A few jokes for everybody

[sbias]

<DIV align=left>The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily and said, "You should not be asking eighth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. She said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and asked the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and replied, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

"Very good, Billy," said Mrs. Parks. Then, turning to Mary, she said: "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
</DIV><A name=c></A>

[sbias]

<DIV align=left>A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."


I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."


"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."

</DIV>

[sbias]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering frim a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

She replied, "You're gonna die"

[sbias]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[sbias]

Aseven-year-old told her mother that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing," said the little girl, "he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

[sbias]

A married man wasthinking of havingan affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they stayed all afternoon. Exhausted from events, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man dressed, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.


Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've beentogether all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Your lying! You've been playing golf!".

[sbias]

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son. They walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"


The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son." And never one to mince words he explains the use of them to his son.


"Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school." He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."


"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.


"Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for...

[sbias]

I have a million of these if anyone wants to hear them, In my case humor always made me feel better whenI was a little on edge, if you want more I can always continue, and I promise to never tell one with really bad language, and will never tell anything offensive, towards anyone.

[sarahx]

HE HE HE HE HE ur jokes are fab... i love them pls carry on!!!!


Sarah xxx

[sbias]

<DIV align=left>Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here." The man says, "How do you know?" Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
</DIV>

[sbias]

<DIV align=left>There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."</DIV><A name=c></A>

[sbias]

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating TABLE she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released FROM the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"

God Replied,"Sorry, I didn't recognize you"Edited by: sbias

[sbias]

A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall.

"Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her.
Could you please help me?"

"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.

"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.

"How's that going to help?" she asks.

"No idea really... but every time I talk to a woman that looks like you,
my wife appears out of nowhere."

[sarahx]

lol hehe... any more?

[sbias]

I am West Virginia so I am allowed to tell this joke.


John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives.

"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"

The other two just howl with laughter.

So Brian says, "That ain't nothing -- my dumb wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain't got no runnin' water!"

That one nearly slayed 'em.

Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. 'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers -- heck, she ain't got no weiner!"

[sbias]

Sarah to be honest, it is more than possible to make this thread 100 posts or longer, whenever I would feel bad, and I mean serious emet blues, I would tell myself jokes, or call a friend and tell him a funny story,or a joke. I have so many in the old memory, and written down it is unbelievable, I just don't want to offend or upset anyone, so I am trying to keep them from getting out of hand.


Number one Iwill never use one that is overly graphic, or SICK.


Number two unless it is a hillbilly joke, because I am from West Virginia, I would never tell a blonde joke, a race joke (I HATE THOSE), or something sexist.


Number three I am just telling them cause maybe when someone feels like totally crap, they can come in here and get lost in reading them and laugh.





Shall I go on????? I can go on forever if you'd like.


Edited by: sbias

[x hannah x]

Stephen are you on a mission to cheer up the emet world? Cos it's working! Your jokes are so cool! I'm sure I will think of one soon that you can add to your collection...

[x hannah x]

Ok, I found this on a website and I try to live by it:

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity!
At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Insist that your email address is: [email protected] or [email protected]
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophet Jimmy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.
Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in stall 3."
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
<P ali

[sbias]

I love it.... Oh I have a feeling this thread is gonna explode!!!!!!!


Stephen are you on a mission to cheer up the emet world


Maybe... I have found my calling! [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

[sbias]

<DIV align=left>One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."</DIV>

[sbias]

<DIV align=left>A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."</DIV><A name=c></A>

[sbias]

It Can Always Be Worse

<!--- [img]/i/viewComments.gif[/img]</DIV>

--->
<DIV align=left>1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly:She keeps correcting you.

8. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.</DIV>

[party_boi3423]

Sounds like your an absolute genius with the jokes stephen!!! A great way to cheer up us emets!

[sbias]

Oh people I am rolling now..........


You really like one of em... Let me know about it.....


Really hate one Let me know about it too..........


And now to continue my little flood!!!!!!!

[sbias]

Doctor Dave hadintercourse with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.." But invariably the another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering.............. "Dave, you're a veterinarian..."

[sbias]

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

[mbs730]

Subject: IF YOU HATE YOUR JOB



When you have had an "I hate my job day" try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the
Thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer -
made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you
get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so
you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into very
comfortable clothing, such as a Track suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the
bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take
out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it.



You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



EVERY RECTAL THERMOMETER MADE BY JOHNSON AND JOHNSON IS PERSONALLY TESTED



Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: I am so glad I do
not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company.



Have a nice day and remember there is always someone with a worse job than yours!







Miriam

[mbs730]

These are things people actually said in court, word

&gt; for word, taken down and

&gt; now published by court reporters. How did they keep

&gt; from laughing while these

&gt; were all taking place?

&gt; &gt; ____________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and

&gt; I've decided to give your

&gt; wife $775 a week."

&gt; &gt; Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to

&gt; send her a few bucks

&gt; myself."

&gt; &gt; ______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: What is your date of birth?

&gt; &gt; A: July fifteenth.

&gt; &gt; Q: What year?

&gt; &gt; A: Every year

&gt; &gt; ______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?

&gt; &gt; A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

&gt;

&gt; ______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your

&gt; memory at all?

&gt; &gt; A: Yes.

&gt; &gt; Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

&gt; &gt; A: I forget.

&gt; &gt; Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of

&gt; something you've forgotten?

&gt; &gt; ______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

&gt; &gt; A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember

&gt; which.

&gt; &gt; Q: How long has he lived with you?

&gt; &gt; A: Forty-five years.

&gt; &gt; ______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: What was the first thing your husband said to

&gt; you when he woke up that

&gt; morning?

&gt; &gt; A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

&gt; &gt; Q: And why did that upset you?

&gt; &gt; A: My name is Susan.

&gt; &gt; ______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: And where was the location of the accident?

&gt; &gt; A: Approximately milepost 499.

&gt; &gt; Q: And where is milepost 499?

&gt; &gt; A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

&gt; &gt; ______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

&gt; &gt; A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

&gt; &gt; ______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

&gt; &gt; A: After the accident?

&gt; &gt; Q: Before the accident.

&gt; &gt; A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to

&gt; school for it.

&gt; &gt; ______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were

&gt; your red and blue lights

&gt; flashing?

&gt; &gt; A: Yes.

&gt; &gt; Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out

&gt; of her car?

&gt; &gt; A: Yes, sir.

&gt; &gt; Q: What did she say?

&gt; &gt; A: What disco am I at?

&gt; &gt; _______________________________________________

&gt; &gt;

&gt; &gt; Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person

&gt; dies in his

&gt; &gt; sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next

&gt; morning?

&gt; &gt; A: Would you repeat that question, please?

&gt; &gt; ______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is

&gt; he?

&gt; &gt; _______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

&gt; &gt; _______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was

&gt; August 8th?

&gt; &gt; A: Yes.

&gt; &gt; Q: And what were you doing at that time?

&gt; &gt; A: I resent that question.

&gt; &gt; _______________________________________________

&gt; &gt; Q: She had three children, right?

&gt; &gt; A: Yes.

&gt; &gt; Q: How many were boys?

&gt; &gt; A: None.

&gt; &gt; Q: Were there any girls?

&gt; &gt; _____________________________________

[mbs730]

HOUSECLEANING TIPS FOR INTERNET JUNKIES







Sweeping and Mopping the floors -- Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs.







Vacuuming -- Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the
vacuum works in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always
call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.







Dusting -- Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over!







Laundry -- First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear).







Cleaning toilet -- Close the lid.







Cleaning Shower -- Close the shower door or curtain.







Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom -- Close the door.







Taking out the Trash -- If you can't find anyone in your house to take
it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob
story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy
dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ...
they might get suspicious.







Dishes -- Dishwasher...if it doesn't come off run it again and again if
that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet
... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way
to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).







We hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online
time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a
life saver on those days that you just cant seem to get your butt outta
the 'puter chair ... good luck... We hope to see more of you online
soon!

********************************

[kentuckygalrk]

This is a great thread... Stephen you're awesome when it comes to cheering people up... THANKS!


Now for my first joke... I'm sure I can think of more later when I get home from night class :O)


So a man goes to his doctor because he's been having horrible headaches for awhile and he can't get them to go away. The doctor examines him and then says in confidence... "Now this may sound crazy, but I swear it really works. Anytime I get a headache I go to my wife and I put my head in between her breasts. Within minutes the headache goes away completely. I highly suggest that you try it out."


The next week the man returns for his follow-up with a smile on his face and the doctor says "So... did you try the trick?" The man looks at him and says, "Yes and may I just say that your wife is a miracle worker!!!"


Hehe!


~Rachel