So it's been a few months or so since I've been on this site (forgive me). Of course, as some illnesses tend to not be as prevalent during the spring & summer months, I tend to calm down just a little bit. That does not mean I put my guard down at all - I still religiously wash my hands, go through bottles of hand sanitizer and disinfect things.

Like I've said before, I have had an overwhelming fear of v* for as long as I can remember. I tell people I'd rather gouge my eyes with a butter knife. I don't want to say how many years it has been at the rik of jinxing myself. When my husband got a sv* in February, I left my apartment because I could not be with him while he was sick. After I came home I disinfected everything he touched for 3 days. It makes me feel SO horrible that I could not even take care of him when he needs me to because I can't be around v*.

I am still taking Mirtazapine (which I discovered by reading about it on this site) which I started in March. Recently my dose was increased to 30mg per day. It has definitely helped with my chronic n* but I still get it a few times a week. Because I have IBS, I suffer from n* and d* fairly often.

The law firm I was working for recently dissolved and I am now working with my boss for his solo practice. Which is kind of good because now we are in a much smaller space (less people = less germs) and I am in charge of cleaning/disinfecting. I have also started dancing again, which makes me slightly nervous because of all the children that are in and out of the studio.

I am already hearing of people who are sick with various "bugs". I am so not ready for this!

After joining this site earlier this year, it was such a tremendous help for me to just verbalize my fears and have people who understand and not think I am crazy (like my husband sometimes does). He does not understand my phobia. He can just v* and get on with his life. I know that I am friends with some of you on Facebook, but I try to keep my rants over my phobias and anxiety off FB so as not to have to explain it to my non-emet friends.

Of course, I suffer from anxiety (which I think many mets do) and I also tend to be a hypochondriac.

Anyway, now that we are heading into fall and winter, I already feel myself starting to get more anxious about getting sick. I know what I have to do, but still... It doesn't make me feel much better.

Even now I am watching 'Rehab with Dr. Drew' on VH1 and people are v* because of the drugs/withdrawal and my heart is starting to race. I try to look away if I anticipate it going to happen.

I hope everyone has been well these last few months.