Am I crazy?

[jmoore10]

I started seeing a therapist for my emet. Turns out my employer has an employee wellness program that enables me 8 free sessions, so I decided to take the plunge and schedule an appointment.
I've had 2 sessions, so far no difference, but it made me realize a couple things that I either wasn't cognizant of, or didn't want to acknowledge:

1-I'm afraid to get help. My rationale is that somehow my constant obsessing over avoiding v*, being hyper-vigilant to how my stomach feels at any given minute, and avoidance practices (I have 37-one of my tasks was to write them all down!) have all worked for me in the past. If I give up these behaviors, I am making myself vulnerable to the dreaded IT, since it's these same practices that have kept me safe all these years. Plus I've been like this for over 35 years....I don't know any other way to live

2-I've come to view my stomach as almost this evil entity (I cringe to even admit this) that controls my life. I have to stay on my toes because as soon as I start to feel relaxed and confident that I'm ok (ie IT won't happen) my stomach is going to turn on me and make IT happen. So, in order to keep IT from happening I have to view my stomach as this formidable opponent and not under-estimate what it can make happen.

Naturally my rational brain reads what I just wrote and is mortified that i would even admit such things "publicly". Unfortunately, my emet brain sees nothing wrong with it and my emet brain ultimately always wins.
Is there anyone else that can kind of relate? I feel like I'm on this downward spiral and am afraid I'm making myself literally crazy with this. Please tell me that I'm not crazy and other emets have similar thoughts.....please?
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far....xoxo

[anxiousinmi]

I feel exactly like that....you are not alone and not crazy.

[Denglish81]

I feel that by getting help I will be more susceptible to v*ing, but that being said, I have to remind myself that if my 'help' works, then it won't matter if i do! But that really scares me.
And yes I relate to the fact that our bodily functions are our enemy. I have said before that I felt that my body was always working against me!

[Eveningstar]

I feel the same way. I don't want to admit that I have a problem. That I will be sick. I don't know if I would want to give up my avoidance practices. I would freak the F*ck out. If my tummy sounds weird in any way. I start freaking out. (like I am now!)