How do I tell them???

[shiva]

Okay.. This is kind of strange I guess.
I am friends with this married couple and the guy kind of struggles with eating disorders. Well, everytime I go to their home... let's just say the toilet isn't cleaned up all the way from his last purge. These are spots that anyone could see, it's not like I have the emet microscope out looking for it, it's clearly there. They live 45 min away and I drink a gallon of water a day, so to not go is unrealistic. I cannot clean it myself, I was going to try last night and just couldn't do it. So, when I go I try to ignore the messes that I see and I hover over the john and try really hard to hurry it up. I wash my hands in the kitchen afterwards because I need to get out of the bathroom as quick as I can.
This has been going on for the past 6-7 times I have visited them. How do I suggest they clean it up without being rude?

[kate1966]

Oh yuck....i don't know what to tell you, but that is really nasty....i would think of some way to say something though. Casually say, wow, did someone have an accident in the toilet, it sure looks like it....or something like that...i don't know..but i think i would have to say something!!!!!!!!

[6pksummer]

GROSS!! Maybe tell the wife, hey I know he struggles with an eating disorder, but how can you stand seeing v* still on the toilet after he does? Then maybe she will do something about it. Or, just tell her, that there are v* remains on the toilet. Good thing, you know its not contagious v*!!!

[crimgoddess]

EWWW- I have the SAME PROBLEM at one of my friends' places. Her and her sister live with someone they met when the posted the vacancy in their apartment online at our school's website. Everything started off okay, but it soon became obvious that this person was bulemic- my friend and her sister have even had to get locks put on their bedroom doors and their own mini-fridge so this person wouldn't steal their food to binge on.


My friend tries her best to clean up after her- but after awhile she just said "f*uck-it, this isn't my problem, YOU need to clean up after YOURSELF". So, sometimes the toilet is clean- othertimes, there are rings around it, and it seriously grosses me out. Now, the garbages are starting to leak, so we'rethinking that instead of the bathroom, she is doing it in the garbage when they are gone- EWWW


The worst part about it, even worse than the vomitting- my friend has gone to this person's roomate and parents saying that this girl needs help, and they have the attitude that it's not a problem because she used to be severely anorexic, and at least now she is eating- WTF??


So.....enough about me. I agree with 6pk- I would maybe mention to the wife that you have this phobia, and when its obvious that someone was recently sick in the bathroom and there is still evidence of it, it makes you really uncomfortable.


Is this person getting help for his eating disorder?


*amber*

[purpleteacher]

It isn't your place to say anything about how they keep their home, especially their bathroom. If you are suspecting an eating disorder and you feel you have enough resources to help the person, then speak out. Don't say anything unless you are prepared to offer help, not criticism.


I have an eating disorder and if anyone EVER said something to me about how I keep my home, my kitchen, my bathroom, etc... I would slug them in the mouth! If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen --- if you can't stand the barf, get out of the bathroom.


I am not trying to sound rude or inconsiderate, but an eating disorder is a life threatening condition. It isn't something you just make fun of or make light of. Phobias make you want to die, but usually don't kill you --- eating disorder can kill you in an instant, especially if you have a long history of one. I am very outspoken on this topic... and yes, I have a serious problem with my own and I'm hoping to get professional treatment for mine soon.Edited by: purpleteacher

[japa]

Well, shiva, I'll say that that is one heck of a situation that you're describing. What a dilemma!


I'll also have to respectfully disagree with purpleteacher that you don't have any right to say something to the wife or even to the person with the eating disorder himself.


This is a case, in my opinion, of one disease meeting up with another. Emetophobia is a disease, a psychological one, if you will. Eating disorders are also diseases with a psychological basis. They may even have something in common with one another, as we all know that some people have disordered eating stemming from emetophobia. Emetophobia causes many health problems as well, though I will concede that eating disorders are more fatal. But I don't see why that higher risk of mortality should result in the person with the eating disorder being untouchable by constructive criticism of any kind, most especially because he/she needs to eradicate the disorder before it becomes fatal.


As emetophobics, we do things that have an effect on those around us, and sometimes it's a negative effect. Just because we are phobic, I don't believe that that abdicates us from the need to take responsibility for how our actions negatively affect other people. I believe that is the same for those with eating disorders. I would say that cleaning up after oneself would at least be taking some kind of responsibility.


Now it does suck in a way that the wife is going to have to bear the brunt of this situation because I think that most of us kind of feel that it would be too harsh to tell the man himself. It sucks that the wife is going to have to end up cleaning up after him when he really should. I think that's an unfair situation for her, but I'm not sure what else can be done. Perhaps after you talk to her, she will know whether she can approach this with her husband.


I would talk in a really calm way to the wife, explaining that I have this anxiety disorder, and that I do understand that her husband has an eating disorder. "We both have problems that we are trying to overcome etc. etc.," I would say that unfortunately, I'm not yet at the point where I don't feel anxious from seeing that in the bathroom. In fact, I wouldn't even talk about it to the woman as an issue of her cleanliness or his cleanliness and what their standards are. I would talk about it all in the context of psychologicalissues and trying to balance the particular kinds of issues that you and he have that are conflicting with one another right now.


I would say all the stuff about how and why you value their friendship and ask if they could work with you on keeping the friendship strong. I would just ask if there is a way that they could help with your anxiety by somehow erasing the traces of what you fear that are left on the toilet, and is there a way that they can do that tocompromise between you two?Edited by: japa

[crimgoddess]

It isn't your place to say anything about how they keep their home, especially their bathroom. If you are suspecting an eating disorder and you feel you have enough resources to help the person, then speak out. Don't say anything unless you are prepared to offer help, not criticism.


I have an eating disorder and if anyone EVER said something to me about how I keep my home, my kitchen, my bathroom, etc... I would slug them in the mouth! If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen --- if you can't stand the barf, get out of the bathroom.


I am not trying to sound rude or inconsiderate, but an eating disorder is a life threatening condition. It isn't something you just make fun of or make light of. Phobias make you want to die, but usually don't kill you --- eating disorder can kill you in an instant, especially if you have a long history of one. I am very outspoken on this topic... and yes, I have a serious problem with my own and I'm hoping to get professional treatment for mine soon.

I'm sorry, but I disagree. Addictions are also categorized as mental illnesses, and they are also life-threatening. If I went into someone's house who has an addition problem and there was drugs or alcohol everywhere, would YOU not say anything about it? If I went over to one of my friends houses and there was spilled beer all over the floor and coke residue on the table, I would definitely say something about it. Chances are that if the person doesn't clean up after themselves and leaves evidence behind, then chances are they are WAITING for someone to mention it. From what I have seen, the people who don't want others to know about their eating disorders are very fastidious about leaving no evidence behind.


Yes, I agree that the housekeeping aspect is not as problematic as the actual disorder which is causing the mess, and that, that should be addressed. BUT- not mentioning the mess, or ignoring it is also plays a part in ignoring the actual problem. I'm sure the wife probably sees it to, but doesn't want to admit that its there. Maybe Shiva speaking with her, not JUST about the bathroom, can help open her eyes to the fact that her husband has a serious problem.


*amber*

[shiva]

What is strange is that we are all really close friends. I introduced the couple about 5 years ago. They totally know about my anxieties and I totally know all about her hubby's eating disorder. We talk openly about all of it. (yes, the hubby is getting professional help for his problem) I don't know why I have a problem about saying something about what is left on the toilet because we are all so close.

I think it just baffles me that they don't seem to see it. They know about my problem and know I use the bathroom, I assume that certainly if they did see it, they would do something about it for me.

It's hard I guess because I don't want to embarass anyone or make her feel like she doesn't keep a nice home. Does that make sense? I know that other people's priorities are not the same as mine and I realize that some people just somehow manage to not see this stuff, or it's so common for them that they don't think about it.

I think next time I'm there I am just going to jokingly say something to Mike about how next time he tosses his cookies that he should clean it up better before his emet buddy comes over.

The thing I am most confused over is that I have a problem telling them because like I said above, we are all very open with one another. I just don't want to be rude. I just can't imagine not seeing it or not caring, you know? I wish I could not care about it.

[japa]

Ahh, I see. So you're all really close, and they already know about your phobia. So I guess the chances are that they really don't notice how much gunk is left around the bowl. Maybe they are too accustomed to the eating disorder, so it doesn't register.


For some reason, I don't think that it would be insulting their housekeeping or whatever you want to call it, if you couch the whole thing within the context of your phobia and say how probably a non-phobic person wouldn't even notice, but that you just have a highly tuned radar for this stuff. I guess that I think that you would be saying, "Hey, I know that this is my problem, and you guys are my friends and I know you care about me, so will you do me this favor or help me out with this?"


Of course, something else that I think that I am picking up from your second post here is what usually haunts us emetophobes -- the burning wish that we didn't feel this way about barf and that these things weren't a problem for us. It sounds like you just wish that the barf on the bowl didn't bug you. It would be nice that way for all of us.


The joking around doesn't sound like a bad idea. Maybe you could try that and see if they pick up on the hint.

What is strange is that we are all really close friends. I introduced the couple about 5 years ago. They totally know about my anxieties and I totally know all about her hubby's eating disorder. We talk openly about all of it. (yes, the hubby is getting professional help for his problem) I don't know why I have a problem about saying something about what is left on the toilet because we are all so close.

I think it just baffles me that they don't seem to see it. They know about my problem and know I use the bathroom, I assume that certainly if they did see it, they would do something about it for me.

It's hard I guess because I don't want to embarass anyone or make her feel like she doesn't keep a nice home. Does that make sense? I know that other people's priorities are not the same as mine and I realize that some people just somehow manage to not see this stuff, or it's so common for them that they don't think about it.

I think next time I'm there I am just going to jokingly say something to Mike about how next time he tosses his cookies that he should clean it up better before his emet buddy comes over.

The thing I am most confused over is that I have a problem telling them because like I said above, we are all very open with one another. I just don't want to be rude. I just can't imagine not seeing it or not caring, you know? I wish I could not care about it.

[marby]

Since you are all so close, I think your idea of jokingly commenting is a good idea. Maybe next time they ask you over, you can suggest meeting up somewhere else so you don't have to put yourself in that situation. They'll probably get the hint that something's up after awhile.