that you will have support (hopefully). I know that there were times when we were little kids and we got sick that my grandmother came over to care for us when mom had work or meetings to go to. Or there were times when the whole family was sick and we'd have the neighbor coming over to take care of us. Also- whoever your partner is, they should be supportive as well. If the kids get sick in the middle of the night, it shouldn't always be you going to deal with it...he needs to help out too especially if he knows about your phobia.


Ultimately, follow your heart and don't doubt yourself. Kids are probably wonderful to have and relative in comparison, there will be so many more times than not where the kids won't get sick and you can enjoy your time with them.

[kate1966]

The only thing i have to say about that is this.....and this is just my opinion.....when it's your kids...it's different...it's easier to walk away from someone else's kids....but when they are your own........we just have to be there for them..i know alot of people may not agree with me, but it's just my opinion. I know it's alot harder for some people to deal with even if it's their own kid....i have had my own times with my own kids that i felt i could not be there for them...but i still did it...except on one occasion...i let my husband do it....but all the other times, and there have been many...they are almost 16 and 12 now...i was always the one with them.


I just don't want people to be discouraged from having kids b/c of emet...granted...if yours is that severe, then maybe you should think twice about it. However....kids...what can i say...there is nothing else in this world like them I cannot imagine my life without mine....anyway that's all, just think long and hard about it before you decide yes or no to kids.

[japa]

Well, the thing is that now that we have a website, we know the phobia has a name, that there are others with it, and that there are successful ways to get treated, we have a whole new level of information that was absolutely not available to us prior to the internet.


So, what do we do that is productive with all of this information? In the past, it was a matter of having kids and hoping that the maternal instinct kicks in. Women and men thinking about being parents and who are emetophobic now are armed with enough information that they can obtain treatment before having kids.


It's great to decide not to let the phobia get in the way of having kids. One way to do this is to seek treatment. It's more certain than having the kids, crossing your fingers, and hoping that an instinct takes over when they are sick.What if it doesn't? Well, if youget treatment, you don't have to deal with the "what if."

[lyndsayanne]

in answer to japas post i have yoo say yes there are many treatments out ther and they work for some but not all i have tried most of the varioys treatments and yes they helped but i am in no means cured of my phobia.


As this sight points out there r many many people in there30-40 that r still dealing with their phobia and have been through their childrens years with this phobia


I agree that the maternal instinct does take over and make you able to deal with things better my youngest spent 9 weeks in hospital and at the time i dealt with it well


so there is hope for everyone

[japa]

Right, there are people in their thirties and forties, and have been through their children's years etc. That's my point. Only recently has the internet become available to teach people what this phobia is. When was this website put up anyway? So people used to have no idea that others had the phobia. Now the internet provides them with news that there is other people and ways to be cured.


If a person is 18, or in their 20's, even late 20's to early thirties, there is plenty of time to do exposure therapy and work toward a cure, so that things will be easier for you when you have kids. I do believe that if people work at exposure therapy for several years, then they can be cured. I believe this because sage always posts about it, and she's just another human being with the phobia like everyone else here, not some kind of special goddess. So if she can go through exposure therapy and be cured, so can the rest of us.

Originally Posted by lyndsayanne

in answer to japas post i have yoo say yes there are many treatments out ther and they work for some but not all i have tried most of the varioys treatments and yes they helped but i am in no means cured of my phobia.


As this sight points out there r many many people in there30-40 that r still dealing with their phobia and have been through their childrens years with this phobia


I agree that the maternal instinct does take over and make you able to deal with things better my youngest spent 9 weeks in hospital and at the time i dealt with it well


so there is hope for everyone

[japa]

Originally Posted by japa

Right, there are people in their thirties and forties, and have been through their children's years etc. That's my point. Only recently has the internet become available to teach people what this phobia is. When was this website put up anyway? So people used to have no idea that others had the phobia. Now the internet provides them with news that there is other people and ways to be cured.


If a person is 18, or in their 20's, even late 20's to early thirties, there is plenty of time to do exposure therapy and work toward a cure, so that things will be easier for you when you have kids. I do believe that if people work at exposure therapy for several years, then they can be cured. I believe this because sage always posts about it, and she's just another human being with the phobia like everyone else here, not some kind of special goddess. So if she can go through exposure therapy and be cured, so can the rest of us.

[crimgoddess]

Just to reiterate what Japa said- and when you are in treatment, you do have to dedicate yourself to it 100% and really work at it. It's not really something you can only make half an effort at and expect it to work, or to quit after a short period of time because you haven't seen any immediate results. You may even have to go to a few mental health professionals before you find someone who you are comfortable with and who fully understands what this phobia is and how to treat it. It may take years of hard work, and it's definitely not easy- but in the end will it not be worth it? I would rather dedicate a few years of my life towards beating this phobia instead of allowing myself to live the rest of my life with it.


AS Japa mentioned, why "just deal with it" when there is a possibility that you can make it a non-issue?


*amber*

[lyndsayanne]

i have to also add that yes i have been under psychiatrists for years and that i also spent 8 weeks in a psyciatric ward after a breakdown to try and "cure" my phobia and i was 100% commited as i did not want carry on at that time feeling like this all i am trying to say is that it does not work for everyone i have also tried hypnotherapy which did help in the short term.


you also mention it has worked for sage but we are all different i did exposure therapy for more than four years and still do not think it helped


lyndsayanne

[japa]

It's true as you said, we're all different. Also, no cure for anything has a 100% success rate. So, I will acknowledge that people may try to be cured and not have it work. However, maybe I'm an idealist or an optimist or something of that sort because I like to think that the chances of a cure occurring would be greater than not. Therefore, I would think that trying very sincerely is always worth it.

Originally Posted by lyndsayanne

i have to also add that yes i have been under psychiatrists for years and that i also spent 8 weeks in a psyciatric ward after a breakdown to try and "cure" my phobia and i was 100% commited as i did not want carry on at that time feeling like this all i am trying to say is that it does not work for everyone i have also tried hypnotherapy which did help in the short term.


you also mention it has worked for sage but we are all different i did exposure therapy for more than four years and still do not think it helped


lyndsayanne

[lyndsayanne]

yes i do agree that too try is always worth it i would give anything not to feel the way i do but nothing that i have tried so far has given me long term reilef i did give 100% to all the things i have tried (i even payed privatly for most of it cos of the 10 month waiting list just for the consultation) you have a very positive outlook maybe that was my problem i was still recovering from a breakdown when i began therapy


i hope that it works for you


lyndsayanne


PLEASE EXCUSE THE SPELLING

[nyxy]

Originally Posted by dreamer

First and foremost: never underestimate the maternal instinct! I have two sons and if they're sick and I'm alone with them, I manage to deal with it. Don't get me wrong, I HATE every minute of it, but they're my babies and they need me.


One thing I've noticed is that although I have a 24/7 dread of them being ill, when it actually happens, I cope with it. The anticipation is much, much worse.


If your kids see you freaking out, they'll see v*ing as something to freak out about. If you can possibly hide your fear, you won't pass it on. My two just do it when they need to, and they're fine. I wait till they're out of sight, then have my usual panic attack!


Good luck


Fiona

Hear hear. I have 2 kids, and have had to deal with them v*. I just tell myself that, with all my precautions, there is no way I could get ill. Wear a mask, open windows, use antibacterial handwash, and quarrantine. If you can be calm and kind, and explain to them that you are just doing this so that you wont get sick yourself - you need to be well to look after them - they wont "catch" the phobia.


Maternal instinct is a wonderful thing, kinda makes us superheros [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

[newkid]

I'm married and desperately want to have kids someday. It makes me feel better to know that the maternal instinct usually kicks in and you are able to care for your children, but I'm also worried about catching whatever the kids might have. What type of precautions do you take so you don't get sick and do they work?

[suze]

They always seem to work for me, bleach and disinfect everything, make sure they use paper towels to wipe hands and face. Isolate them in one or two rooms if possible, get some spray disinfectant and spray like hell! Keep your own hands and the kids' washed frequently, using anti-bac gel too, and don't touch your face! I also hold my breath when they v*!!


Good luck! I have become desensitized to some extent. IT's never easy but bearable!