I really do hate myself sometimes

[yummymummy]

I was recently talking with a friend and somehow got on the topic of cancer. I have an underlying medical condition that puts me at a greater risk of developing cancer compared to an average person. Something that actually made me feel like I wanted to slap myself around my face was the fact that if I ever did get diagnosed with cancer all I could think of is, oh my god, I have cancer, I'm going to have to have chemotherapy and I will definetly be sick. Not that I have a disease that could potentiomally kill me. How bloody ludicrous of a thought is that!? I really do hate myself sometimes.

[heydani]

No you're not alone. I fear cancer for the thought of chemo alone. I even questioned if I would go through with chemo. It is a ludicrous thought, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who has it. It's insane that a fear like this can make us question our life.

[Denglish81]

Yup, me too! I think those same thoughts.....

[yummymummy]

In a way I'm glad I'm not the only one.

I have a morbid fear, at times tantamount to impending death. It has got so bad at times where I have considered asking someone to knock me out so I don't have to feel it (I never have or would).


As far as I'm aware we develop fear as a primal survival mechanism, Emetophobia in my experience completely contradicts this idea. If you have read some of my other posts you will learn I struggle with eating as a result of Emetophobia, it has caused me to suffer serious hypoglycaemic attacks where sometimes have resulted in My partner having to call for an ambulance to revive me.

I like you have thought if I ever did develop cancer then I would not consider chemotherapy due to my Emetophobia, I get anxious now around taking new medications.

[kristinak]

My dad is fighting lung cancer right now. Believe me, if you ever were diagnosed with cancer, throwing up will be the LAST thing on your mind!
It's such shame that the medicines to fight cancer make people so ill, but to say that you wouldn't even give chemo a try because of the potential side effect of being ill is like holding a gun to your own head sad

[yummymummy]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, I wish him well.

I can imagine anyone reading this who have themselves or know someone who has battled cancer would be extremely annoyed, I'm extremely annoyed at myself for the way I think.

Im at risk of developmenting pancreatic cancer due to an underlying medical condition so I might one day find myself in that situation and you're right I probably will feel completely different about it.

Im sorry if my post has annoyed you in any way.

[randall3329]

I feel exactly the same, but god forbid it ever happens to me, i know i have plenty of people worth surviving for. If its any help i have watched two family members go through chemo for cancer and one of them v twice during that time and the other not at all, sadly and ironically they both passed away a few years later to non cancer related illnesss, however they were both elderly. They have some pretty powerful anti sickness drugs available to chemo patients now a days. My husband has low dose chemo. The first time he v a little, but none since.
I would have chemo if faced with it along with good survival rates, but if it was only to prolong my life for a little while i would question if the suffering was really worth it for a few extra months.
also thought id add that i have spent many many hours in the oncology dpt of my local hospital and i have made a lot of friends of all ages there over the years - some of them have previously refused or are refusing treatment because of the side effects and they aren't even emet (i know this by being so open with them about my emet) - so i dont think its a worry only limited to people like us.

[kristinak]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, I wish him well.

I can imagine anyone reading this who have themselves or know someone who has battled cancer would be extremely annoyed, I'm extremely annoyed at myself for the way I think.

Im at risk of developmenting pancreatic cancer due to an underlying medical condition so I might one day find myself in that situation and you're right I probably will feel completely different about it.

Im sorry if my post has annoyed you in any way.

Thanks. It didn't really annoy me. In fact, I can honestly say I felt this way before I watched my dad go through this. If it helps anyone here feel better, he went through six weeks of four days a week radiation and once a week of chemo and never got sick. He felt horrible, and we're not sure where he's at right now until he gets his scans, but he never even got nauseated. Everyone's different.
Thanks for the concern about my dad.

[hairyfairy]

I`d be beside myself with terror if I was told that I had cancer, I`ve even had nightmares where a doctor is giving me the bad news, & I wake up with a pounding heart, then I`m relieved to find that it was only a dream. I don`t know witch is scarier, the disease or the treatment. I`ve actually heard people say that if the disease doesn`t kill you, the treatment will!

[tshell]

my dad passed away in April of 2009 from lung cancer. He took chemo and it never made him v* he just had horrible d*. That said, I have thought about this for a very long time, "could I take chemo if I was diagnosed with cancer" my answer is still no. I can't put myself into the situation of v*. I know I will not get well without the chemo but then again, it didn't help my dad. A lady I work with fought breast cancer and won. She took the chemo. She said she has never been so violently ill. She said that if I was ever diagnosed she would hog tie and and drag me to the appointments. I told her that I would keep it a secret.
I'm sorry if that bothers anyone but that is how I feel and this is coming from someone that saw her dad pass away after going through every treatment they could to cure his cancer.

[kristinak]

I'm amazed that you feel that way, seriously. Are you in any kind of therapy to try and get over this phobia? So sad that you'd rather die than get medical help if you had cancer. So sad

[claire43]

Ive also given this some thought and had decided that I couldnt face the v* thats a common side effect of chemo. However my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumour back in May 2010 and had months of chemo and radiotherapy. The only time she v* was on the night of the very first session and if she'd taken the very strong anti-emetic she'd been prescribed in time she almost certainly wouldnt have. Throughout the rest of her treatment she did feel n* sometimes but wasnt actually sick. Sadly my sister died last November and yet Im still more inclined to say no I wouldnt have it. I realise its madness and I feel selfish thinking that way but I cant help it. God willing lets hope I never have to make that call.

[tshell]

I'm not in therapy or treatment. I am sorry you feel that I should be. It is my body, my choice. I saw what that horrid stuff did to my dad. I saw it eat him up just as fast as the cancer did. Actually I think it made him worse. He was up and about and doing things with his family. Then he started chemo. It made him so weak. It made him tired all the time. It made him not be himself. Yes there are more than just the v* issues behind my reasoning about the chemo but that is a MAIN contributing factor. He took zofran and phenergan and ativan just to keep from v* from the chemo. He became a zombie with those drugs combining. He was in more pain after the chemo than he was before it. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sit up and he couldn't function. I don't want to v* and I don't want to ever be in the situation that chemo put him in. IMO he would have lived longer without the chemo.

[kristinak]

I'm sorry you got so defensive about the therapy thing. I didn't say at all that you "should be." You are totally right. It's your body, your right. Hopefully, God forbid you were ever diagnosed with cancer, your family and loved ones would accept that you didn't want to have chemo mainly because you didn't want to throw up. I know my dad is very uncomfortable right now, but we also know that the chemo is giving him a longer life. If he ever told us he didn't want to go through chemo and just wanted to die, it would crush us If you think a person who suffers with cancer and has no treatment also does not exhibit the symptoms you list, you are very sadly mistaken. Cancer eats away at your body and kills you from the inside out. It's not pretty. Typically, people die after all treatments are exhausted. What you see at the end, the real suffering when hospice is called in, is purely the cancer eating the person's life away. You're allowed to feel that it's your body, and I'm allowed to fell that letting this phobia dictate whether you would just let yourself die is absolutely ridiculous. Just my opinion. I don't care if anyone agrees or not.

[heydani]

It just shows that some of our fears are stronger than others.

[Quinnee]

It does show how strong our fears our. My v* phobia is so strong to this day that I don't know how to function when I'm encountered with it. I've been struggling with this fear ever since I was a little girl. I've lost jobs because of it and I've quit school. I'm 27 years old now and I have two beautiful children. But I can't be the mother I want to be to them, because of my fear. I literally get panicked and I can't even hold or be around my son when he gets sick. I feel less of a mother to him, he's just a baby and I'm so close to him. He cries out to me, but my fear gets the best of me and I can't even hold him to console him. I pray everyday to overcome this fear. I have panick attacks and I'm depressed. My children need to see a strong mother, not someone who can't cope with it.

[kristinak]

It just shows that some of our fears are stronger than others.

very true. I just know if mine was so bad that I would rather die than throw up, I would definitely be doing more than just pray that I would get better, but that's just me. I realize everyone's in different place with their phobia, and I really feel heavy hearted for those of you who suffer so badly. I'm sorry it's so awful for you guys

[tshell]

Quinnee I am the same way. I usually run from my children when they are sick. My son got ill a couple of weeks agon and I helped him. I don't know where the strength came from to do it but I did. I was so scared and proud of my self at the same time. I was scared to death of him afterwords though. I caught myself shying away from him and almost ignoring him totally because of this stupid fear! I am still catching myself still doing this and I have to STOP. He burped the other night and I started into a massive panic attack!

@kristinak - I hope things go great for your dad and his treatment. I'm not trying to be ugly or defensive. I was stating how I felt. I have been in the situation your family is in and it is a rollercoaster but NOT a fun one. Our ride ended badly. I know the fear and pain of living with a dad with cancer. My dad had mesothelioma from asbestos at the workplace. His was just in his lungs. The chemo weakened his bones and he broke both of his hips from fallling. At that point the cancer spread. I'm NOT just scared of the v* I'm scared of the rest of the effects too. Please don't think that I haven't weighed all my options. I hope and pray everyday that I will never be faced with that diagnosis. I am a smoker. It helps my panic attacks. It sooths me until my xanax can kick in. I want to quit because of the fear of cancer but I'm scared to because I don't want to be dependant on the xanax all the time. I told my fiancee just last night that I needed to quit and then I was put into a bad scary shopping experiance having to be exposed to a sv* and I took a xanax and as soon as I got out of the store I smoked. Please don't be offeneded by my comments or my feelings, that was never my intention..
michelle

[asianeko]

I recall a few threads over the past few years where people had gone through chemo and not been ill. Just a little hope for you.

[kristinak]

Quinnee I am the same way. I usually run from my children when they are sick. My son got ill a couple of weeks agon and I helped him. I don't know where the strength came from to do it but I did. I was so scared and proud of my self at the same time. I was scared to death of him afterwords though. I caught myself shying away from him and almost ignoring him totally because of this stupid fear! I am still catching myself still doing this and I have to STOP. He burped the other night and I started into a massive panic attack!

@kristinak - I hope things go great for your dad and his treatment. I'm not trying to be ugly or defensive. I was stating how I felt. I have been in the situation your family is in and it is a rollercoaster but NOT a fun one. Our ride ended badly. I know the fear and pain of living with a dad with cancer. My dad had mesothelioma from asbestos at the workplace. His was just in his lungs. The chemo weakened his bones and he broke both of his hips from fallling. At that point the cancer spread. I'm NOT just scared of the v* I'm scared of the rest of the effects too. Please don't think that I haven't weighed all my options. I hope and pray everyday that I will never be faced with that diagnosis. I am a smoker. It helps my panic attacks. It sooths me until my xanax can kick in. I want to quit because of the fear of cancer but I'm scared to because I don't want to be dependant on the xanax all the time. I told my fiancee just last night that I needed to quit and then I was put into a bad scary shopping experiance having to be exposed to a sv* and I took a xanax and as soon as I got out of the store I smoked. Please don't be offeneded by my comments or my feelings, that was never my intention..
michelle

Oh, no offense taken. I understand where you are coming from. This is actually the second time my dad has battled cancer. He was in remission for 20 years (lymphoma), and would have surely died many years ago had he not gone through the chemo. He never got sick then either. I won't lecture about the smoking. I will only tell you that I was a smoker as well. I quit cold turkey and have never looked back. I realize some people are stronger than others, but I think we all have it in us waaay deep down. I hope you can pull on that and quit some day...if not for yourself, but so you can be around for your kids

[Quinnee]

Tshell, thanks for your post. It's nice and comforting to hear that others are going through some of the same things. I too am shying away from my son at times. I feel horrible about it, but deep down inside my fear is controling me and I can't take it anymore. Others say that they would be doing more than just praying, but that's their opinion. My strong religious beliefs and the power of prayer has helped me get through a lot. But I do understand that there are steps that need to be taken in order to cope and overcome different circumstances in our lives.

[DeadxxInside92]

If I was ever diagnosed with any kind of malignant cancer and the prognosis was not at all good, I'd off myself. I'd like to have my dignity remain in tact rather than succumbing to that horrible, horrible disease. Too many people I have known have fallen victims to cancer. I'm not afraid of chemotherapy or radiation therapy, but I have too much pride to let myself waste away to virtually nothing.

[Theshadow]

I know how you feel. I am terrified of getting cancer. Both of my grandparents had it. And I had to watch the one suffer and die. It was horrible.