LOL! I just thought that would be a fun subject line.
Anyway.. I have finally found peace with a few things about myself. I am a moody person with such drastic personalities that I sometimes dual with myself over issues. No one can hurt me as much as I hurt myself. No one could ever even come close to being as hard on me as I am myself. I hate myself more often than I love myself. And whining doesn't get me anywhere.
I used to consider myself a strong person, but I have recently decided I am just a strong personality. I can be opinionated, self rightous and seriously annoying at times. I used to see this as strong. I know a woman whose life story many of us could hardly stomach to hear. I worked with her for a while. I would come to work, whining about my phobia, whining about being tired, whining about stress or money. f***ing whine and cheese. Meanwhile, she would sit and listen to me. She was never condescending, never judgemental. When I look back on it I wonder how she didn't clock me one and tell me to get over myself. She had just faught ovarian cancer. She had to make the decision to take her husband off of life support from brain cancer a year before. She was raising two children alone. She worked her ass off. She never f***ing whined or complained... EVER.
(Now please understand, I am not saying that no one should ever whine or complain.. It's natural, I guess... This is seriously just something that I noticed about myself and wanted to share because I was sitting here and reflecting on it. I am hoping for feedback, as I feel I may be onto some kind of self growth here.)
I noticed that this woman is probably the strongest woman I have ever met in my life and I realized that I wanted to be more like her. I've never been the type of girl to sit there and wish to be like anyone else. I have always accepted (or tried) to accept myself, shortcomings and all. So then I realized that it all goes hand in hand. To accept myself for who I am in a way will make me a strong person. I spend so much time mad at myself because of this phobia. Wishing I was someone else. It's completely natural for me to feel hatred for myself. Strong women don't hate themselves. I want to work on being more positive. I used to think that being a hard ass made me strong. That's pure bulls***. It's a mask. I hide beind it. I don't want to just seem strong. I want to be strong. Does anyone understand this?
I don't want to sit and whine and bitch and complain about my phobia anymore. I am so f***ing sick of feeling sorry for myself. My life is exactly what I make of it. It doesn't even matter what my childhood was like. I am a freaking adult now. I am accountable. If there is something I don't like about my world, then I am the only person who can make a difference and change that.
So I feel like I have realized some really important things.
1) Strength is totally different from what I thought, and I want to be strong. I am weak.
2)If I can learn to truly love myself, then I will have the strength to change what I don't like.
3) I am the only person in control of my life.
4) Living like this is my choice.
Sorry to sound like a freaking self help book here. Yikes.
Does anyone else feel like I do? Does anyone have any advice on how I should go about taking the steps to change the way I feel about myself and stop hating myself so much? Am I making any sense?