OT -- Just Missing Mom.......

[californiagirl]

OK, I'm gonna be pathetic here, but I'd like to hear some advice from you all, because I'm going through kind of a rough time:


As I wrote a few weeks back, my Mom died on January 23, 2004, three days before mybirthday, and this last T-Giving fell on what would have been her 55th birthday. Since T-Giving, I have been thinking about her alot, and can't shake this extreme sadness. I can't show any emotion about this in front of my daughter because she will cry, she misses her "Gramma Sandy" immensely. I can't in front of hubby, because he is no support at all--he's a little selfish. My Mom used to talk to me, help me. When something was bothering me I would call or visit her crying and I'd end up happy and laughing. She was the best Mom to me, she was literally my best friend. Gosh, I keep thinking of the night the phine call came that she had died. I just saw her a few hours before, and knew she would die soon, but I can't get that call out of my mind. I went to see her and I still remember her face like it was yesterday. I just laid my head on her chest and put my arm around her. I cried like I've never cried before. I keep thinking of how I will never see her again. There are so many questions I wanna ask her, but can't. I still wanna call her just to hear her voice, or to hear her tell me I'm silly. I still need her "cure-all" hugs. I get NOTHING from hubby, and I feel so alone. I even considered having an affair, but in good conscience can't do it. I need to fill the void that my Mom left. There are nights that I will cry in my bathroom or in the shower so that I can wash my face w/cold water, that way no one would know that I'd been crying and ask me what's wrong. I feel that I can't handle this anymore. It's like my little chihuahua Lucy is my best friend now. Sounds weird, but true. How do I deal with this sadness? I can't stop crying, and just plain want her back, she was too young to die! There's also one particulr incident that I remember that is troublesome: My parents were divorced, and while Mom was in the nursing home, my Dad was suppose to go visit her. He hadn't been to see her the whole time she was sick. They were on pretty good terms too. Well, one day, she though he was gonna visit her, so she asked my sis and I to fix her hair and put some makeup on her and she was very happy that day. Well, the bastard never showed! I called him, very upset, and he told me he never said he would visit. Yes he did!! Ugghhh! So, I keep remembering having to tell her he wasn't coming, and had to look at her face with her hair fixed up with barrets, lipstick and all. She was strong though, took it in stride, even though I know she was sad. Hubby hates my dad to this day because of that. I wish these images would just go away, because I can't handle the sadness. I am alive tody because of her, she saved my life. I was abused by my 1st hubby, physically, mentally and sexually, and got suicidal. She literally saved my life. Now she's dead, and I can't show her how much I appreciate her. This sadness and loss gets overwhelming at times and I just wanna be alone. No hubby, no kids---no one. I just wanna sit by myself and think of Mom and be able to cry, stomp, throw things, yell, etc. I get heart palpitations too. I feel that I need to grieve and deal with this, but I honestly don't know how. I'm sorry for being so pathetic, but people here are so understanding and nice, and I think reading what you have to say can really help.........thanks.Edited by: californiagirl

[hippychick]

Firstly big *hugs* to you for going through such an awful thing. I personally think you are grieving and dealing in the best way you know how, there is no time limit on grief and sometimes when we think it is gone it comes back to bite us in the ass and it's all we can think of. It just takes time babe, it is a great healer. Have you tried talking to your husband? Telling him how you feel when he reacts and that you need his love and support, not for him to be selfish also is it possible that he doesn't like dealing with it because it's something he can't fix for you? Don't let this overwhelm your life if possible, you know your mother would never have wanted that, but do take time to think about her, tell your daughter the good things you remember about spending time with your mum. You have a lot to thank her for and I'm sure she knows how much you appreciated everything she did for you.


I know how difficult it is, my Dad died when I was 10 and mostly I wont think about it at all and then something sets me off. Feel your pain but don't let it consume you. Take time to turn it into something positive. And definately talk to hubby, if he shows nothing at all when you are in pain well.....I'd say you both have some things to work out because you deserve the biggest hug ever and a little support. I think finding someone you can talk to about your mum would really help. Do you have any other family you could get together with?


Good luck honey

[tayda]

Cali.. I PMed you

[californiagirl]

HIPPYCHICK,


Thank you so much, you've helped!! I have talked to hubby, cried hysterically, and MAYBE he will awkwardly give me a half-assed hug. Maybe it's just hard for him, I don't know, but he isn't menytally there when I need him. Sometimes just having his arms around me soothes me, but he doesn't understand that. I tell him all the time, so I believe he is selfish, because he knows what I need. I ALWAYS support him in every situation and would like the same in return. But you're rigt, there's no time limit on grieving and I can't let this overwhelm my life, but this mental stuff is so hard to deal with, ya know? My Mom wouldn't want me to be so sad, but I love her so much thats it's hard not to be. Thank you again [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[pretty polly]

Charlene - I completely understand how you feel. I lost my mum to a
long illness when I was 17, and personally I think that you grieve the
rest of your life. Obviously it gets easier, but you never forget, and
the important moments in your life, that you wish your mum could be
there for, always feel that little bit empty because of the void.
Please keep positive, honey. I'm thinking of you.

[californiagirl]

Thank you Polly, that means alot to me.


I'm sorry about your Mom too.

[samara's on tv]

I'm really sorry about your mom. I remember when my mom got surgery to remove a small growth from the inside of her eye, like on the side of her nose. They had to peel down the skin from the top of her head, over her face to get to it.(Sorry I know that's a little graphic) After the surgery I went to visit her. She was all bandaged up and her face was all swollen and that's the worst I've ever seen her...and I never want to see her like that again. I can't even imagine what it's like to see your mom just a few hours before she dies...it must have been really hard. If you were here I'd give you a great big hug.


~Monica

[gubba]

I am so sorry for you...My mom is my very best friend and we talk 10 or more times a day and she lives 5 houses away from me. My husband is very supportive of me, but there is no bond like a mom and daughter if it is a good one and my mom is the best. I can't imagine what I would do without my mom, so I hurt all over reading your post. I have sat and sobbed while reading it knowing that one day I will be in your shoes and I have no idea how to go on from there. I want to tell you that you are so strong to be able to write that and to have been through a year of time almost without her physically being there, but she will always be such a part of your heart and your life. Don't feel like she is gone, she is just not right there to touch. I truly feel that she is watching over you and can see and hear you and she knows how much you love her and appreciate all that she did for you.


I am so, so sorry that you have to deal with this and I know the holidays are harder too. you deserve a big hug and try and smile knowing that she would want you to.

[wing]

I'm sorry, I'm not too good with words but*hugs*

[beadgirl]

Charlene, I remember reading that post awhile ago. I feel so sad for you and I wish I could say I know how you felt, but I can't. I just recently have gotten a lot closer to my mom in the past few years. I can't ever imagine my life without her. Her mom died about 2 years ago(2 days before my 27th birthday). I remember being at her funeral and seeing my mom cry. I cried and cried but not so much for my grandma as for my mom. She lost her mommy and it was awful to see her cry! She's my mom and we always look up to our parents as the strong ones. You still can talk to you mom, I know she's listening in heaven. And I can certainly tell you that she KNOWS how much you appreciate her and love her. (God, I am crying like a baby right now.) Holidays are tough, but hey, just think... Your mom is up there watching you and being so proud. Heck, maybe she's already met my grandma! You'll be with her again someday! For now, you have all of us and you family!

[sheri-baby]

Charlene, i'm so sorry for the pain you are in, hang in there[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[californiagirl]

OH MY GOODNESS, YOU GUYS!!


You are all so understanding, and it is comforting knowing that we can express feelings on other things as well as emet, and still get support from each other. You all say such nice things, and I am grateful. I do so welcome and accept all of your hugs --THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rachelle]

Hey Charlene,


I just wanted to say that ur post touched me so much. U r such a wonderfully brave woman and u should be proud of how fantastic u r. I cannot even begin to imagine how I would be if i was in ur shoes. I think that u r doing brilliantly, and its natural for u to feel like this. Grief is a very difficult thing, there simply isnt ever an end to it as horrible as that seems, but things will get easier. All i can say is to "welcome" the grief, cry, scream - do whatever u have to do, if it makes u feel better. Make sure u dont bottle things up and talk to ur husband. Tell him how much his support means to u.


Please keep positive, keep thinking of all the GOOD times u shared with ur mum and what a lovely lady she was. I bet shes so so proud of u.


After reading ur post, i feel really quite pathetic. My boyfriend has gone away for 7 months, travelling, and im finding it very very difficult - but just reading ur story has made me realise how silly im being.


Thinking of u!


Rachel x x x

[gubba]

Are you doing better Charlene? I thought about you all last night and I would love to give you a hug, but you are 2000 miles away.

[californiagirl]

Thank ALL OF YOU so much!!!!! Your feedback has meant ALOT to me[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]


I did the crying in the shower thing last night, thinking about my Mom. Hubby is clueless and I am tired of it. I want a divorce, but then when I REALLY think about life w/out him, I change my mind. Ugghh!! I am so confused! I am trying to cheer up a little. I will be going out tomorrow with my daughter---we'll go to lunch and maybe see a talent scout (she wants to be an actress/model), and I have some work to pick up from an attorney, so I will be pretty busy for the week. Maybe I will be so busy that my mind will be on other things and I won't have to be so sad. Gosh, some days I am sooooo happy, then other days, I can barely get out of bed I'm so sad. I just love my Mom so much, and life in general seriously hasn't been the same since she died. You all have had such nice words for me, and I hope I can be there for you in the future as well. You all are great, and when I needed comfort, you were there. Thank you a million times over!!!!!!!

[gubba]

Is this your first marriage? I ask because I was married to an awful man for 7 years and we got divorced, no kids, and I was never going to marry again since I hated it. 4 years later I was married and to the most wonderful man alive. I know how terrible it can be to be with the wrong man who doesn't understand you or even try to. Life can be terrible and everything seems so bad. I hope that you can stay with your husband and make life better, but if you are so upset with your situation with him as well, you aren't helping anyone. I feel so sad for you right now and I would love to help, but I don't know what I can do. You always seem so tough and now it is so sad to see you like this.


I'm usually around on here so we can excahnge emails if you want. I hope you are better out runninng errands and just be glad you aren't here with the 14 degrees with the windchill. It is COLD!!! and at least sunny today, but gloomy all last week and weekend.

[californiagirl]

Is this your first marriage? I ask because I was married to an awful man for 7 years and we got divorced, no kids, and I was never going to marry again since I hated it. 4 years later I was married and to the most wonderful man alive. I know how terrible it can be to be with the wrong man who doesn't understand you or even try to. Life can be terrible and everything seems so bad. I hope that you can stay with your husband and make life better, but if you are so upset with your situation with him as well, you aren't helping anyone. I feel so sad for you right now and I would love to help, but I don't know what I can do. You always seem so tough and now it is so sad to see you like this.


I'm usually around on here so we can excahnge emails if you want. I hope you are better out runninng errands and just be glad you aren't here with the 14 degrees with the windchill. It is COLD!!! and at least sunny today, but gloomy all last week and weekend.

GUBBA,


This is actually my 3rd marriage---I know, pathetic, huh? My first marriage lasted a long time, had 3 kids with him and was horribly abused in every way possible. Second hubbylasted only year from meeting him, to marrying him, to divorcing him. THAT was a mistake, don't know what I was thinking! Current hubby basically "rescued" me, was sooooooooo nice and caring. After what I've been through, he was a breath of fresh air! I honestly have never loved anyone like I love him. Well, long story short, we feel into a financial rut, and he has turned into a pain in the a**!!! I understand he is scared, but I think we're doing OK. We have a nice home, beautiful car, we have each other, my daughter is a great kid, and we are able to pay our bills. BUT, he seems to think that life is doomed, and he must be self-absorbed in this doom-ness every day! So, he really isn't "there" for me, because he is too self-absorbed in misery right now. I try telling him that this is so unnecessary, but I also try to understand him. I do everything I can to cheer him up but nothing works. He's very anal-retentive, so he's just caught up in the fact that things got out of his control. Things could definitely be worse for us right now though. ANyways, my daughter and I both go out of our way to try to make him happy, and I get upset that he is being rather selfish, not realizing what he DOES have, and enjoy us. Also, when I need his support, I'd like him to at least try to give it to me. Hugs and nice words won't cost him anything, and may help me. He's not the only one having a hard tme here, and since I try to help him however I can, I'd just like the same in return. EEWWWW, I know what you mean about the weather there (PA?), because we just moved back here from Boston in August. I was sooooo depressed there!! It seemed that it was either freezing, raining, cloudy, or hot, humid and miserable. I lasted a year out there, and am so glad to be back in the sunshine and 70-degree weather., I feel that the weather has somewhat to do with our mood, and Boston was awful for me, although it is a beautiful place!! What a shame.

[gubba]

It is not pathetic to be married 3 times. You can't always find Mr. Right the first few times. Anyway, I hope you can get him to understand you better since that seems like all this is. If he understood your needs were simple and free, it would be a great thing.

[californiagirl]

It is not pathetic to be married 3 times. You can't always find Mr. Right the first few times. Anyway, I hope you can get him to understand you better since that seems like all this is. If he understood your needs were simple and free, it would be a great thing.

Thank you----I agree[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

[californiagirl]

I JUST WANNA SAY:


THANK YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


..........TO ALL OF YOU GREAT PEOPLE WHO REPLIED TO THIS POST. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOUR WORDS MEANT TO ME DURING A VERY HARD TIME. YOU ARE ALL VERY SPECIAL AND I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!!!!!!!!

[gubba]

You are welcome!!! We all need support on things besides our EMET. We are people with normal problems too and I know that I sometimes want people to just listen to me and comfort me about my child, me pets etc. I had to put an old dog to sleep a few weeks ago and it was so hard. I have yet to vent that on here since I was not ready to discuss it, but I have gotten so much better with crying less here at home that I can talk about that now too. Anyway, what I wanted you to know is that aside from being freaks that we are over this EMET thing, we are good loving people who deserve love and attention. It is sometimes difficult to believe that other things exist beyond V* in our lives, but it does.

[californiagirl]

You are welcome!!! We all need support on things besides our EMET. We are people with normal problems too and I know that I sometimes want people to just listen to me and comfort me about my child, me pets etc. I had to put an old dog to sleep a few weeks ago and it was so hard. I have yet to vent that on here since I was not ready to discuss it, but I have gotten so much better with crying less here at home that I can talk about that now too. Anyway, what I wanted you to know is that aside from being freaks that we are over this EMET thing, we are good loving people who deserve love and attention. It is sometimes difficult to believe that other things exist beyond V* in our lives, but it does.

GUBBA:


Oh my gosh, I am SO SORRY abouy your dog, that must have been heartbreaking!!!!! I dread the day that I lose my dog [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]I agree with all that you said here. You seem like a very nice person, and you understand my pain. Thank you.......

[aguerra29]

Charlene,

I am still waiting for you to email me so I can send you that Motherloss Book. I really think it would be good for you. You are completely normal in all of your feelings. After my mom died suddenly, I wanted to die too. What was the point in living? My husband (then boyfriend) is the reason I am alive today. He was wonderful, no to say he didn't have his moments. I mean he is only human. It seems like you husband really cares - you said yourself he still hates your dad for dissing your mom. A man who didn't care wouldn't think that. I know as a man of the house, he probably feels tremendous stress if financially things are tight. He wants to be able to take care of you. Unfortunately, this financial crisis is happening when you need him the most. I advise that you sit down with him and tell him you understnad the burden he carries as the bread-winner in the family and what can you do to lessen his stress? Are there things you can downsize? (Car? House? Etc?) Show him that you care about that and are willing to do whatever you need to. BUT also tell him that you are in so much pain with the loss of your mom. Tell him that you know that it is going to get better - based on all of your friends here, but right now it just hurts so bad. Almost like a disease. Ask him if you help him with lessening the financial stress, can he hold you more. You know it's silly - love doesn't have to be through a hug - but it just makes you feel better to feel his arms around you. Maybe just a few minutes a day. Remember that you two are a team. It you and him against the world. Also, I don't know if you all are involved in a church, but you can meet "older" women to have lunch with and sort of be surrogate mothers. Someone you can talk to. I desparatelly need that too, so, do as I say, not as I do I just complain that I am lonely all the time to my husband. I too, miss those hugs from my mom. There is nothing else like it in the world. Being around someone that knows you so well and loves you unconditionally. I will never be loved unconditionally again in my life. Everyone else's love has conditions - even my dad and husband.

I will be in California - San Fran area- in February. Maybe I can give you a big hug then Lord knows I need it too.