hi everyone,

im new to the forum, and have found it so reassuring to read other peoples' stories - makes me feel like im not alone, and i dont feel so isolated. now i need your help to make me feel better!

the question:

i wanted to know your experiences of taking beta blockers, and (propa-something) in particular. please please please tell me they work, that they help, and that the side effects are so minimal i'll be able to go into uni placement on monday and get on with my work. im so scared they will make me dizzy/so sleepy that i wont be able to concentrate and get on with my life....plus i know one the side effects could be nausea?!?! (how ironic)

i feel so lonely and i dont know who to turn to or who can help me now....

please give me some good news about beta blockers lol

background: (skip this bit if its too long for you)

ive been managing my anxiety and emet really really well for the past 3 years using CBT and relaxation techniques, but 2 days ago i had the worst day ive had in YEARS, and im feeling so so low and depressed, i just cant stop crying...

i am studying and my degree is EVERYTHING - its my passion, my hobby, my career, its what im meant to be doing. i had to defer a year of study last year because my baby nephew passed away and i couldnt cope with the grief, and have literally returned to the course with a block placement 2 weeks ago.

everythings been great, im enjoying it, not too much workload, my supervisor is fab....then on thursday, at placement i starting feeling really really anxious. i literally couldnt stop fidgeting, couldnt concentrate on ANYTHING, was constantly clenching my muscles, biting nails etc. so i had to leave early (my supervisor wasnt there, so i just left after lunch).

my boyfriend picked me up, we sat in a park and i just wept and wept. once id calmed down, we went back to his, but the anxiety started again, and i had a FULL BLOWN panic attack. i havent had a full on panic attack for years. i was literally hysterical, screaming, crying, running around, running to the bathroom, screaming 'dont let me be sick, please' at my boyfriend....we ended up at the hospital walk in centre because i just couldnt calm down.

none of my usual techniques worked, it was like my body was totally out of control. the hospital gave me diazepam (benzo) and i cried even more, because ive always been so reluctant to taking meds. i saw it as a failure. but i had no choice because i just couldnt calm down....

i went to my GP the next day who was a HORRIBLE, ignorant fool who clearly didnt understand emet or anxiety. he refused to give me anything for the anxiety for placement, and he equally refused to sign me off or give me any advice except (do some deep breathing).

luckily, i have a months worth of beta blockers (propanol something?) that a doc gave me a while ago just in case i needed them on my placement. i dont have a choice now but to take them.

i feel so low, i feel like the emet has beaten me once again and like ive taken a million steps backwards. i never wanted to take meds but i feel like ive got no choice....

im so so so scared and worried that ill have another full blown attack on monday and have to leave the placement, and they'll kick me off the course - ive only just returned after a year out!! how much leway will uni really give me?!! the anxiety and emet is so variable and out of control - i feel like its a seperate entity now, like its just an external thing that happens to me and i cant do anything about it. i am at his whim.


sorry its a long one, guess i needed a good vent to those who know what its like to be trapped by this horrible disease....

p.s. the reason why im so scared this time is because ive no idea what the trigger for these panic attacks was, and im usually so self aware and can control it.... the list of possible subconcious triggers is about 8 things (physical, like IBS trapped wind, so thought i was gunna be sick, and family stress etc) and i just feel like if i dont know what caused it, i cant prevent it from happening again it could just creep up on me again and ruin my life....

does anyone else have problems identifying triggers and feel like their panic creeps up on them?!