My life long struggle.

[Emjay]

Hello everyone out there in internet land. My name is Emjay and I am 21 years old. I have Emetophobia which in turn has given me Panic Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, Headaches, Muscle Pain, Hypochandria, Anorexia, Self-Mutilation Disorder, OCD and many other bits and pieces that Anxiety has given me. I do not drink. I do not eat foods with msg or lactose.

For my entire life for as long as I can remember, I have been afraid to watch others "get sick", as well as myself "get sick". It was never as bad as it is now. But it was more rational. Who wants to "get sick"? It isnt a pleasent thing to do or to see and knowing that I have Emet makes me laugh sometimes at myself for being so ridiculously irrational. When I was 16 I was diagnosed with depression and put on Celexa and Clonazepam for Anxiety. It worked When I was 20, I stopped the medication because I felt like I had control of my life. I was off the medication for 3 weeks when the withdrawl symptoms started to really bug me. I took a pill again to get it back in my blood stream to stop the shakes and the brain zaps that ssri's leave you with after stopping. Later that night, I "got sick" for the first time in 12 years. Before it happend I had the biggest panic attack of my life. Immidiately after it happened I felt fine. I said to myself, "wow, that wasn't so bad. what was I so scared of? I didn't die. I am not hurt. I am not dying. I can breathe. I feel better." After that I stopped the medication in full and a few months passed. I found myself not eating as much as I used to and I started to feel nauseous all the time from not eating. I would have one piece of bread in a matter of days and my stomach was eating itself. I lost 10 pounds bringing me to a weight of 119lbs. I was no healthy. Then I found myself binge eating. Going to the store and eating nothing but garbage. Chocolate, chips, candy, cookies, pop. Then I would feel sick again. The panic attacks always happen when I feel nauseous. But then they started happening at times where I was okay, like on the train, in class at my university, while i was at friends' houses, at the bar with my friends and at my parents' house. No one can understand my panic attacks and they think I am over eggagerating the situation, which I am, but I can't control it.

I then went to my doctor and said I would try anything and everything. He gave me zoloft as well as clonazapam. I took the zoloft for 3 weeks. He doubled the dose and I took it for a week when I started to expierence bad heartburn. I then "got sick" on 2 seperate occasions in a matter of a week. After being exposed to it, it wasn;t as bad. Honestley. But now that I am off medication again, my habits are starting to come back. I am starting to not eat again, and then binge eating. I have one cut on my thigh that I did to myself because it releases so much for me. I would never kill myself, lets get that straight. I am so scared of treatment because being exposed to it is the scariest thing and being on medication that could make me "get sick" is a viscous cycle.

I am supposed to start Welbutrin along with Clonazepam. I'm scared of the side effects.

I am here to give support to those who are not as far along as I am. I am open to suggestions, comments, random talk about anything in the world. I am great at giving advice, not so good at taking my own advice however.
Thank you for taking the time to read the little bit of my story.

Emjay

[olschesky]

i for one have stayed on my meds, prozac and valium (only 2 mg a day) for years......i figure if it helps me cope with this irrational fear, why not? i know some people on here don't believe in taking meds for it.......i say "whatever works". i'm able to work everyday, eat healthy everyday and lead a pretty normal life......i do have anxiety attacks.....don't get me wrong.......but they are manageable now.......

hope you get what you need

[Thefloyd12]

I just tried prozac and it just made me worse. I also have Xanax which I'm afraid to try