The whole day today, its just been arguments, i've been crying on and off the whole day and i just feel so upset. I used to be a christian, and used to pray and ask god for help, look to him when i felt down and had faith in him, but when things got really hard it seemed to have killed my faith and i became worse. I just can't see happiness anymore, i want to get my faith back, but im finding it hard, i sometimes think, why won't he help me though the pain and save me from it, i honestly can't take being depressed anymore, i can't seem to stop hitting myself, i punched my stomach so hard earlier, i heaved and my mum shouted "don't you dare v* on the floor!!", when i couldn't even move. I just feel how much more do we have to go through, i got all my medication out and put it in a bag, i wrote a suicide letter and was going to go away and take them all, but i just broke down half way out, i understand other people have hard lives and i feel for them and i know im not the only one with problems, it all started on my 6th birthday, my dad got a knife out on my mum, after that they constantly argued and my dad would hit her and we where to small to help, my brother got raped at 14 and then became heavily addicted to drugs, then became really violent and used to beat us all up. My dad drinks all the time now which is making him violent, my mum is to scared to say anything and just goes out with her mate, and i just feel as if im left.

I lost so much confidence in middle school, i used to get bullied all the time for having an overbite and i used to run home scared of being beaten up, and then when bullies did get me, they would hit me with sticks and throw things, why do people have to be so sick, i only recently told my mum and dad about these two boys who i thought were my friends, used to hit me and try touch me, one of them i had to see everyday at school used to slap me in the face and tell me to swear as i don't, and once locked me in is house and keot hitting me and trying to touch me, i was so scared to say anthing as he said he would hurt me if i did, in the end i kicked him off and stood up for myself and said if he touched me again or came anywhere near me i would ring the police, after that i didn't speak to him again, i got bullied in secondry school aswell, people in year 11 used to wait for me near my house and come and try push me off my bike, in the end i refused to go to school, then my dad used to hit me and drag me down the stairs, i also got locked outside the house when i didn't go and got told not to come back untill 3 when school finsihed, so i used to go down the shop and buy a pad and pen and just draw, untill my mum would then say i could come home. I understand they must have been confused themselves and didn't know what to do.

I got told i could go college, which i did, i liked it there, thats when things got worse at home again, there was fights everyday, the police where always round. My brother was taking cannibis everyday, he also took ketamine and ecstasy(sp). I used to sit in my lounge all day and hide in my covers and just watch tv, thats when my eating went down to 6 bits of toast and about 6 biscuits a day, thats all i would eat, but it kept me going, then my ibs became a problem and i had stomach problems everyday, the doctor said i wasn't enough, but i though it was enough to keep me going. after that things were the same, untill then last year my eating became worse, to the point i ate the only the biscuits, i then got taken into hospital as my heart started giving up. Now im here, things still seem to be on the downside. I just want help, i've asked god, i don't know where to turn. I do have some close friends, but i think they don't undertand me anymore. I don't have anyone to turn to, i just need to get away from everyone, sorry for the whole story, i hope i don't sound selfish or anything, as im not trying to be.
Edited by: xroofusx