Having a rough night

[LittleFlo]

Having a rough night

Sorry this is long but I just need to type out what's going on in my head or I'm going to explode.

I've had a bad week this week - been fine in the day but at night I've been getting flashbacks of when IT last happened (not much over a year ago). Literally I have been laid in bed shaking and crying because of such vivid recollections that refuse to leave my mind.

Well tonight wasn't the best. I had some family round and my cousin who's recently had a kidney infection she was s* with (ironically this was the last thing I was s* with too) was telling me in graphic detail all about it. Not only that, she's just come back from Ibiza and was talking about how she was s* from alcohol.

The worst bit is we had a BBQ tonight. I was really brave and ate quite a bit of meat - tasted fab and I know it was cooked, as my dad is a very trusted cook... But now as I lay in bed I'm thinking about all the flashbacks I've this week, plus what my cousin was saying, and now the fear we're all going to get FP from this BBQ... I can't sleep because all I bloody think about is v*. I am SO FED UP WITH IT AND I WANT TO SCREAM.

I look back over my week and all I remember is the things that reminded me of v* - for instance I had to do some training about food hygiene for work, and also yesterday I was at a wedding where someone was really drunk and I feared she would v*.

Sorry to go on and on and on about all these occasions involving actual v* or thoughts of v* but this is my mind and it just won't stop. I'm in tears from pure frustration.

The future looks so bleak. When it gets to Norovirus season, I want to lock myself indoors and not eat for the whole if winter if I could.

I would do anything to get better, I mean anything. I'm afraid to do so much - I'm afraid to travel, have kids, do so many life-affirming things because of this rotten phobia.

If anyone is out there tonight I really could do with a little chat. I feel like I am going crazy.

[Awoodruf2015]

Try and remember that there is so much more to life than v*. Don't let the fear be bigger than you. Though I know how hard it is to do so when you're in the midst of a panic attack...

[LittleFlo]

I really wish my fear was in some measure of proportion - as in, I only get scared if I just see v* for example. But now everything reminds me of it! I'm going to the doctor this week to try and get to see the psychiatrist. I saw one when I was 15 but that was 7 years ago and since all this hype over Noro I am at the worst I've been since a teen.

The bizarre thing is the last time I v* (about a year ago from a kidney infection) I remember thinking it wasn't that bad. I mean, it wasn't pleasant but I remember the build-up and nausea being far worse. The v* actually relieved the n*. But still I have this obsession in my mind of v* being traumatic and a sign of something being very wrong and wildly out of control.

[Awoodruf2015]

I know how you feel... To a point, v* is a sign that something is wrong. But, it is also a natural reflex of our bodies- just like going to the bathroom (albeit much less pleasant). I still try hard to remember that, if I do end up v*ing (or seeing someone v*), it will only be for a little while. It will pass eventually. Life is about much more than being s* or seeing others s*, although it seems differently in the moment. Deep breaths.

[LittleFlo]

Thank you for your reply. Yeah my family often say to me that it's a natural reflex. I guess it's very true... Though I think my
phobia stems from associating it with major illness (my brother nearly died of meningitis and septecemia when he was a baby and obviously one of the symptoms is v*).

Yes I too try to remember that it's a momentary thing - and it really is. It's over very quickly, though still very unpleasant. I always feel ashamed when I v* like I don't want anyone to see me - yet ironically need the comfort of someone else!

[Awoodruf2015]

Yeah of course! I am lucky that I haven't v* in several years (I'm 15), and I've never had the flu- knock on wood... But I feel nauseous constantly because of anxiety, and it is so hard to think rationally when you're so worked up. Those who love and support you will always comfort you without hesitation. And obviously everyone on this site (thank goodness I found it- never fails to make me feel more normal).

[LittleFlo]

I still struggle to differentiate between anxiety nausea and real nausea. But yeah this site is a godsend. Just wish there was more awareness and free support out there for emet.

[Awoodruf2015]

Yes! Exactly. Friends and family try to support me to the best of their ability, but its so hard to truly understand the fear. It goes way past just not wanting to v*, right?

[LittleFlo]

Absolutely. It's about everything reminding you of v*, doing all you can to not v*, and constantly thinking about it. It's such a powerful phobia that I think I would do anything other than v*.