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  1. #1
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    I have never told anyone besides my old therapist about this fear...This fear far exceeds my emet in every way. I am so afraid that I won't be a good mom. I am afraid that I will loose my patience with my kids and be terrible. I am basically afraid that I won't be able to cut it. I am so afraid that I will screw them up emotionally...just afraid of the whole thing, yet I want children so bad. I worry because other people's kids bug the crap out of me most of the time. I am not sure if this has a lot to do with it or not, but my father was pretty abusive when I was little, he is a much different person now and doesn't drink like he used to. When I was little he would get me with a thick leather belt on my back and butt when I screwed up. He was always so stressed out when he got home from work that any little thing that my brother or I did would send him over the edge. My memories of him are him sitting with a drink after work spacing off (I know that he was depressed as well.) I would be bothering him to play with me and he would just yell "let me relax!!" or "Leave me alone." He never took an active interest in me or my life until I started playing golf (his favorite sport.) I am not trying to drag up the past or play the "poor me" role, but I think that this may have something to do with my fear of failure as a parent. I also got pregnant when I was 14 and had an abortion (not proud of this part of my life, but please don't judge me.) Were other mothers here afraid of not being a good parent??? I just read the other post about the lady yelling at her kids like that and then playing the "perfect mom" in public. I don't want to do that!! I am so afraid that I will be just like my dad was to me... Sorry, I really spilled my guts on this one, but the post brought up something in me that I am so afraid of...I would rather puke a thousand times than be a terrible mother....
    We have got to be able to laugh at ourselves about this!!

  2. #2
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    Let me tell you something, my dad's father was very physically abusive and an alcoholic. My dad was also in a family with 10 other siblings. HIs father would get drunk and then come home and beat him and he brothers and sisters. For the most part he never hit me, maybe a few times, but not regularly. As far as I know he is VERY different from his father (I never got to meet him so I don't know) my dad is a very good dad (When it comes to my sisters not me) he gets them just about anything they want and encourages them to do the best they can, and helps pay for their college tuition. He's never been very nice to me, but I can see that with them he's a great father.


    I also know that all the things that you don't like about your dad (or didn't) will remind you never to do them. Just because your father was like that, it doesn't mean you will be. I have my fears about having my kids to, as I get upset with them very easily. BUt I told my therapist this, "Having kids is like having a cough, when someone around you is coughing it's annoying and you want to get away, when YOU have a cough it's annoying but you can live with it and you don't have it all the time" Sorry I'm not much help but I don't think you will turn out as a bad mom, you fear it so much that you will try as hard as you can to be good.


    ~Monica
    David Duchovny I want you to love me
    To kiss and to hug me, debrief and debug me
    David Duchovny I know you could love me
    I\'m sweet and I\'m cuddly-I\'m gonna kill Scully!

  3. #3
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    I am sorry you are feeling like this. I know this is something which worries me every day. I am always questioning myself and thinking I am doing things wrong with my children. If I tell them off I feel guilty. After I had my son, I was very emotional and felt like the worst mum in the world as I no longer could spend all my time with my daughter. I was less patient and more snappy. My confidence has always been very low. I love my children so much, but still feel like a bad mum. My husband laughs at me and reassures me that I am doing fine, but still every day I question myself.


    I know how bad you must feel and I really wish I could say more to help you. I did not have the same problems as you had with your dad, but I never quite made my dad proud of me. I was always so shy and timid. This used to make him cross with me as I always shied away from situations. My sister was always in favour with him as she was bubbly and outgoing. My mum was always very loving and caring though. My daughter often tells me I am just like my mum and this makes me feel very happy. If I could be half as good mum as mine is then I would have no worries.


    When I think about how lovely my children are, then I suppose I must be doing something right. I just don't have the confidence to see it. My children are happy and polite children. My daughter is a bit bossy and my son is extra mischevious, but I would not have them any other way.


    I am sure you would be a great mum. We all make mistakes, but we all learn from our mistakes and use these experinces to help us in the future. I hope you manage to fight this fear as children do bring so much happiness.



  4. #4
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    You know Silver, I know what you mean. I can remember sitting on the couch thinking there is no way I would have kids because I would be too afraid they would turn out like how my mom was to me, that I would do the same to them. I still am not sure about kids, but I would be real scared I would somehow do something (like say get freaked if they are sick) and it would scar them for life and they would be afraid of lots of things like I was. BUT, you know, you can see how your parents treated you, and just try your best to not do those things. No parent is perfect, but you can do your best to be the best one that you know how. I bet you would surprise yourself and be a great mother.

  5. #5
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    I think every woman has that fear. You really don't know what kind of mother you are going to be until it happens. I am a pretty impatient person and I was so afraid I would get impatient with my kids, and yell at them all the time. But, I wanted kids so bad I just told myself that it was something I need to work on, to make sure I don't end up that way. I know it's only been 2 months since I've been a mom, but I have never lsot my patience with her yet and she has been a pretty difficult baby. She has acid reflux so she is up all day, no naps, cries all the time, but never once have I even felt like losing it. I guess being a mom really made me change my whole outlook on what is important. The fact that I don't get to do anything I want to (like unpacking boxes since we just moved or eating ) doesn't really bother me. It's all about my baby and being with her, seeing her smile.


    I'm sure one day it will happen, but I just remember that everyone loses they're patience sometime. What really matters is realizing that you did and apologizing and trying not to do it again. My dad had a really short temper when I was growing up, but every single time he would apologize and try to make it right. On the other hand, my mom rarely lost her temper, but when she did she would never apologize, never take the blame. She would jsut ignore the fact it ever happened. I had a much better relationship with my dad than my mom because of it.


    And don't think you will feel the same about your kids as you do about other people's kids. You will never feel the same for other people's kids as you do for your own. There is a love there for your own kids that doesn't exist for other kids. Not even for nieces, nephews, cousins, whoever. Your kids are different. They are yours. You created them. You love them more than anything.


    I'm sure you will be a great mom simply because you have thought about these things and care enough to worry about them. That right there shows just how caring and thoughful of a mom you will be.

  6. #6
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    That is really sweet sillygirl. I tend to think there is no way I could have kids because I mean while I love my little niece to pieces, one day with her is plenty. Sometimes while babysitting her I think "there is no way I could do this every day I would go nuts", and I fear because I feel like this I couldnt ever be a good mom. It helps that you say that with your own kids its different. I hope your little cutie feels better with her acid reflux. Is that something that goes away as the baby gets older (like say colic)?

  7. #7
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    That is odd. I was just thinking that today. That I would not be a good mother. WIll I be able to hack it? You can't just give up and take the baby somewhere. People can annoy me so quickly, will my baby? The thought of being a bad parent and having morning sickness just about pushes me over the edge. My mom and dad were divorced when I was young. My dad stayed in hotels and my my left me when I was 12 years old. I stayed at my grandmothers house but she was never there. She stayed in her other house in another county. I wonder if I too will abondon my kid/kids. There are so many doubts. I do not want them to turn our like my druggie drunk uncles.Oh the endless thoughts........

  8. #8
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    Thank you guys...Galadriel...I know what you mean about neices and nefews. I also love my little nefew more than anything (he is 18 months old). When I am watching him I am so uptight that I will do something wrong or turn my head for 5 seconds that I am constantly running after him and chasing him. I am so physically exhausted when he leaves that I wonder how I will possibley be able to do it everyday.


    The other thing is that I am such a stress case as it is that I worry about having kiddos throwing me over the edge everyday.


    Silly Girl...Thank you so much for your kind words and help, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you also Monica, Curly Wurly, and Taffy, I don't know what I would do without all of you guys!! Thank you for your kind words and sharing your experiences too.


    ALRIGHT....I think that I am worrying so much about this because I am two days late on my period...I am usually like clock work with it. I am so scared right now. I am planning on taking a home pregnancy test tonight...
    We have got to be able to laugh at ourselves about this!!

  9. #9
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    I totally have the same fear! Last night when I was in the ER and they took my urine sample (yum I know, sorry) the first thing they did was a pregnancy test, and the mere thought of that almost made me v*. I was so terrified of it being positive, and also so terrified of it being negative. (it was negative). But it's something I lie awake at night, thinking about. What if I have morning sickness during pregnancy? What if my child someday has a sv* (which obviously will happen at some point)? And then on the flip side, I am terrified that I will not be a good mother. I really don't have a lot of patience (something my husband thankfully has a lot of) and I just... I don't know, I love kids so much and want them so much, but I can't tell you how many times I've just suddenly burst into tears and sniffled to my husband how I am afraid I won't be a good mother, just out of the blue. It's something I want so badly, but at the same time, I feel almost guilty that I think I won't be good at it. It's so great to see that someone else has that fear. I just... I don't know, I have always wanted to be a mommy, but it's something that has always terrified me too... thank you so much for sharing your feelings, silver.
    \"A life without love is no life at all.\"

  10. #10
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    I wouldn't be surprised if feeling like this is more common than we think it is. I think we remember our own experiences being raised by possibly abusive parent (s), and get terrified of repeating the process, or of simply losing it. Silver I know what you mean when you said you are already stressed, fearing kids would push you over the edge. I get afraid that it would be too much and I know with your own children its not like you can deposit them somewhere, they are YOURS, and man that is a huge responsibility, and you have to care for them 24/7. That scares the tar outta me!

  11. #11
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    I go through phases: some days I just want to be a mother so badly that I literally ache inside. Other days, I am petrified at the thought of being somebody's mother. I'm so afraid that I will screw up my kids, like my parents screwed up me.


    I tell my husband my fears often, and he has faith that I will be okay someday. It is good that he doesn't think I'm going to be messed up for life.


    The other day, when my niece was in the hospital, I felt so helpless. My heart just broke seeing her there, not knowing what was happening: just that she was sick and couldn't go home. I just wanted to give my arm and leg, just to make her feel better! If I feel this way about my niece, I can imagine the love would be tenfold for my own child. My fears literally disappeared, and all I could think about was cheering her up.


    My nephew, who's almost one, was there yesterday. He was very fussy and cried a lot. But instead of getting angry, I felt compassion. Poor kid also had no idea what was going on, and I'm sure he could sense his mother and sister were upset. I also just wanted to make him feel better. No annoyance or frustration at all! So, maybe this is a very good sign that I will be a decent mother, despite my mental illnesses. I am going to keep the faith, too. [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

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  12. #12
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    I think every woman has the same fear. I'm the same way-no patience and sometimes kids (especially fresh ones) would really irritate me-but it's different when you have your own. There is a love you have for them like no love you've ever known before ! My grandparents were abusive to my parents and mine never abused me. I think sometimes when you have that awareness, you know what NOT to do with your own children. And about being an emet. mom, it is really hard sometimes I'm not gonna lie to ya. Sometimes I want to just flee! But I can't. So, I do the best I can. And thanks to this website and alot of caring emet. moms[img]smileys/smilies_46.gif[/img], I know not to beat myself up over this phobia and focus on all the great things I do as a mom. I think that people like us actually become better moms because we recognize our weaknesses and take action in being better parents and people.
    \"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans\"-John Lennon

  13. #13
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    Just wanted to let you know that i sooooo understand what you are going through right now. I was also witnessed to and abused myself by my father as well so i have very little pateince with a lot of things.. hell even i feel like phsyically harming my husband sometimes and i know its not right but what can i do? i was never shown any kind of love from my father and worst part of all is that he denies that he ever hurt my mother and i to this day and it kills me because it has made me this way. Violence and cold heartedness i know.. love and caring and cuddling and pateince i dont so well and this is why i cant have kids right now either.. not only the emet but the fact that i could possibly hurt them or something could snap scares me most of all..


    though i dont have any words of advice i just wanted to let u know your not alone


    Hugs


    \"Dance like no one is watching, Love like you will never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening, Live like heaven on earth!\" Mark Twain

  14. #14
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    I have a couple of thoughts here that may just come out as questions.


    First, does every woman fear being a bad mother? Or only certain kinds of women? Is one of these certain kinds of women an emetophobic woman?


    The reason that I ask this set of questions is because I have noticed from reading posts for a while a good deal of anxiety surrounding motherhood among emet women. I wonder if motherhood anxiety bears some relationship to our phobia. I read posts in which people worry over whether they are good enough moms because they can't be there for their kids when they're sick. I read posts about how people aren't sure if they should even have kids because of their phobia and so on.


    My other question is more directed at silver specifically. I am wondering what are the reasons that you give yourself for wanting to have kids? I don't see that you addressed that in your initial post.

  15. #15
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    Japa-


    First of all, I am sure that it has something to do with the emet why many here feel that they are bad mothers. Second of all, I have many reasons for wanting children...strongest being the biological clock!! I enjoy having someone to love, someone to look after, and yes, even the responsibility of having children. I think that having children gives your life a more meaningful deeper sense of purpose, someone to watch grow, I want to be able to give them all of the things that I can possibily give of myself, I want to do things with them that my parents weren't able to do with me because they were always working and stressed. To tell you the truth, I can't really imagine my life without having children some day, I think that I would really be missing out on a wonderful part of life if I chose not to have kids.


    Yes, this phobia makes me wonder from time to time, but I read from the other women here that are mothers and see what amazing mothers they are even with this phobia. I know like all of the mothers here, I will be able to deal with it when the time comes that they get sick.
    We have got to be able to laugh at ourselves about this!!

  16. #16
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    Yup, that biological clock will get ya! When I was 18 or so, I thought I "hated" kids and never wanted them. Then I met my husband a few years later and even before we were married, I knew I wanted to have his babies someday. Funny thing about that love, marriage, and baby carriage thing...[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

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  17. #17
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    Well, this is just my little piece of the story....i am 40 yrs old...i have 2 sons, ages 16 and 12....i was emet before i had them, but it did not stop me from wanting kids really bad. I have always loved babies, and was ready to have my own. I still was scared about being an emet, and being a mom, but i didn't let it stop me at all. Having kids of your own changes you in many ways. I did not come from an abusive home, so i can't relate to that part of the question.....but i do know that we all have the strength inside us to love our children, and be good parents. My husband, was verbally abused badly when he was little, and he ended up trying to do the same with our boys....BUT it has taken many many years of therapy to get him to understand what he is doing to his children. I think that abuse effects people differently, and it all depends on the person that is being abused in how they will deal with it in their adult life. I really hope that you can find some peace about this subject, and go on to have kids one day. They will bring you to tears with the love you have for them...and i have to say, that even though you love and adore your neices and nephews, there is nothing in the world greater than your own kids. It's a love like no other, and i have to say, i would give my life for my boys. They are my heart and soul, and to watch them grow everyday is a true blessing.
    Kate
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